nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky

There are those certain times, that while you're living them, you just know you want to make a conscious effort to tuck away a part of that memory, that moment. Etch it into your mind, your heart. The way she smiled during that conversation, the sweetness of that kiss outside in the rain, the way it felt to finally say what you wanted to say to him. There are those specific moments, snippits of time, that you can just feel it. Feel the need to really embrace it and be there with it, take it all in as much as you can. Because before you know it, the moment will be gone. You know right then and there that you need to make a yourself remember it. And then you find, that not only have you remembered the moment, but you have the details. The color of the place mat at her kitchen table and how the seat cushion was starting to fray just a spec. The way the rain was starting to trickle down the driveway and form a puddle by your feet. What you were wearing when you told him that you needed a little space that cool day in March.

There are other times, when perhaps you weren't thinking that this is one of these times, those things that you should for sure, tuck away, keep close, to remember down the road. Sometimes they're sneaky, these memories. You'll be sitting in your bed at night listening to Rachel Yamagata, and find yourself remembering the way his hand fit in yours. How he tucked your hair behind your ear and kissed your cheek.

Time goes by, life happens. Before you know it you're sitting on the couch at 11:30pm on a weeknight, drinking beers with good friends, rehashing the remember-when's of a couple years ago. The time that you're apartment had a flood and you all stayed in a hotel for the night. When relationships were new and your best friend couldn't eat (and let's be frank, neither could you, by association) because she had that "I'm gonna shit" feeling that you get when a new guy is in the picture.

As we grow older, and life changes happen, we realize that what is, right now, might not be, in a month. Or a year. Being able to sit around and shoot the shit with good friends, drinking beers with no reserve, with no big obligations other than feeding a new kitty can sometimes be taken for granted. If you let them.

When you sit back and think of the times, perhaps a year ago, maybe five years ago or more, when things were so different than they are now, it helps to put things in perspective. Because when you're say, ten, and you want to go play outside on the swings with your best friend across the street, and you misplace a jelly shoe, that is the biggest thing in your life. That's big happenings and thinking about it now makes you realize that you had it so easy then.

Which makes you think about the present. The way things are, right now. And how quickly things can, and do change. Because five years from now, you and your best friends probably won't have the luxury to just meetup over American Idol and margaritas. People will marry, and move, and make babies. Some of you already have. It makes you grateful and appreciative for what is, right now, this instant. The small moments that pass between friends and loved ones. Soft touches and glances across the room. Shopping at Target for three hours on a Tuesday night.

Realizing that things won't always be this way, and could very possibly change at any moment, makes you just that much more appreciative of it right as it's happening. Right now.

fragile

Things I know to be true:

-Life is too short

-And not fair

-Tequila and I do not a good combo make

-My mother can always make me smile

-Fish don't live forever

-Neither do loved ones

-And they are often taken away way, way too soon

-Lindsey Lohan is out of control. Seriously.

-You can rarely find flights to the West Coast for as sweet of a deal as I recently did

-Divorce can really complicate things within a family

-Watching someone close to you go through something awful, and not being able to make it better for them is really heartbreaking

-Candles always make things seem a little better for me

-A good dose of sun can do wonders for the soul

-Some people just really want someone to listen. Like the little old lady that I visited tonight.

-The saying "things happen for a reason," as much as I try and use it/believe it/live it, does not always make sense.

I Believe

I believe in tipping appropriately. Extra well for good service. And treating waitstaff with respect. I also believe in sending food back if it's not how you ordered it.

I believe in staying in my pajamas, not showering, lazing around, in bed, all day. Sometimes with wine. And a good friend, or a good man.

I believe in the power of a sincere apology. And telling those that are nearest and dearest "I love you," often. And that it's never too late to do or say either of these things.

I believe that there is a time and place for everything. Humor is very necessary, but inappropriate in some situations.

I believe in seeing a good chick flick at least once a month. And girl time. Often.

I believe in dessert, and working out a little extra for it.

I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. I believe that the good that you put out to the world will come back to you.

I believe that we are affected, at least in some way, by every person that we meet. I believe people come into our lives for a reason.

I believe that in the end, things will all work out as they are supposed to.

I believe in positive thinking. I also believe in self fulfilling prophecies. If you say you are going to have a shitty day, you probably will. And the law of attraction, I believe in that, big time.

I believe in wearing sunscreen. I also believe in baking in the sun for hours, but not without sunscreen.

I believe that I have been truly blessed with a wonderful family, amazing friends, a roof over my head, and a little extra cash each month to go spend on accessories. For these things, I am immensely grateful.

I believe that pets can really understand us, our moods, and our funks.

I believe that the way a guy treats his mother says a lot.

I believe in an afterlife.

I believe that life is what we make of it. And that choice has a hell of a lot to do with it all.

I believe that once something truly hurtful is said or done, it cannot be taken back.

I believe that everyone has a story to tell. Sometimes elderly people especially.

I believe in having a smaller meal before going out to get a better, and quicker, and cheaper buzz.

I believe in chemistry. I believe that physical attraction is not everything, but it's very important.

I believe in using my fingers to add or subtract.

I believe in the importance of spending time alone, with just yourself. And the rejuvinating effect that can have. And I believe in being independent.

I believe that one can not possibly, fully understand the depths of another's heartache unless they have walked a mile in their shoes.

I believe that one can never have too many shoes. Or accessories. Or purses.

I think that everyone, unfortunately, will be affacted first hand, or know someone, a friend of a friend even, by cancer.

I believe in the healing power of a warm emrace. I believe that my mom will always be able to make the shittiest day better.

I believe that people should take risks. Do things that they have always wanted to do, even if they're scary things. To step outside of the box, out of the norm, the everyday mundane, and just live on the wild side. Even if that means highlighting your hair, getting a tattoo, traveling alone, or getting your ears pierced. Do it. Dare to take risks.

I believe that women are meant to have curves. And that curvy=sexy.

I believe in the turn on ability of Van Moorison playing in the background, while drinking wine, smelling yummy cologne, with candle lit ambiance.

I believe in really listening when talking to someone. Trying not to focus so much on what I want to say next and really, really listening.

something so small

sometimes? someone totally random will do something totally uncharacteristic, something out of the blue, and it will have a way of adding a little needed sunshine to your day.

and if you're real lucky? this will happen when you need it most, and often.

when this happens to me, i can't help but feel very grateful and appreciative. on a bad day, where things just don't seem to get off on the right foot, from the get go, and continue to spiral down a shit path throughout the day. it's during these days, when nothing is going right, you are feeling your ugliest, your fattest, your most undesirable. you're overwhelmed, stressed, emotional, and all together feeling just off. wrong. shitty. when someone dishes a compliment on one of these off days? doesn't it then feel like things are all just a little bit better?

at least it does for me.

and when this happens on a really good day? the type where the morning starts off good, it's a friday even, your hair actually does what you want it to, it's finally warm out, you're feeling like you look good, well that's just wicked great. your day is already pretty much a 10, and a compliment comes your way, and it only gets that much better.

but then i start to think. imagine the people that have the latter of the days mentioned, most days? or people who don't have work colleagues who are very nice. who don't have special friends who dish compliments just because. don't even have family that they can depend on. no special someones in their lives at all. and, maybe they don't have much money, or motivation, or means to look and feel good about themselves as often as they'd like. imagine how a compliment, a random act of kindness would change their day?

i think about this notion, often. how much a random act of kindness really can affect a person. change someone's day. just a smile even. how much of a tremendous impact that can make on someone's day. how it can change their outlook.

and imagine if that's directed towards someone who never experiences that kind of thing? a smile. something so small, but isn't it something that we sometimes take for granted?

after thinking about this recently, and a lot today, i have decided to really go even more out of my way to extend those random acts of kindness to people. a compliment. getting the door for someone. leaving an extra tip. smiling at a stranger. sending a thinking of you card for no reason. telling a friend that i'm there for them if they need to talk. paying a little more than your share. surprising someone with a coffee. for something that can take such little effort, it can hugely impact someone in unthinkable ways.

at least it did for me.

questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart

there were times when i clearly remember thinking that i would never ever be the same without you. and that scared me. i didnt want to be me, without you. there were days that i would walk around in a bit of a fog, because of nights spent kept awake reaching for your body that was no longer there, searching for your lingering smell on my pillow that was now gone. weekends we once spent together, were now filled with coffee shops, girlfriends, cocktails, and many tears. the journal that i started when i first felt the pangs of uncertainty about us, was being scribbled in on a daily basis now. to read it now would show a script of a very tumultuous time.

months went by and things did seem to get a little better. then a slip up. a picture would fall from the pile on my nightstand. looking through email archives id find the lyrics to love songs you used to send me. and for the next several days, it was rough. tears again, and fears. fear that, shit, no way, really? again? im going backwards? and i thought i was doing so good. ive been here before but it was months ago. why am i back here? this pattern would happen. things would be okay, then another damn slip up. and then the tears. and fears. and questioning.

then more time would go by. and weeks turned into months with no real missing you pangs. well not that brought full on tears anymore at least. i still missed you. id be kidding you if i said it was a quick and easy thing, to get over you. over us. it wasnt. it still isnt.

i dont think about you too much anymore. and when i do, at first its your smell and your arms that i miss, or your hands. then its your yelling and anger that i dont miss, and your meanness.

and i realize how far i have come.

i used to not be able to imagine me, without you. i used to not want to be me, without you. now, almost a year later, i cant imagine me with you. i cant imagine someone like me, who i have become, who i have changed into, being with someone like you.

and that's progress.

time and practice

Clearly, my last couple of posts haven't been all too upbeat. They've been downright... downers. Last week, I was wallowing in the throws of it all, feeling bad about the current situation I was in, what had happened, how it had all went down, and I just didn't have anything all too good, or positive to write about.

It's times when I write about that stuff that I wonder, how much anonymity should I have on here? I could have very well not been so vague about what was going on. Could have said what happened, why I was upset. On this blog, I have never really said my first name, although others have, in reply to some of my posts. I haven't said where I live, where I grew up, anything much about the siblings I don't have, or the job I'm not too thrilled with. There hasn't been anything really specific so that if you were a semi acquaintance, you'd think this was me. And sometimes I wonder, whether I should talk more about that stuff, more of the meat, less of the fluff. I wonder really, what would be the big deal if people did recognize me from here? There's nothing I'm really hiding. But sometimes, I think, I wouldn't want T to see THIS POST, or C to see THIS. But why? What's the big deal? So some of this is probably news to them, but what's the biggie? And aren't I just being honest, and isn't honesty the best thing? Hmm... I wonder. How much is too much? How much isn't really enough? (When) will people, will I, become bored with my writing, and look at it more as just observations and sometimes random thoughts of a regular girl, some laughs and some tears, but feel that all this, is lacking in depth?

Maybe it's still just a lot of the newness of it. Still getting my feet wet with all if this. I started this blog as a way to work on my writing. To have a log to look back on, to see where I've been, how far I've come, and what I've learned along the way. To meet new people. To learn about myself. So really, (and I know this, I just need to be reminded of it), I know that I owe no one an explanation, no justification for this or that. That this thing, it is what it is. I'd say it's a pretty accurate reflection of what's going on for me at the time, my mood and emotions, my feelings and observations. Perhaps it's all more me, just needing to be more confident, with all of this.
And in time, I hope I get there. The more practice, the better I will feel about it all, I suppose.

-Meg

have me

say those words, like that, so sweetly

laugh out loud, like that

be goofy and silly with me, like we do

compliment me, like that, talking about my hair when it's, like that

put your hand on the table, pass me your drink, like that

and look at me, really look at me that way, where i feel like you really get me, like that

write to me, about this and our memories, and what we've done and how you like that

compare, like i do, and say that no one is the same, like that

lie in my arms and seek comfort, you know i will hold you there, like that

and put me in a situation, like this

and just like that, like this, you have me

you always have

places, and drinks

I want to be sitting by the ocean right now, with my ipod on, with my feet in the sand, the sun blazing down on me, with a frozen drink in my hand.
Or I want to be in a cabin, in the middle of the mountains, with a cozy fire going, a big wool sweater on, and a hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps in my hand.
I also wouldn't mind being on Lake Tahoe, on a boat, going around the lake, with the wind breezing through my long hair, music playing, with a coors light in my hand.
Maybe on a frozen pond, wearing mittens, holding hands with someone, laughing because we aren't the best skaters but we're having a blast, sipping a tazo chai.
I'd like to be at a black tie party, in a sexy black dress, with my hair up, the perfect accessories and shoes, a new perfume, and a martini in my hand.
I wish I were babysitting the kids I used to years ago, going outside with them, building a snowman, coming inside and baking homemade cookies, with a tall glass of milk in my hand.
I'd like to be in front of the tv, watching Grey's Anatomy, with my best friends, under a blanket, in comfy clothes, with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'd like to be in bed, under high thread count sheets, with a good man, with playful laughter and longing glances, hair sweeping gestures and morning breath, and two cups of french vanilla coffee.
I'd like to be celebrating the new year, with those that mean the most to me, with new years paraphernalia, steamers, sparkles, and a glass of champagne in my hand.
I'd be happy to be at the mall, shopping at Crate and Barrel, and Express, with no lines, and sales, sipping an Orange Julius.
I'd like to be somewhere far away from here, where I've never been, exploring new things, and new people, with a drink I've never had in my life in my hand.

availability in all shapes and forms

"Do you think that you are attracted to unavailable men?" she asked me. "Well no. It just so happens that two of the people that are on my mind right now, happen to be unavailable." I am not drawn to them for that reason. As a criteria. Looking for unavailable people. "Yes, but when one was available you didn't want to be with him, and you have never given the other situation a chance." I didn't know what her point was. I didn't get it; I wasn't sure where she was going with this. I began to think of a really big glass of wine, and chocolate. I had cramps. Perhaps this conversation wasn't going to really go anywhere.

"I don't mean this to be mean," she said, "but you are the only person I know, your age, that doesn't want to pull their hair out when it comes to dating." I said nothing, just stared at her. Was she going to say something else? Was it my turn? Did she want my reaction to that? I had nothing. "Most people your age are all caught up in meeting the next man, the perfect man, being in a relationship. You just seem to be so at ease about it all, like it's not even much of a priority." Well, it's NOT a priority. By any means. I have always felt that when the time is right, things happen. That there is a reason behind everything and right now, I'm single for a reason. I'm usually pretty fine with it.

I do often find myself missing good parts of relationships past, but I also find that I'm totally caught up in the good parts of being single. Not having anyone to check in with, doing my own thing, when I want to do it. Less money spent around the holiday season. Time to take creative classes like cooking and "change your inner talk change your world" (I took it, it works... I need to review the notes though, toxic voices are somewhat loud lately). Things like that, about being single, that I'm enjoying and wholeheartedly delving into. Sure I would like a cute man companion to be on board with me, but I'm not feeling incomplete because I don't have it. It's just... it's not a priority, she was right.

Okay, so there do happen to be people on my mind that are unavailable. Physically. And emotionally. Okay, and geographically. Etc. Etc. Blah blah blah.

I've learned, that it's better to be single, and attracted to someone unavailable, than in a relationship with someone who is unavailable. I've learned, that there is a difference between someone who is available physically for a relationship, and being emotionally available to be in one. I've learned, that you can even be in a relationship, with someone who appears to be by all definitions, "available," but turns out that ends up being so far from the truth it's scary. Being with someone who isn't emotionally available, to love you the way you need to be loved, to make you feel secure and comforted in the relationship, to make you happy, well that experience is just awful. It's painful. And sad.

So, I've learned, there's many ways to be involved with an unavailable person. Sometimes you don't even know it's happening, until you're in the thick of it, and it's too late. No warning. No sign that they are going to be emotionally not available for you. Sometimes it's hard to see that distinction, when it's not a physical availability we're talking about, rather an emotional one.

What I haven't learned, is how, or why I guess, I have been involved in these type of situations, and how to kind of... avoid them? But then again not all of them have even turned out bad. They all really have been experiences from which I've grown. They've happened, and sometimes it's sucked, but they all have taught me something or another.

"What are you thinking right now?" she asked.
"I don't know."
I don't always know what to say when she asks me these questions, these things that I sometimes think are randomly out of the blue. But at least it gets me thinking.

someday

I'm not really ready
to be all okay with this

I can pretend though
that when you say that, like that
that I'm happy
that it doesn't bother me

I can pretend
that I don't see that
hear that
that I don't really feel like this

the truth is
I'm not really ready
to be all okay with this

I can pretend that this may not in fact, really be real
that it's not serious
even if it is

I can pretend that I'm content with what's missing
what was once there but now is not
because perhaps this is the way it needs to be

and, I can tell myself over and over
that this is what's right, at least for now
the way it should be

but right now
im not really ready
to be all okay with this

That's not like me....right?

Over the past year, I have become more introspective. I have learned new things about myself. I think know myself better at this point in my life than I ever have before. Which, is, a good thing. It should be, at least that's how I feel the majority of the time. I have gotten to know who I am more, what I'm looking for in my life- in a career, in a relationship, in friendships, in my future.

Learning more about myself has been an interesting process. I get a total thrill out of getting to know people. My current friends, new people, people from my past. I find it so captivating to learn about people, relationships, connections, interactions, etc. Relationships in general are so much a part of who I am. The relationships I have or have had- both platonic, and romantic, significant, and minute, all tend to play a significant role in how I in turn, learn about myself. It intrigues me, really gives me a charge, to be able to learn about different parts of people's character. I find that any interaction with someone else can be an opportunity to learn more about oneself.

Learning about others, making new friends, meeting new people, learning what other people are like, what makes them tick... it's always been so important to me and I have no doubt it will remain that way. It's in these interactions with people that I have found so many opportunities to learn more about me, and who I am. Not by any means in a self fulfilling way, I think just by nature of how I am, I find a way to spend time with myself thereafter, reflect and learn from all of these interesting interactions (good, bad, scary, romantic, intimate, inebriated, steamy, small, huge... all kinds).

So okay, I say I know myself well. I can describe myself in a paragraph, what I'm like, what I do, what I (think) I want in a relationship.... but I've gotten to thinking, is all of this a crock of shit?

I say I know who I am and what I'm like. I'd say I'm kind and understanding, but then I'll surprise myself and snap at someone or make a quick judgment. I say I know what I'm looking for in a career, but I'm in a job that I thought was exactly what I wanted to do, and I'm unhappy. If I knew so well what I'm looking for in a relationship, why then does it come so easy for me to fall for the wrong guy? Friendships are probably one of the biggest areas where I know what I want, because in that realm, I am so very blessed. No complaints there whatsoever!

I guess the more I think about it, the more I realize that yeah, maybe I do know more about myself now than I have in a long time. But there's always going to be more to learn. I'm really okay with that part. It's the times when I find that I've done something, said something, that I don't expect, that I didn't know I had in me (good or bad) that gets me a little off guard. I know, intellectually, that there is nothing wrong with that- finding out new things about myself, learning about a different way I handle something that I once dealt with a different way. I know this, that this should be okay. That I shouldn't feel so taken aback when something like this happens. There's no need to be so hard on myself. Hell, when I learn new things about other people, it's great and it's exciting and interesting and it's what I love. But when it's me? Why is it such a problem for me? Why can't I just experience that new side of me, that reaction, response, feeling, and as new and different as it may be, actually just be okay with that?