Tuesday, November 28, 2006


November 27, 2006

I just got in late last night from my longest stay ever in Reno. I have probably been there about 8 or 9 times now, and every single time I go, I feel like, this could be home.

It could be home for a lot of reasons. It could be home, because my dad is there. It's where he moved a little over three years ago. And C's there. He's been there even before my dad. When I think of home, I think of a lot of East Coast things, naturally; it's my familiar. But lately, I have thought of home as so many parts of the West Coast too.

It could be home because the area there is so me. It's so beautiful and I could totally picture myself moving there, finding a small one bedroom, I'd already have some people I know, so that would be a good thing, and I'd have the mountains, and Lake Tahoe. I'd have family and some friends already. I'd have no humidity and I'd have warm days on a hammock.

For a couple months at the end of my last year in grad school, I seriously considered moving out there. I'd go to see my dad, and I'd pick up apartment listings books outside grocery stores. I'd be even more observant, taking in the areas we'd drive through, look at "for rent" signs even more intently. I'd check the newspapers, google apartments when I'd get back home. I looked at the jobs out there, I found jobs I could apply for. I pictured my life there, my moving there. And so much of it was so appealing. So much of it still is.

As many aspects of it that I love and that I could picture would be so home to me, a whole huge chunk of it is just too unfamiliar to my familiar, lifelong home.

My mom is home. My home was with her for my childhood, and she's always going to be my home, even now, as an adult. We have an amazing relationship for which I am so grateful. I honestly couldn't picture being that far from her. My grandparents are home to me. All four of them, who I am so fortunate to still have in my life. I've even lived part of my childhood with my mom's parents. My home was with them. My best friends are home to me. I've lived with them too, they were my home for more than just a year, and they are still my home. They are my go to people if I need to talk it out in the middle of the night; they're the siblings I never had.

Home has always been the East Coast to me. The New England cold weather, the seasons, especially the fall, the Sox, Bruins, and Pats. York Beach, Hampton Beach, the town I grew up in. The Nor'easters, the 90 degree humid weather, they are all so very much home to me. It may not all be stuff that's amazing and desirable to others, but it's still what I know, what I'm used to, what makes up "home" if someone were to ask me to describe it.

All of these people and things have made up my home for the past almost 24 and a half years. The thought of being far away from all of that, it's freaky. It scares me and it gives me the feeling. But it excites me too. And for those few months after grad school, I was legitamately getting ready to be serious about this move. But for all these reasons of a familiar home and all things associated with it, I couldn't do it. I am still here, home with the familiar- the faces, the memories, the people. I'm home with all of that.

They say "home is where the heart is." But what if you're heart is grounded, if it is home, in two places? And the thought of leaving one place for another is really that intriguing, yet at the same time that unthinkable? I am certainly one for trying new things, and being adventurous and although sometimes have a fear of change, I'm one to embrace it. Growth comes with change. I like being comfortable, but I also like the uncertainty that comes with new, with unfamiliar, with change.

But changing my home? To that far away? Not right now. Not yet. I guess I will just know when, or if, the time is ever going to be right for that. Or if some miracle happens, and Reno switches coasts, becomes New Hampshire, or Vermont, or Maine- then I'm so there, in a heartbeat.

Until then, I will spend my vacations embracing every moment I spend there. Taking it all in, living in the moment with it all. There's not many places that you can visit and really feel like you're home. I do there. And that's a good feeling.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The rest of "about moi"

Here's 58 more, to make 100 in the list...

43. I prefer to use an old fashion paper agenda type book rather than a techy PDA.

44. I am very good at keeping in touch with people. I like to write random letters, send out of the blue cards, and emails.

45. My mom and I always leave singing messages back and forth on our voicemails. Our favorite is You Are My Sunshine.

46. I hate the smell of it, I hate to DRAIN it, but I love tuna fish straight from the can.

47. People in my family have a long life expectancy. I’m still close with my great-grandmother’s sister, who is 98. She still takes aerobics classes.

48. I’ve seen John Mayer in concert I think, 7 times.

49. I really value my independence.

50. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I think Christmas has become too commercialized.

51. I have a real, like I’m back in third grade, pen-pal.

52. I wear mostly all silver jewelry. I have one gold diamond necklace that my mom gave me with the diamond from the engagement ring from my dad. They’ve since divorced, and this necklace is really special to me.

53. I used to have a fantasy of making out in the pouring rain. It finally came true.

54. I am very selective in what kind of deodorant I use.

55. I look forward to having children very much. I know I want more than one, maybe 2 or 3.

56. Peanut m&m’s are my downfall. I think it’s a family thing.

57. I make sure that every room in my apartment is clean and picked up. Except for my room. I have trouble keeping my bedroom organized.

58. I have always wanted to work at a grocery store. I used to play supermarket with my great grandmother, ringing up her items on a fake cash register. I love cash registers. I often think of getting a part time job as a cashier, just for the hell of it.

59. I love Italian subs, with hots please.

60. I don’t have any siblings. I do have an “almost sister,” and three or four close friends that are like sisters to me.

61. I don’t know whether I really believe or not that guys like it when girls make the first move.

62. I have a long history of worrying way too much about what people think.

63. It gets tiring sometimes, making sure that everyone is happy and content. This is my own doing though, and typically I enjoy it. It’s when I neglect to pay mind to my own happiness that it gets tiring.

64. My first love is still in the back of my mind. That doesn’t mean I want to get back together with him, it just means the relationship was very meaningful.

65. I miss swimming. Competitively, recreationally, teaching it, lifeguarding- all aquatic things related, I miss.

66. I check my email sometimes a little obsessively. I get so excited when I receive real mail.

67. I love the smell of new books, newspapers, and magazines.

68. I wear six rings on my fingers. They are all silver.

69. I enjoy going places alone. I value alone time as much as spending time with others.

70. I don’t like leaving people alone. This has been something that’s been hard for me since childhood. I remember, as a young child, worrying about my dad when he was home alone.

71. Pomegranates remind me of D. I never had one until sharing one with her. I also like pomegranate martinis.

72. I have been told that my blue eyes and my smile are my best physical features.

73. In a relationship, I need to be with someone who has his own interests, hobbies, and friends, outside of us together. And I need to be able to maintain my own independence. I would dig dating a guy that plays the guitar.

74. I am still very close with the family of my dad’s ex-girlfriend. Her daughter is the almost sister, and her son is one of my best friends. They are all wonderful.

75. I love winter hats, scarves, mittens, and gloves.

76. There are people in the blog world that I wish I knew in real life.

77. I have gone back and forth about thinking it would be cool to be on The Real World, and thinking I could never do it. The idea of "7 strangers, picked to live in a house, work together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens, when people stop being polite, and start getting real" intrigues me. Living with 6 other people, in a new place, in a sweet house, sounds pretty sweet. Everything on camera? Notsomuch.

78. I really like Morgan Freeman, and the movie Shawshank Redemption.

79. I miss the show Felicity. I remember watching it with my mom in high school and us talking about that being me one day, away at college. That seems like so long ago now in a way, but in others, only yesterday.

80. I want to get married in the fall. I don’t do well in the wicked heat, and hate humidity. I went to a really pretty wedding in October one time; it confirmed my plan. Hopefully my future husband will agree with this.

81. I miss peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. I remember in middle school, they had them in the cafeteria and they were made with three pieces of bread, tons of fluff, and the creamiest PB ever. I loved them.

82. I prefer my jelly with the preserves. I like raspberry the best.

83. I used to love watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I still do.

84. I can usually fall asleep pretty easily if I don’t have a lot on my mind. I doze often, and catch myself nodding my head. Oops.

85. I LOVE my digital camera, making collages, sending pictures to friends- everything picture related, I love.

86. I’m thinking it could be cool to take a photography class. Or a cooking class.

87. It takes a while for my hair to dry. When I blow dry it, it takes a long time, and when I wear it up in a clip, still by night time, it’s not dry.

88. I once hit a possum driving home from a bar in college. It ran out in front of the road, and my friends and I screamed, drove back to check on it, and it was gone.

89. I really think Omar Epps from Love and Basketball, Alfie, and House is attractive.

90. I regularly check my horoscope. I don’t know how much truth there is in that stuff, and I know they are made to be pretty general, but I usually end up believing them.

91. I love TLC’s Wedding, Baby, and Dating stories. Oh, and Perfect Proposal. I remember when I used to have the time to watch them in college. I miss that.

92. I prefer Gin to Vodka, Whiskey to (most) Rum, and beer to wine.

93. I get really clammy hands, a lot of the time. Everyone who is close to me knows this. I used to be really embarrassed about it, now I just laugh at it. Sucks, but it’s not going to change.

94. I love surprises and surprising. Surprise notes, visits, packages, letters, all of the like.

95. I will generally let people go who are waiting to pull out of a street, or are trying to merge into traffic. I would want someone to do the same for me.

96. I believe in the Buddhist idea of Karma, and that we reap what we sow.

97. I love fleece. I have a new fleece scarf that I love, multiple fleece jackets, and blankets.

98. I am good at remembering faces, but not names. I hate when this happens.

99. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends, I consider myself so very blessed (is this already on the list? if so, who cares, they deserve all the mention in the world).

100. I have been known to pee my pants from laughing so hard.

Monday, November 13, 2006

6 in 1 day.... fish, the trilogy.

Dear B,
I'm so sorry. I was doing all the right things. Cleaning it when I should, feeding them the right amount, not leaving the light on all day (I learned that the hard way), changing the filter regularly. They were doing so good! All swimming around, playing with the little shot glass I put in there for a cute effect... they seemed happy in their new home. All was good in their new spot.

Unit it wasn't.

Until yesterday. And I swear, if I hadn't missed your call this weekend when you called me, from France (idiot, how could I miss the call?!, I miss YOU), then I would have assured you all was well, given you the update on your favorite fish, Blacky, telling you how they were thriving in their aquatic playground.

And they so were! Until yesterday. That's when it all started I guess. One died. Shit, and you know how I hate the actual scoop out and flush bit. So it was okay, I was okay... one out of the whole crew, and it had been sooo long since any prior casualities! But then today. Oh my God, today. I wake up, and one more is dead! NO! I tell T, and she goes to get it out, and there is ANOTHER dead. That's two so far. I get home from work tonight, go to check on the little guys... two more, gone! Are you freaking kidding me? I change the filter. I feed them, have a little talk with them. They seem okay? I come to do some work on the computer for a couple hours... turn around, and no freaking way, are you serious? Two more.... dead!

B, that's 7, in less than 24 hours! What the hell is going on? We're doing all the right things; what is wrong with them? With my caregiving?! They've been doing so well... and now this?!

I am so sorry.

And I'm sorry I missed your call. I missed your call, and I miss you. How is France? We haven't gotten one of your group email updates in a while. I miss our talks. I miss your singing, our singing, to Oasis or Simon and Garfunkel in your Buick. I miss our lunches and your stories. The smile you always bring to my face. I miss your smile. And as you once said, "I miss the bull shitting"... the sitting on your couch, literally, bull shitting about our days, our qualms, what the hell she's wearing on tv, what to text him back, where to go out for drinks.

I hope you're doing well. I'm sorry about your fishies. Blacky is still okay though, I swear.

Talk to you soon,

Thursday, November 09, 2006

NY bound...

Well, I'm getting ready to leave tomorrow for NY to see my Samantha, and her hubby Chris. She's really the sister I never had. Or should I say the sister I almost had? Our parents dated back in the day.... and... long story short, although they are no longer together, I truly feel like I gained a sister out of the deal, and couldn't be more amused by that.

More to come when I get back.....

PS- Did anyone see the hot scene with Sawyer last night on Lost? Wow.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

on pause.

I cannot, no matter how hard I've tried these past couple of days, think of something really worth writing about. Something that I would be interested in reading in one of my daily blog visits. The more I think about what I could write, the more insignificant anything I might have to say feels. But it's been a week. And I'd like to post more often than once a freakin week! Oh well... I'll come back soon, and I know soon enough I'll think of something. Not yet though... right now I guess I'm just at a blog stand-still.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


It's one thing to be able to anticipate, prepare for, be as ready as you can to see someone that you don't particularly want to, or need to see. It's quite another when they show up unexpected, unannounced, out of the blue. I'm thrown off guard, at a loss for words, or with what words I do find, I'm nervous, noticeably so. For me, I know I need to avoid this confrontation for a multitude of reasons, but one of the biggest is that I know how I get when I see him, or talk to him, or think about him too much. It's a door I wish to keep closed. Maybe one day I can open it up, a spec, but not until I'm totally ready, and that time is not now, and really... perhaps it isn't in any foreseeable future for me, and that's something I'm okay with. It's a door that doesn't need opening, and that's something I've come to learn through first slamming it closed, then creaking it open a little bit, opening it way too wide, closing it again but not locking it, and now, closing it, with no lock, but with a firm feeling of satisfaction in that shutness.

He didn't physically show up at my door. He wasn't there, in person, or through a phone call, an email, or a text. Nothing so concrete as that. So you may wonder... what is the big deal then? You thought of him? You found an old tee shirt? An old note he wrote you? You went somewhere that reminds you of him, of you two? No. Nothing so concrete and real as that.

A dream. That's all it was. A simple, little dream, but yet... so something that I had no control over. I didn't want that, I wasn't ready for that dream. I had no warning. Maybe it wasn't him there in reality, but seeing his face, unannounced at my door, on my couch with me, things with us seemingly normal, light, and fun all in a dream... so real seeming- not prepared. And of course the dream didn't have any of that bad stuff. It, of course, had all of the good things... laughs, sweet gestures, affection, compliments, cuddling, comfort. And more. It had all of that, which at one time was there in this particular relationship with him, but it had extras. Extra good stuff, that was never there, but in the dream it was. Instead of something like, arguments, tears, excuses... things that would serve as reminders, the damn dream had good extras that brought up the what ifs, the second guessing.

I hate these kind of dreams the most. What good are they? An unwanted reminder of what was, what could be? What will never be? And a blow in the face, with a sting that pierces through the next day, or many days, thereafter?

Is it my subconscious trying to tell me something? I'm clearly an overanalyzer, so I will no doubt sit with this one for a while, trying to overinterpret it to death.

It's okay I guess... I mean, it was just a dream. I just wish it weren't so damn real seeming. Why I'm so much a read between the lines type of person that I feel the need to find meaning in this. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's just that I didn't prepare for this, no warning to GET ready for it whatsoever. As ready as I think I am or would be for it, I wasn't, I'm not. I didn't want this dream. Not now (ever?) I'm not ready yet.