Wednesday, November 01, 2006


It's one thing to be able to anticipate, prepare for, be as ready as you can to see someone that you don't particularly want to, or need to see. It's quite another when they show up unexpected, unannounced, out of the blue. I'm thrown off guard, at a loss for words, or with what words I do find, I'm nervous, noticeably so. For me, I know I need to avoid this confrontation for a multitude of reasons, but one of the biggest is that I know how I get when I see him, or talk to him, or think about him too much. It's a door I wish to keep closed. Maybe one day I can open it up, a spec, but not until I'm totally ready, and that time is not now, and really... perhaps it isn't in any foreseeable future for me, and that's something I'm okay with. It's a door that doesn't need opening, and that's something I've come to learn through first slamming it closed, then creaking it open a little bit, opening it way too wide, closing it again but not locking it, and now, closing it, with no lock, but with a firm feeling of satisfaction in that shutness.

He didn't physically show up at my door. He wasn't there, in person, or through a phone call, an email, or a text. Nothing so concrete as that. So you may wonder... what is the big deal then? You thought of him? You found an old tee shirt? An old note he wrote you? You went somewhere that reminds you of him, of you two? No. Nothing so concrete and real as that.

A dream. That's all it was. A simple, little dream, but yet... so something that I had no control over. I didn't want that, I wasn't ready for that dream. I had no warning. Maybe it wasn't him there in reality, but seeing his face, unannounced at my door, on my couch with me, things with us seemingly normal, light, and fun all in a dream... so real seeming- not prepared. And of course the dream didn't have any of that bad stuff. It, of course, had all of the good things... laughs, sweet gestures, affection, compliments, cuddling, comfort. And more. It had all of that, which at one time was there in this particular relationship with him, but it had extras. Extra good stuff, that was never there, but in the dream it was. Instead of something like, arguments, tears, excuses... things that would serve as reminders, the damn dream had good extras that brought up the what ifs, the second guessing.

I hate these kind of dreams the most. What good are they? An unwanted reminder of what was, what could be? What will never be? And a blow in the face, with a sting that pierces through the next day, or many days, thereafter?

Is it my subconscious trying to tell me something? I'm clearly an overanalyzer, so I will no doubt sit with this one for a while, trying to overinterpret it to death.

It's okay I guess... I mean, it was just a dream. I just wish it weren't so damn real seeming. Why I'm so much a read between the lines type of person that I feel the need to find meaning in this. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's just that I didn't prepare for this, no warning to GET ready for it whatsoever. As ready as I think I am or would be for it, I wasn't, I'm not. I didn't want this dream. Not now (ever?) I'm not ready yet.


jeorg said...

it is a dream. maybe your mind is trying to figure out what you wanted from the relationship and didn't get and trying to help you lock the door. maybe, just maybe, your mind is helping you open a new door, somewhere else.

Katie said...

i'm glad you wrote this. i've been having a LOT of these blast-from-the-past dreams recently. :) Good to know it's not just me.