How timely, blogger won't even let me make a title for this post.

Therein lies the problem and why you can find me here now!

http://www.skrinkeringhearts.wordpress.com/

pawsing for a moment

Today I was in a bit of a funk over a kitten. Over a kitty I didn't get. I saw two sweet little sister kitty's yesterday. Wicked cute and of course I was totally smitten; it doesn't take much. Because I was running in a race after work (training, yo!), I couldn't take said kitten home with me that day. So I was told to call back today because the jerks nice nice people at the shelter cannot hold pets for really interested parties. Well low and behold, both kitties were gone and I was shit out of luck. Which is fine, I know it's just a cat and it's so not the end of the world, but holy hell, I really wanted this little one. And it's just no fun getting your hopes up for something like that, that doesn't end up working out.

It just mustn't have been meant to be. Probably would have been a Cujo kitty or something. I mean, I can only assume that's the reason that kitty didn't work out for me. And there are other kitty's in the sea, I know this. The right one will come along and there's no sense on getting all down and out about it. But I was for a bit today, and felt I had a right to be as I had setup kitty's room (the nursery), with food, water, and toilet (kitty treats to anyone who can guess this reference!). The whole nine. For no such kitty today.

But then I got an email from my dear friend Brooke, which always makes my day. Shortly thereafter, I had a fun chat with three good friends, which made me smile and laugh and worked me out of aforementioned funk.

And then there's Melissa who shared this gem of a video again, which always gets me. Completley hysterical. Pee before watching.

And what really did it, what always helps to make a day such as this better, is the red lipstick. The cakey red lipstick that my roommate and I buy, and don (and keep on hand) in emergencies such as this one. We've been known to bust this out if a cute boy doesn't call back, after a shit day at work, or tonight, when we looked at a kitten-to-be's quarters and there was, no kitten. This lipstick is the classic red cake that you can imagine an older woman donning, who maybe smells a bit mothballish. I don't know this for a fact, but it's a red that should not be worn out of the house. Rather, should be saved for occasions such as this, for a good laugh while one may or may not have been crawling around on the living room floor showing roommate how a kitten might bathe themselves.*

To better luck tomorrow.

*No alcohol was consumed during the red lipstick scene and/or the possible kitten bathing demonstration, which may or may not have really happened.

reason # 737, 738, 739, & 740 on why keeping in contact with an ex is a bad idea:

-because no matter how many times you try and tell yourself that things have changed, a person, really doesn't change. this you know to be true.

-what seems like a good idea at the time will, inevitably end up kicking you in the ass the next day, and for the several days following that.

-it's really not helpful to be reminded of the song that he hears to this day that still reminds him of you.
oh, or to rehash the time at your old apartment, when no one was around, that thing that you two did. that he thinks is so hot, and oh by the way, just so happened to mention to his buddies the other day. really, what the fuck?

-and most importantly:
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

May

Have you ever started writing something, on a topic you wanted to write about, thought, "oh this a good blog would make!," and yet, when it comes right down to it, it's not making a good blog? The writing is turning out choppy and run-ony. You find you're using too many puns, too much cliché, and the point of what you really wanted to say, is just totally lost. At least it's not evident in your writing. You strive to write evocative things. Like that time you busted out something in your writing class that people gave really good feedback on. You want to write, because it's been days, but you're finding you're hitting backspace more often than not, and highlighting whole sentences and going for delete on contact.
So you end up not writing, on your blog at least, for a day or two, or a few days, sometimes a week. Because whenever you try to write, you get the feeling something is missing. Or maybe that's just how you felt about the last guy you were dating. Things seem confusing and the idea of writing about you being an only child just seems altogether dumb now. So you paint your nails, shop online and buy a new pair of shoes, and come back. To the computer, or your journal. Because sometimes you find when you write not at your computer but at your favorite Barnes and Noble, in your journal, things come easier to you. A different kind of flow there. Especially when you can do some people watching. So you try that, but still, it's all seeming hard and tough and that's not how this writing thing you love so much should feel like.
So you think that maybe you're mind is just a little too full right now. With birthday plans, boy or lack thereof uncertainty, which two Idols will be booted tonight, why it's so freezing in your office, etc. So you decide that perhaps this just isn't happening, not today at least. And you know you can't really force it. Tomorrow is a new day, and it's May now, a good month, so things will happen. More writing will happen soon because it's May, and you like May.

The big C

Earlier today I wrote a whole post about cancer. And how much it fucking sucks. And how unfair it is. And everything I hate about cancer. And then I accidentally deleted it.

Which, I'm taking as a sign. Perhaps my post about my disgust with cancer wasn't meant to get out there. I don't know. Maybe I just needed to vent and now it's time to let that all go.

Someone in my family, someone who means the world to me, has been affected by cancer, again. After ten years of breast cancer remission, the nasty bitch is back. And it's all sorts of unfair and crazy and just not right. But we all know, life isn't fair, life is fragile, all of that stuff. I know this. I know that bad things just do happen to good people. She even said herself to me tonight over dinner, "we aren't asked if we want cancer." It's not a choice we're given. We have no say. It just happens.

No it's not fair, but really, life just isn't. So all we can do is deal. Deal with the cards we are dealt, even if they wicked suck, and just hope and pray and keep faith. What is our other option, really? Sit and be bitter and pissed and angry? I guess we could do that. We're all entitled to that. And you can bet your ass that there were swears and tears and frustration the other day with the most recent news. But as I've mentioned before, life is just so unpredictable. We just never know. One day things can be totally great and happy and sweet, and then just like that, everything can change. Right in front of our eyes.

It can only go to show, that we must open up our eyes a little more. Try with every healthy bone in our body to live each day to the absolute fullest. Be thankful for what we've got, do not take one second for granted. Realize that the life that we know and are so used to and comfortable with right now, can change, all in a matter of seconds.

What is our other option?

tell me the reason and make it better

Today I'm fidgety. I'm nervous and I feel a little off centered. I feel butterflies and my palms are sweaty. I keep drinking tons of water, and I want chocolate, lots of it. I feel a little nauseous, and I want to be tucked under my covers, with Oprah on my tv. I keep playing with my earrings like I do, when I'm nervous or overthinking about something. I feel off.

I have no real, good, certifiable reason for this feeling. It's out of the blue and it's weird. And it reminds me of the days when my ex and I used to fight, or be in an argument first thing in the morning, about some stupid something, and then it would all seep into my workday. And all day, my mind just could not gain any type of focus. I felt similar to how I do today, back then. Nervous and panicky. I little bit sick. Not totally right.

But there's no fighting. There's no arguments, no discourse. My ex and I haven't talked, I'm not upset, there's nothing wrong. There's no reasonable explanation for this feeling. And I hate that. I need a reason.

I've had two really good dates with my guy friend. That one a couple weeks ago, with the martinis and the adult conversations. Then last night… dinner and chilling at his place. He's all sorts of very nice, funny, and comfortable to be around, complimentary and cute. All those things, he's got all of that. Good, quality things.

And I can't pick out anything wrong. But my overanalytical self just can't seem to help but try to. Why do I do this? Why do I find the need to pick things apart? Tear a good date apart to find something wrong? I'm searching, looking, needing there to be something, but there isn't. Everything has been going so well. I'm happy when I'm with him, he makes me smile, and laugh. The pace is just right. A good, healthy, normal, nice pace. There's not calls and texts and emails all over the place. I don't feel smothered. I feel excited upon the idea of seeing him. Want to see him. Want to plan dates. I am attracted to him.

Maybe it's that I'm used to doing the single thing for so long? This is just the newness and adjustment to it? But what, with a new, good relationship, I am supposed to feel a little bit sick? Off balance? Nervous like this?

Is it that I'm not used to this? In my last relationship, the beginnings consisted of no such dating. No dinner dates, cocktails, getting to know you's. None of that stuff. It was all very intense, very fast, and boom, we were a couple. A serious couple and then it was deep. We were in deep, and it was all so fast. So much emotion, so fast. Too much. Too soon.

Maybe I'm just not used to this. This nice treatment, by a genuine guy? Someone that makes me laugh and that I have actually had good dates with, that leave me looking forward to more? Well that's all a good thing. It should be. It is. But why then, do I feel like I need to find something, something not right? How come the feeling of a little bit off?
What in the hell is my deal? Isn't this totally mad? That I should be feeling this way? With such a good new prospect? Does this mean something deeper? Am I making this into some crazy big deal when I should just be going with the flow and saying fuck it, and just being in the moment? Why is there the nervousness, the butterflies and the uncertainty, and the overfreakinganalyzing?

Why do I do this? Can't I just enjoy a good thing? This is a good thing. Come on!

signals

I'm not good always, at feeling out whether a guy is interested or not. I used to be better at it. Now, sometimes, I just don't know. I don't read these signals well. Sometimes I misread them, thinking that when he asked for my number he really wanted to get to know me, was genuinely interested, and didn't just want to sleep together. Other times I'll misunderstand and be totally aloof and not even fathom that a guy like that, could be into a girl like me.

Because I have not done so well at reading the signals lately. Therefore, lately, I don't always know what the right move is. And it makes me more reserved, and I hate that. It's partly because of the guy that I went out with a couple weeks ago. I met him the night of the speed dating, not at the event but after. I should have known when I joked with him that he probably regularly attends these events to pick up the girls at the end of the night who haven't left or coupled off, that that actually was the case. His sly little laugh and smirk should have told me better. When I met him for drinks and appetizers the following week, I should have known that he wasn't what I was looking for based on his incessant grilling of me to come back to his place to "watch a movie" after only spending about an hour together. No thank you.

I should have read those signs. But the date was one of the best I've ever had. There was laughing, flirting, kissing. It was really good, and fun. And promising, I thought. At least of something fun, a dating thing, which is what I was looking for from this. Not necessarily anything serious. I would have considered a second date.

Well apparently that's not what this guy wanted either. Which I learned the following week, when he and his three friends met us at the same place as the week before, and a group of ended up going back to his house with everyone for a little gathering. Words that shouldn't be mentioned outside of a serious relationship and the comfort zone that I may or may not get in with someone, were whispered, in sketchy, skeevy, whiskey laden tones in my ear. He didn't want to date. He wanted sex. And want to have me do things to him, in his upstairs guestroom. Just real quick, they'll never know. I'm no Charlotte, and I'm not freaked at the occasional dirty talk, in the right situation. But this was obscene. Gross, really. Inappropriate and such.a.turnoff.

And here I am, thinking things could be fun, dating like fun. A cool guy, funny and friendly and sexy. No, wrong. Again, me, wrong. With the signals. What gives? Am I just not able to read them? I'm usually good at that kind of thing.

So this is the issue. How do you know when a guy is looking for just sex, or something more? When he asks you out to eat, how do you know what kind of eating out he may have in mind? Do you just go with it, and see what happens? And that's how you learn? Then why did he even bother with the drinks, the appetizers, the family talk, acting like he gives a shit about that stuff?

I guess I'm just not sure. Some guys, they just have a vibe about them. You know that they aren't looking for dating, or a relationship, and sometimes you're still interested, and that can all be well and good. Some guys, appear to want the dating thing, yet surprise you like this one did. Others, you just fall into a relationship with, it's easy and fun and you both want the same thing, things just seem to go along so nicely, it's no work at all and you're just consumed by the goodness of it all; it almost feels too good to be true. Or maybe that's just a daydream of mine.

And maybe lately my signal reading has been a little off. And maybe this is most definitely one to add to the come on list.

Oh well.

enough

That little situation, that I felt "ready" to write about? Well it hasn't really gotten better, or resolved one way or the other. The whole ball that dropped was that I found out that he and his girlfriend are now living together. The catch is, I still, have not, heard this news from him. I've heard it from everyone but him. His sister, his grandparents, his best friends, his mom. I'm not kidding. It's everyone, but it's not him. And that's what gets me the most. That given the relationship/non-relationship we had, it would make sense to me, well, that he tell me. And okay, he's "busy" and he "just got a new car" and he's "helping her move in" and he "hasn't thought about telling me"... but come on? You cannot tell me that he can't be assuming that I haven't heard, by now. It's been, almost three weeks since I heard the news, not from him. Oh, I already mentioned that.

So I figured, my options were simple. Either, keep on keeping on, like this. Being frustrated, kind of angry, hurt, and upset, and say nothing about it to him, while I wait. OR, I could say something. It's that simple. I knew it would have to be over email, because I couldn't do the phone call thing right now, too much. I'm one who tends to believe that there is no use in complaining about something that you are unhappy with, if you aren't making any steps to change the circumstances. So, I think I have had my allowed sad time. Then it was the frustrated period and the kind of ticked off stage. And now, it's the had it stage. So I had to do something. I couldn't complain about something I wasn't going to do anything about, any longer.

And so I emailed him. After lots of thought, back and forths of should I? and is it worth it? I decided I have to, and yes. I couldn't just continue to wait and wait, and say nothing about this, anymore. My intention was to try and be direct and to the point. Not overly friendly, but not bitchy either. Blunt and clear. Finally letting him know that this news is hurtful, yet none the less, if it's what brings him happiness, then for that I am happy.

I guess now it's more of the waiting game. When he'll read it and what he'll say. At least I finally got it out there though. Sucks it didn't come from him to begin with and I needed to drag it out of him. But really, enough is enough.

Is enough.

i don't know

My body is aching today. I usually say I like this kind of ache, because I know it's the good kind, where I worked it hard at the gym and therefore, good results should come of this. But today, I feel pissed off that my body is sore. My heart is aching, and I don't want any additional soreness, on top of that. I'm whining, complaining, and not thinking about any positives. That's not really like me, and then that makes me feel bad. It's Friday, and I've been looking forward to the end of the week, well, all week. I get a long weekend and I've been craving that for the past five days. But I have a feeling of indifferance tooday. I don't know what I want. I'm a little hungry, but I don't want anything in the cabinets. I am tired but I can't sleep. I think I want to listen to music, but then I end up turning it down low in the car, because it's too much noise. I go back and forth between sad songs, hard, angry songs, rock, and rap. I don't want any of it. I want to talk on the phone to my friends, but I end up starting to call and then hanging up. I think I want a glass of orange juice, but I take a sip and dump the rest. I don't like to complain, and be all woe is me. Things could be worse. I usually have the ability to look at the glass as half full, on the bright side of things. But I don't even want to do that right now. I wish I was back in bed.

Ouch

Once I was a good twenty minutes into it, I couldn't distinguish what it was that I was crying about. I mean, I knew what I was upset about, but the tears only really started, after I had so carelessly slammed the top of my head on my dresser as I was putting some clothes away.

Funny how all it takes is something really little to get you going, when you know a good meltdown is on it's way.

It's my mom's voice too. Of course it's also seeing her in person, coming at me to wrap her arms around me when she knows I'm upset, but it's even just her voice. Hearing her voice on the phone, after a bad day, if I've been holding it all inside, that will do it. I will inevitably, lose it. And I'll pretend it's not happening. That the water is boiling, that I have another call, that I just have a tickle in my throat, no I'm not crying, I'm fine. I won't let her hear the actual quiver in my voice. It's not that I'm ashamed of it, or as if I won't tell her when we talk today. It's just that the more I hear her voice, the harder it will get for me to hold back the tears that are on their way. Hard to keep it under wraps.

Not that I have to keep it under wraps. But I was trying to. At least for an hour or two. I held it back when I found out, when S told me. Because then, that wasn't the time or place. I was in the car, it was raining, I needed to focus. No crying. I came home, tried to just do my thing, to avoid thinking about it. I couldn't help it; I did think about it, a lot. At that point though, I didn't feel like crying; I had no tears ready. I was numb. I was feeling hurt, angry, humiliated, and frustrated. I had a zillion emotions, running, crazy wild through my mind. But I remember feeling surprised that I wasn't crying then. It just wasn't happening.

Until I slammed my head. And fuck, that really, really hurt. I slammed my head as I was getting up, on the corner of my bureau, and for the love of Jesus God, it killed. T heard me yell. She asked if I was okay; I said yes. It's her voice too. It started. Her asking me, her caring voice, my pounding head and my aching heart, it all started, then and there.

It's a simple thing like that, and it will do it. And it had me, curled in a ball on my bed, using my teddy bear's paw to wipe my eyes. The tears just kept coming. Part of it I had done to myself. My head really ached. The other part, was beyond my control at that moment in time. It wasn't something I could have been less careless about, so as not to have my heart be aching right then, like my head was, it just happened. It has been a bit of a long time coming, and I knew that when it did, it might not be pretty.

It is a combination of physical and emotional pain. My head still hurts today, and so does my heart. I prefer the first hurt, the kind I can actually put my hands on, that will soon subside, to the intangible hurt, that's deep within, that's so very hard to mend.

I'll pick 5:30AM instead

Tonight I have been reminded why I have always hated going to the gym at night.

For one, it's freaking crowded. So crowded. The elliptical I usually choose upstairs? Taken. The stretching area/room with the balls? A zoo. All I wanted was to get a quick workout in, and I really did know damn well I was taking a chance by going at 7pm, but I haven't worked out in too long, I didn't get there this morning, and I figured I'd give it a go. I thought it would be fine. I was wrong.

And you know who they are. Those damn guys with the polyester Adidas pants 5 sizes too big. With the ripped, muscle shirt on, and his ipod either strapped or clipped on somewhere. He's that guy. There's a good chance he's wearing too much cologne, or else he looks like he hasn't showered or shaved in days, you take your pick. And he looks like he's in a frat. The one who struts around, does his reps on the machine, then doesn't wipe it off. He thinks he's the best looking thing there, and when I try to squint to see the latest on Nicole Richie's arrest, he thinks I'm looking at him. Yeah, ew.

Those guys are everywhere in the evenings. They're there, and so are the cutesy chicks who dress up for the gym in order to impress these guys. And it's crowded and it's annoying and instead of it being a good stress reliever, going to the gym with this scenery at hand really leaves me feeling... yeah, annoyed.

And to top it off? I dropped an f-ing 15 pound weight on my toe. Yeah, shit.

I love the gym in the morning. It's quiet, calm, and clean. The people there are similar to myself. Also some moms, perhaps even some good looking men who aren't still in college, who didn't drink a 30 rack last night. They actually have to go to work today. It's nice there in the morning, and I feel all happy and good about the morning gym experience. Screw this night stuff.

Now, when my alarm goes off at 5:30am, I will no longer think to myself, "I'll just go tonight." No, no freaking way. I will remember tonight, and every other night I've attempted the nighttime gym experience and I will damn straight pick an early morning over this any day.