Wednesday, January 31, 2007

but you, you're the catalyst

he wrote back. to that email that i wrote last week. maybe two days later, he emailed back. he's sorry, and we're best friends and i've always been there for him. and he'll always be there for me, as a best friend. that he realizes he hasn't done a good job at that role lately, but he'll always be there, as a best friend.

he made that part pretty clear. the friend thing. i got it. repeated twice, i got the point. i wasn't looking for a long lengthy response from him. i just wanted him to hear me. i think he did. i did needed to be reminded, i was doing this for me, to finally, tell him how i felt. this was about me. i needed to stop pretending like things didn't bother me, when they did. that things didn't upset me, that left me bawling into my teddy bear's paw. that i didn't need a quick bathroom therapy session, in the middle of a party.

i think i got that point across to him. in not so many words, it was clear. i had been sending him mixed messages and i took ownership for that. he knows that i wish i'd known things sooner. he knows now that i am upset with the way it went down, but it is what it is, and i view this as my catalyst to begin moving on.

which is what i'm doing. i feel better now at least knowing that he knows how i feel. how it felt, to not hear it from him. how it feels to know that things are different. he knows that i was, that i am, upset, but that what's done is done. he knows that i think everything happens for a reason. and that i don't hate him. and that now i can begin moving on. it's time to do that. it has been coming for a while.

and i guess that's my mini update, in case you were dying to know.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

walking on walking on broken glass

Just the week before, my best friend Drew had gone up on there to hang the weekly events calendar. And Drew wasn't scrawny. He was built; he had a swimmer's body, in very good shape, muscular. He was on the taller side, definitely an athletic build. And no one thought twice about him getting up on the glass display case. I guess it was actually viewed more as a table, for the love of God, I don't know why, but it was. And it was a weekly occurrence. Whoever was on desk duty the day it needed to be changed, would hop up on the glass case, and change the weekly calendar. It was never questioned. Never thought it might not be a good idea.

Until it wasn't. A good idea. Writing this right now, is giving me the feeling. My heart is pounding faster, I'm that girl who chomps her gum neurotically that I hate, and my palms are sweating. Aaron, you owe me one, big time.

It wasn't a big deal. I finished coloring in the smiling, sunglassed sun, scribbled in "open swim" for Friday afternoon, and proceeded to the case to hang up the events calendar. The case, was about waist high, maybe three or four feet long, and housed random swimming paraphernalia- goggles, bathing caps, water bottles, etc. I took off my flip flops, and quickly hopped up on the case. I'm on top of the glass case, kneeling. I had placed the poster sized calendar on the counter next to me, so I had to reach over for it. I shifted my weight, from both knees, to more on my left. I think I just had my left hand on top of the glass, supporting my left side at this point. And all of a sudden, it shattered. I crashed. Through the whole display case.

And blood. All over.

Holy shit. You can imagine the noise this must have made. I honestly don't remember much of this after the falling part. I remember people rushing into the outdoor-like lobby. You can see the pool from the desk in the lobby, and the display case is/was in the corner. So people heard it, and they rushed in. It didn't even hurt. The cut was so deep, (stop reading now if you're skeeved out about blood and things of the like- I don't even know how I'm writing this) you could see the bone. Eww, the bone. At least that's what I've been told. I don't even remember what it looked like at the time. I just remember glass, and blood, everywhere.

I guess I thought it wasn't as bad as it was, because I started to get up, thinking it was just a minor cut. I was wrong. The ambulance showed up, and I remember that one person could ride in the back with me. I was 17 at the time, I think, and I had a good friend who was 16, also a lifeguard there. I wanted her to come with me, but my boss ended up insisting upon it. The boss that was always the biggest bitch and the last person there that day that I wanted in the back with me. And Drew wasn't even there. I wanted him there to hold my hand and tell me it would be okay.

I barely remember the ride there, but I remember getting to the hospital, and waiting. My mother was in a meeting and was unreachable, in Boston for the day. My father was at work, but luckily they got a hold of him. He called my mom, who was taken out of this big conference she was at, and they both came to the hospital. The rest is a little foggy. I had to get reconstructive surgery, because the cut was that bad. It was my muscle and everything- and it wasn't just stitchable. It needed full on surgery to reconstruct... my leg. Eww. To this day, glass really freaks me out. Glass and blood.
And poor Drew. He came into work later in the day for his shift, to find the swim club closed for business. And it was him who had to clean up the the glass, the bloody mess, my blood, that was now in the spot that once was the display cases home.

Wicked sucks. Gross. I have a big scar on my knee, and a small one on my left pinky. I guess it's a "cool" story, but not one I like to talk about too much, mainly because it just skeeves me out. But it is random, and kind of a "no way!" type of thing to bust out if the conversation is dull at a dinner party. Maybe I should have told Mr. Dinner Date that one.

Lesson learned: DO NOT kneel on glass display cases. Not safe.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

blind dinner date

Tonight I'm going on a date. I haven't been on a real, date, date since... well, since maybe May? and it's not even a real, date, date. It's dinner. And it's with two other couples. And it's kind of a blind dinner, of sorts. I met up with an old friend a couple weeks ago for coffee, and just happen to mention that maybe I'm ready to start dating. and to keep any single men in mind. two days later, she called me about Mr. Dinner Date. He is her boyfriend's college roommate. so after a few emails were exchanged back and forth between said friend and I, I found out that Mr. Dinner Date:
1- Is very, very nice
2- He knows how to "treat a girl"
3- He went to an engineering school, he IS an engineer, which means, he's likely intelligent
4- He's very quiet
5- He's "not drop dead gorgeous"
6- He likes to cook

Because I haven't been on a date, date, in way too long, I figure I need to be open minded. I have, absolutely not a thing to lose here. The only thing that has be a spec leery is #4. I just haven't dated a real quiet guy before. Although, she says I'm the type that will be able to open him up. Really? We exchanged pictures. And he's not bad looking. He looks.... well, nice. And plain. And somewhat attractive, and if he's funny (which I hope to God he is, that's a big, big turn on), then I know I'll be that much more attracted to him.

So, it's dinner for 6 of us, at um 6pm, at her house. I'm meeting him there; I'm bringing the wine. And I may just have a glass or two to get ready for this before I go.

Afterall, it's been a while.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

five things you don't know already

I was tagged by Joy for this one.

Post five things about yourself that you have never posted about before.

1. I have a graduate degree in Counseling. A specific type. And I got it by doing a five year program in school, where I took graduate courses my senior year of college, and had one additional year, and viola!- I had my degree with only one additional year of school. Not a bad deal, eh?

2. I once fell through a glass display case when I was working as a lifeguard in 1998. I have a big scar on my knee as a result. I hate this story, totally gives me the creeps.

3. I LOVE elderly people. I have a Certificate in Gerontolgy. I think old people are amazing- even cranky ones. I just love them.

4. I'm a little OCD about checking certain things. ie: my hair straightener to make sure it's off, that I have the right lip gloss in my purse, directions, over and over to make sure I've got them right.

5. I once spent a week in a convent. I know, shocking and really, pretty unbelievable. I was on a week long volunteer/mission type program in college. Two people needed to stay in the convent as our living quarters were slim pickings. My friend and I volunteered and it was one of the most memorable experiences ever. I had a blast.

Brooke and Copasetic Fish you're it!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


That little situation, that I felt "ready" to write about? Well it hasn't really gotten better, or resolved one way or the other. The whole ball that dropped was that I found out that he and his girlfriend are now living together. The catch is, I still, have not, heard this news from him. I've heard it from everyone but him. His sister, his grandparents, his best friends, his mom. I'm not kidding. It's everyone, but it's not him. And that's what gets me the most. That given the relationship/non-relationship we had, it would make sense to me, well, that he tell me. And okay, he's "busy" and he "just got a new car" and he's "helping her move in" and he "hasn't thought about telling me"... but come on? You cannot tell me that he can't be assuming that I haven't heard, by now. It's been, almost three weeks since I heard the news, not from him. Oh, I already mentioned that.

So I figured, my options were simple. Either, keep on keeping on, like this. Being frustrated, kind of angry, hurt, and upset, and say nothing about it to him, while I wait. OR, I could say something. It's that simple. I knew it would have to be over email, because I couldn't do the phone call thing right now, too much. I'm one who tends to believe that there is no use in complaining about something that you are unhappy with, if you aren't making any steps to change the circumstances. So, I think I have had my allowed sad time. Then it was the frustrated period and the kind of ticked off stage. And now, it's the had it stage. So I had to do something. I couldn't complain about something I wasn't going to do anything about, any longer.

And so I emailed him. After lots of thought, back and forths of should I? and is it worth it? I decided I have to, and yes. I couldn't just continue to wait and wait, and say nothing about this, anymore. My intention was to try and be direct and to the point. Not overly friendly, but not bitchy either. Blunt and clear. Finally letting him know that this news is hurtful, yet none the less, if it's what brings him happiness, then for that I am happy.

I guess now it's more of the waiting game. When he'll read it and what he'll say. At least I finally got it out there though. Sucks it didn't come from him to begin with and I needed to drag it out of him. But really, enough is enough.

Is enough.

Monday, January 22, 2007


My ipod? Was missing today. Yeah, shit. And I've lost my wallet before, and had to do all that retracing my steps bit, racking my brain for what I did, where I could have put it down, dropped it, or forgotten it. I am unfortunately, all too familiar with that story. It happens to me, with lots of things.... like, my camera's battery charger. I swear, I lose that thing after every time I charge it back up. Or it's my phone charger when I'm about to go away for a weekend. A disk with something important on it, like my updated resume that I need to print. It's my pill, or my contact case. Things I bring with me on overnight excursions, and usually neurotically check to make sure are all packed back up, safe and sound, but then? I can't find them. You would think, that by now, I'd have a "safe place" for all these things, right? No, wrong. Because no place can really be safe, when you consider everywhere safe. My problem is, I have too many special safe spots. I'm constantly putting things neatly into corners of my room, bottom desk drawers, under my bed. So when I lose something, I look around, everywhere, and I can't remember which safe place x or y is this time. And when I lose something like this, I become grouchy and irritable. I frustrate easily, I can be bitchy. I'm skrinkering around everywhere, looking here and there and who the f knows where, and I'm not coming up with what I need. I'm looking in places that should never have been deemed safe to begin with: the victorias secret bag at the end of my bed, my backpack that I haven't used in 6 months. I become a nut when I can't find something that I want, or need.

Right, so today, when I realized it was my beloved ipod as the item of the day, I was really, really going wild. My sweet little ipod. Gabes. (I got this ipod over a year ago. My friend told me I could get it engraved with my name, so I flip it over, and oops- already had a name. Gabes. My father, who bought it for me as a gift, hadn't been told by ebay that my ipod had apparently been previously owned. By Gabes.) I use my Gabes allthetime. At the gym in the morning, in my room getting ready for work, sometimes in my car, in the office- all day long, to fall asleep, and wake up to. I need my Gaves. So finding out, when I got to work today that Gabes wasn't with me? Wicked sucked. I was scared. Freaking. I just could not focus. My only source of music then, was random pickings of cds from the 90's disc gear I keep in my office. We're talking... Natalie Merchant, Craig David , the Cranberries. Clearly, you see the problem here.
Until, I found out, thanks to T who checked for me when she got home, that Gabes was happily sitting on my bed, just waiting my arrival. And this is how it goes. These things, I lose them, time and time again, and always, I swear, they will turn up right in front of my freakin nose. Isn't that always the way?

I'm going to light a candle, get a good book, and ask Gabes for some background Joshua Radin.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

the one I think I'm ready to write

***I have a few reservations about posting this. But I think it's time. And, after all the encouragement I got to my other day's acting up nerves, I say- fuck it, I'm ready for this.***

Even before I found out the news last week, I knew I needed to begin to create some distance. I didn't really want to do it, not talk as much, email as much, create that change in our relationship. But this has been going on for years. Years. This friendship, that we both know, is more than just "a friendship." There's always been a reason. You were involved with someone else, I was dating someone, I was getting over a bad relationship, you were getting over your serious thing with her. You live across the country. We see each other maybe five times a year. Always something, something that kept us apart. That never gave us the real opportunity to give the us that we had in mind a try. At least not a try beyond the constant time we'd spend together when we were both in the same city. And it was that time that we spent together, that I've been hanging on to, for years. Years.

Throughout the years, I've had other relationships, we both have. I have always put you on a pedestal. It felt good having you there. Comparing every single guy I meet, to you. No one really measured up. I have had this idealistic picture of you, or us, in my mind. For years. It wasn't the relationship that you and I once had or anything, that I was comparing to. We never have had a real anything other than this thing. It has been the idea in my head. Of what you could be to me, what we could be to each other, what we could be together, . But I never really knew. And I have based years, on the idea of what could be, an unknown potential.

And I know, as well as you, our friends, and our families, that it isn't just me that's doing this based on nothing. It's your way with me. It's our way together. The way you also compare other girls to me. The way we are when we're together, how carefree it is, how much fun we have, the chemistry we share. I began to wonder though, is what I've been hanging on to, more the idea of what could be, based actually on nothing really concrete, rather than any hard core evidence? Who's to say we would even be a right thing together? I have thought we could be good together, I have hoped we could be good together. I've prayed it and cried for it. Literally dreamt of it, wrote about it, therapied about it. But neither of us never really know. The what if thing? It can be fun, but after a while? It's no longer a game.

That was all okay, for so long, it was just what worked. What came naturally for the two of us. I look back now, and I realize, we were in a non-relationship relationship. I don't even know what we were. But it was all okay. It was fine, it worked. Until it wasn't. Until it didn't anymore. It doesn't now.

You are with someone new. Your first serious relationship. And I knew this, over the past couple of months. I knew because you did the comparison thing again. I felt sad because I felt I was getting mixed messages, but I was sending them too. I wasn't okay with hearing all about it. It wasn't easy to just go along and seem all okay with things. I was never completely okay with it, but what was my other choice? I think you've known all along how I feel about you. I have never been ambiguous about that. Everyone knew. It's out there. It just is. It radiates when we're together. It hasn't gone unnoticed. It's impossible.

So things have changed. Even before I found out the seriousness of you and her relationship, I knew I needed to make a shift. Some distance. Less refreshing my inbox for an email, less time spent thinking about a phone call here and very seldom there. More time focusing on me, and moving on. Because the way it is, the way it had been, for so many reasons it felt so very right. But it has had a hold of me for so long, I didn't think I would know myself without it. I think I was scared to actually make the break from it.

The change, the shift in our relationship, well it was something I was going to do no matter what. The time came, that I just needed to do it. I felt so torn, sad to do it, but happy about the possibility of letting the burden go a little. Finding out that you and her are even more serious than you had let on, hearing that from other people and not yet from you, well that was the push I needed. As hard as it was, and as upset and devastated that I was about it all, it was what needed to happen. Unfortunately it's a forced distance, but it's there none the less, and it's needed to happen.

I will never regret the strong hold this has all had on me. I think you are a wonderful, extraordinary person with amazing qualities, and I know that you will make someone very happy. I want you to be happy. You mean so much to me. For now, I need to make myself happy. Happy with myself. It's time. Things change, relationships change, people move on, they move forward, and sometimes backwards, and they grow. I will never for a minute, regret any of this, of all of that, of our time and our non-relationship relationship or whatever it had been. It, you, will always hold a special place in my heart. The shift now will be interesting to see pan out. How we will go from what we were to something different. We've always been us as we know, as our friends and family know. I'm not saying I'm not a little nervous. But it feels... well, it feels different than I thought it would. I feel okay. I'm more okay than I thought I'd be. I know that things change, and that change isn't a bad thing. And for us, it was time. I'm ready, for the love of sweet baby J, I'm ready.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


After writing yesterday's post, at such an appropriate time, I came across Stephanie Klein's most recent blog. I have been reading her blog for months now. Once I found her blog, I found her book. It's one of my favorites. I admire Stephanie for her candor and her honesty. For strong attitude, for her strength, her humor, her humility. For not being afraid to say "fuck it," and tell it like it is. She's honest and she's real. She's an inspiration for me, and her words today really found me at the right time.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

time and practice

Clearly, my last couple of posts haven't been all too upbeat. They've been downright... downers. Last week, I was wallowing in the throws of it all, feeling bad about the current situation I was in, what had happened, how it had all went down, and I just didn't have anything all too good, or positive to write about.

It's times when I write about that stuff that I wonder, how much anonymity should I have on here? I could have very well not been so vague about what was going on. Could have said what happened, why I was upset. On this blog, I have never really said my first name, although others have, in reply to some of my posts. I haven't said where I live, where I grew up, anything much about the siblings I don't have, or the job I'm not too thrilled with. There hasn't been anything really specific so that if you were a semi acquaintance, you'd think this was me. And sometimes I wonder, whether I should talk more about that stuff, more of the meat, less of the fluff. I wonder really, what would be the big deal if people did recognize me from here? There's nothing I'm really hiding. But sometimes, I think, I wouldn't want T to see THIS POST, or C to see THIS. But why? What's the big deal? So some of this is probably news to them, but what's the biggie? And aren't I just being honest, and isn't honesty the best thing? Hmm... I wonder. How much is too much? How much isn't really enough? (When) will people, will I, become bored with my writing, and look at it more as just observations and sometimes random thoughts of a regular girl, some laughs and some tears, but feel that all this, is lacking in depth?

Maybe it's still just a lot of the newness of it. Still getting my feet wet with all if this. I started this blog as a way to work on my writing. To have a log to look back on, to see where I've been, how far I've come, and what I've learned along the way. To meet new people. To learn about myself. So really, (and I know this, I just need to be reminded of it), I know that I owe no one an explanation, no justification for this or that. That this thing, it is what it is. I'd say it's a pretty accurate reflection of what's going on for me at the time, my mood and emotions, my feelings and observations. Perhaps it's all more me, just needing to be more confident, with all of this.
And in time, I hope I get there. The more practice, the better I will feel about it all, I suppose.


Friday, January 12, 2007

i don't know

My body is aching today. I usually say I like this kind of ache, because I know it's the good kind, where I worked it hard at the gym and therefore, good results should come of this. But today, I feel pissed off that my body is sore. My heart is aching, and I don't want any additional soreness, on top of that. I'm whining, complaining, and not thinking about any positives. That's not really like me, and then that makes me feel bad. It's Friday, and I've been looking forward to the end of the week, well, all week. I get a long weekend and I've been craving that for the past five days. But I have a feeling of indifferance tooday. I don't know what I want. I'm a little hungry, but I don't want anything in the cabinets. I am tired but I can't sleep. I think I want to listen to music, but then I end up turning it down low in the car, because it's too much noise. I go back and forth between sad songs, hard, angry songs, rock, and rap. I don't want any of it. I want to talk on the phone to my friends, but I end up starting to call and then hanging up. I think I want a glass of orange juice, but I take a sip and dump the rest. I don't like to complain, and be all woe is me. Things could be worse. I usually have the ability to look at the glass as half full, on the bright side of things. But I don't even want to do that right now. I wish I was back in bed.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007


Once I was a good twenty minutes into it, I couldn't distinguish what it was that I was crying about. I mean, I knew what I was upset about, but the tears only really started, after I had so carelessly slammed the top of my head on my dresser as I was putting some clothes away.

Funny how all it takes is something really little to get you going, when you know a good meltdown is on it's way.

It's my mom's voice too. Of course it's also seeing her in person, coming at me to wrap her arms around me when she knows I'm upset, but it's even just her voice. Hearing her voice on the phone, after a bad day, if I've been holding it all inside, that will do it. I will inevitably, lose it. And I'll pretend it's not happening. That the water is boiling, that I have another call, that I just have a tickle in my throat, no I'm not crying, I'm fine. I won't let her hear the actual quiver in my voice. It's not that I'm ashamed of it, or as if I won't tell her when we talk today. It's just that the more I hear her voice, the harder it will get for me to hold back the tears that are on their way. Hard to keep it under wraps.

Not that I have to keep it under wraps. But I was trying to. At least for an hour or two. I held it back when I found out, when S told me. Because then, that wasn't the time or place. I was in the car, it was raining, I needed to focus. No crying. I came home, tried to just do my thing, to avoid thinking about it. I couldn't help it; I did think about it, a lot. At that point though, I didn't feel like crying; I had no tears ready. I was numb. I was feeling hurt, angry, humiliated, and frustrated. I had a zillion emotions, running, crazy wild through my mind. But I remember feeling surprised that I wasn't crying then. It just wasn't happening.

Until I slammed my head. And fuck, that really, really hurt. I slammed my head as I was getting up, on the corner of my bureau, and for the love of Jesus God, it killed. T heard me yell. She asked if I was okay; I said yes. It's her voice too. It started. Her asking me, her caring voice, my pounding head and my aching heart, it all started, then and there.

It's a simple thing like that, and it will do it. And it had me, curled in a ball on my bed, using my teddy bear's paw to wipe my eyes. The tears just kept coming. Part of it I had done to myself. My head really ached. The other part, was beyond my control at that moment in time. It wasn't something I could have been less careless about, so as not to have my heart be aching right then, like my head was, it just happened. It has been a bit of a long time coming, and I knew that when it did, it might not be pretty.

It is a combination of physical and emotional pain. My head still hurts today, and so does my heart. I prefer the first hurt, the kind I can actually put my hands on, that will soon subside, to the intangible hurt, that's deep within, that's so very hard to mend.

Friday, January 05, 2007

the only thing that stays the same is change

I have a tendency of looking at moments in time, by comparing them to what I was doing, around that time the previous year. Or sometimes it's the previous week, but mostly, it's a reflection of what once was, a year ago in time.

One year ago today, I was living in a different place, with three other people, my best friends. Now, we have since moved apart; we still remain close, now only two of us co-habitate together. Instead of splitting bills and groceries among four of us, we now do for two. Instead of having three best friends at the distance of a hallway, it's now by distance of a phone call, a T ride, or a 3 hour drive. That living situation is one of the happiest memories in my heart. It's not "better" now that we're not all together; every day I miss it. It's different, but a lot of good has come of it too.

Last year at this time I was not single. I was in a relationship that was more serious than it should have been for the time we had been together. I was so involved, so emotionally invested, that I was using my energy on keeping a not so good thing going, because it seemed the right thing to do, rather than using my strength to begin to walk away. Saying goodbye was the right thing to do.

I'm pretty sure this time last year I had more money. Now rent is more, and I have more bills. The overdraft protection currently, although not present last year, is so worth the new things I have gained- which are not just limited to material possessions. So I am more than okay with this.

Last year I lacked the introspection that I have since gained. Today I know myself better than I ever have. I have learned new things about myself through the experiences, relationships, dramas and upsets, successes and disappointments, and change, over the past year.

I used to not like change. It made me feel nervous, and uncomfortable and anxious. Now I've learned, that with change, comes opportunity and growth. Now I don't so much fear it as I do look forward to it, and try to embrace it as much as possible when it happens. I learned to do this because I found I was finally ready to let myself be more open to it. I realized, that I had no other choice. You can resist change all you want, but it isn't going to just go away. I once read a quote: "the only thing that stays the same is change." This has stuck with me. Only I didn't really get it until fairly recently.

By saying goodbye to an unhealthy relationship, moving, experiencing new things, being more independent, being okay with being alone, I have been okay, and happy, with change. I still find it to sometimes be a bit overwhelming, and yeah, even scary at times. I now though, have the past year behind me which has shown me that change, it can be a really, really good thing. If only we are open to letting that change happen.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

have me

say those words, like that, so sweetly

laugh out loud, like that

be goofy and silly with me, like we do

compliment me, like that, talking about my hair when it's, like that

put your hand on the table, pass me your drink, like that

and look at me, really look at me that way, where i feel like you really get me, like that

write to me, about this and our memories, and what we've done and how you like that

compare, like i do, and say that no one is the same, like that

lie in my arms and seek comfort, you know i will hold you there, like that

and put me in a situation, like this

and just like that, like this, you have me

you always have

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

back to reality

It's time to get back to reality. I've been on a week-long binge of food, alcohol, best friends, lack of sleep, and fun. I can't believe it's all come to an end. And it's back to the grind- 5:30am it will be for the gym, three square meals a day instead of junk, water and milk, fruit and veggies, low key nights, Grey's Anatomy, emails and phonecalls instead of hugs and photo opportunities. Back to early bed times, early mornings, stressful days, statistics at work, walking at lunch, missing people, errands and grocery shopping. Laundry again, homecooked meals instead of restaurants, putting away christmas presents, taking down the tree, all back to normal. It's all over. Now, it's all just a wonderful memory.

Happy 2007. I hope the year brings everyone much love, happiness, and many, many wonderful memories to come.