places, and drinks

I want to be sitting by the ocean right now, with my ipod on, with my feet in the sand, the sun blazing down on me, with a frozen drink in my hand.
Or I want to be in a cabin, in the middle of the mountains, with a cozy fire going, a big wool sweater on, and a hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps in my hand.
I also wouldn't mind being on Lake Tahoe, on a boat, going around the lake, with the wind breezing through my long hair, music playing, with a coors light in my hand.
Maybe on a frozen pond, wearing mittens, holding hands with someone, laughing because we aren't the best skaters but we're having a blast, sipping a tazo chai.
I'd like to be at a black tie party, in a sexy black dress, with my hair up, the perfect accessories and shoes, a new perfume, and a martini in my hand.
I wish I were babysitting the kids I used to years ago, going outside with them, building a snowman, coming inside and baking homemade cookies, with a tall glass of milk in my hand.
I'd like to be in front of the tv, watching Grey's Anatomy, with my best friends, under a blanket, in comfy clothes, with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'd like to be in bed, under high thread count sheets, with a good man, with playful laughter and longing glances, hair sweeping gestures and morning breath, and two cups of french vanilla coffee.
I'd like to be celebrating the new year, with those that mean the most to me, with new years paraphernalia, steamers, sparkles, and a glass of champagne in my hand.
I'd be happy to be at the mall, shopping at Crate and Barrel, and Express, with no lines, and sales, sipping an Orange Julius.
I'd like to be somewhere far away from here, where I've never been, exploring new things, and new people, with a drink I've never had in my life in my hand.

35 years from now

At first I thought the goosebumps were from the window that I had cracked open while I was drying my hair this morning getting ready for holiday festivities. But as I heard Merideth Viera telling the story of this precious group of ladies and their annual holiday tradition, I realized it was actually the tv segment, that was giving me the chills.

The Today Show this Christmas morning, featured a group of 6 or 7 ladies, and their holiday tradition. For 35 years these women have gotten together, just the girls every year during Christmastime, to celebrate their friendship and the meaning of the season. As they showed them all, laughing, drinking, crying together, I found myself with tears in my own eyes. These women have been the very best of friends for over 35 years- they have been through everything together. Marriages. Children. Cancer. Divorce. Triumphs. Disappointments. Everything that best friends go through together, they have been there on the journey together for the past three plus DECADES.

And as I was watching it, I couldn't help but think- wow. The best part of the whole segment, besides seeing these precious little ladies laugh, celebrate, and be merry together... was the thought that this will be us in 35 years.

Saturday night, the night before Christmas Eve, I got together with 5 of my best friends for our annual tradition. Quite similar to these ladies, although probably more in the way of the pomegranate martini consumption, we celebrated our Christmas together, as we have for the past 6 years. My heart has been overflowing with emotion since Saturday. These girls are my angels. My heart. They are my home and they mean the absolute world to me. Seeing this special this morning on tv has left me smiling since, knowing, for certain, that this will be us in 35 years.

I feel very lucky this holiday season to be surrounded by amazing friends and family. To those that I love that are far away (B, S, Dad), I hope that you are enjoying the holiday surrounded by friends and family. To everyone else, I wish you all a happy season, spent with those that mean the most to you.

availability in all shapes and forms

"Do you think that you are attracted to unavailable men?" she asked me. "Well no. It just so happens that two of the people that are on my mind right now, happen to be unavailable." I am not drawn to them for that reason. As a criteria. Looking for unavailable people. "Yes, but when one was available you didn't want to be with him, and you have never given the other situation a chance." I didn't know what her point was. I didn't get it; I wasn't sure where she was going with this. I began to think of a really big glass of wine, and chocolate. I had cramps. Perhaps this conversation wasn't going to really go anywhere.

"I don't mean this to be mean," she said, "but you are the only person I know, your age, that doesn't want to pull their hair out when it comes to dating." I said nothing, just stared at her. Was she going to say something else? Was it my turn? Did she want my reaction to that? I had nothing. "Most people your age are all caught up in meeting the next man, the perfect man, being in a relationship. You just seem to be so at ease about it all, like it's not even much of a priority." Well, it's NOT a priority. By any means. I have always felt that when the time is right, things happen. That there is a reason behind everything and right now, I'm single for a reason. I'm usually pretty fine with it.

I do often find myself missing good parts of relationships past, but I also find that I'm totally caught up in the good parts of being single. Not having anyone to check in with, doing my own thing, when I want to do it. Less money spent around the holiday season. Time to take creative classes like cooking and "change your inner talk change your world" (I took it, it works... I need to review the notes though, toxic voices are somewhat loud lately). Things like that, about being single, that I'm enjoying and wholeheartedly delving into. Sure I would like a cute man companion to be on board with me, but I'm not feeling incomplete because I don't have it. It's just... it's not a priority, she was right.

Okay, so there do happen to be people on my mind that are unavailable. Physically. And emotionally. Okay, and geographically. Etc. Etc. Blah blah blah.

I've learned, that it's better to be single, and attracted to someone unavailable, than in a relationship with someone who is unavailable. I've learned, that there is a difference between someone who is available physically for a relationship, and being emotionally available to be in one. I've learned, that you can even be in a relationship, with someone who appears to be by all definitions, "available," but turns out that ends up being so far from the truth it's scary. Being with someone who isn't emotionally available, to love you the way you need to be loved, to make you feel secure and comforted in the relationship, to make you happy, well that experience is just awful. It's painful. And sad.

So, I've learned, there's many ways to be involved with an unavailable person. Sometimes you don't even know it's happening, until you're in the thick of it, and it's too late. No warning. No sign that they are going to be emotionally not available for you. Sometimes it's hard to see that distinction, when it's not a physical availability we're talking about, rather an emotional one.

What I haven't learned, is how, or why I guess, I have been involved in these type of situations, and how to kind of... avoid them? But then again not all of them have even turned out bad. They all really have been experiences from which I've grown. They've happened, and sometimes it's sucked, but they all have taught me something or another.

"What are you thinking right now?" she asked.
"I don't know."
I don't always know what to say when she asks me these questions, these things that I sometimes think are randomly out of the blue. But at least it gets me thinking.

I'm a Carrie

I happen to be one of THE biggest fans of Sex and the City ever. I was so into the series when it was on, so into all of the characters and their lives and who each of them would be out of my friends. When I lived with D, T, and M, we would go out and say we were the girls from the show. We'd try and think of who was who. I've always been a Carrie. I have a Mr. Big. I loved every single episode of the show and watch the dvd's I own frequently, now with the commentary to hear more about the writing behind the characters and what went into it all.

And this past weekend, I had the most amazing Sex and the City experience ever! It was a 3 hour bus ride where I was in my absolute glory. I loved every moment of it. I just had to come here and write about this wonderfully amazing tour.

The ride started right outside Central Park. We got on the bus and the tour guide (Stephanie), had us look out the bus to our right, to where Carrie had said goodbye to Big before he went into his engagement party with Natasha. This is also where the scene was filmed where Miranda was in charge of the guest book at her friends wedding, and Charlotte wore that amazing bridesmaid's dress and slept with the best man during the reception. Also where, at the last scene of season six, Carrie walks down the street and gets the phone call from "John."

After each spot we saw, we were able to watch the scene on the little screens in the bus. So cool. The next stop was to that little random sex shop where Charlotte was introduced to the "rabbit." I loved that episode. We got to go into that location, into the sex store, where we got 15 minutes to shop around. From there we went by the church where Samantha met one of the only guys that she wasn't able to get- Friar Fuck. Remember him? He was that good looking priest that Samantha was into, and started to go to church for. From there we went to the Magnolia Bakery where Carrie and Miranda have eaten cupcakes outside of before. We all got a yummy freebie cupcake, and from there....oh my god... we went to Carrie's front steps. This was my favorite part of the whole tour.

Some other stops included that cool bar that Aiden and Steve owned where we all had a cosmo, the place where Carrie and the girls were trying all the different perfumes and she announced to them that she was "taking a lovah," Charlotte's art gallery, Samantha's apartment, and sooo many more.

There were tons of other stops, many little tidbits we learned, scenes we got to view, behind the scene info given to us. And I loved every minute of the whole thing. I'm such a SATC addict that I could go on and on and on about it all, because it was really, that good. So good. I just had to say something about it, because it's something I'm going to always remember. Man I miss that show.

I need to stop this

I'm an idiot. I do this every time. I can't complain, because I do it to myself. I put my damn self into this situation, and then I whine about it. I whine, and I cry, because I don't know what to do with myself after it happens. I could prevent it though. Why don't I? Why not avoid the calls, the freaking looking for you here, or there? Why do would I do that?? Why do I do this? I am such a stupid shit for this, and have no right to whine about it because it's preventable. It's something I have control over. I have been told, before, that in life, there are some things that you just have no control over. I have control over this. Worry about things which you have control over. I have control over me whining about feeling like THIS.

Alone. Lonely. Without YOU. And it's not even the YOU that I'm missing it's the THING that we had. The relationship and the GOOD of it. None of the bad. And when this happens? I think of the good, not the bad. Why is it just the good I think of? How is that fair? Why would my mind do that to me, filter out the bad? As a defense mechanism type thing? F that. I need the bad. I NEED the bad. To remind me. To remember. To confirm. To assure me that I did make the decision based on the bad. The bad outweighed the good. The bad outweighed the good. (repition will make me believe)...

At times like these, shit, the good is all over the place. Why? Why can't the bad the here, all of the time? Must the good be in my face all the time? It doesn't help. It doesn't help for us to talk, for me to initiate, to call, to send this or that and pretend. It's pretending. That's what it is. I think I'm ready for it; I over and over convince myself that now, I am ready. That you've moved on so I should be too. And I have. In so many ways. But here it is, one year later and so much has changed...
Yet....
God.

I'll pick 5:30AM instead

Tonight I have been reminded why I have always hated going to the gym at night.

For one, it's freaking crowded. So crowded. The elliptical I usually choose upstairs? Taken. The stretching area/room with the balls? A zoo. All I wanted was to get a quick workout in, and I really did know damn well I was taking a chance by going at 7pm, but I haven't worked out in too long, I didn't get there this morning, and I figured I'd give it a go. I thought it would be fine. I was wrong.

And you know who they are. Those damn guys with the polyester Adidas pants 5 sizes too big. With the ripped, muscle shirt on, and his ipod either strapped or clipped on somewhere. He's that guy. There's a good chance he's wearing too much cologne, or else he looks like he hasn't showered or shaved in days, you take your pick. And he looks like he's in a frat. The one who struts around, does his reps on the machine, then doesn't wipe it off. He thinks he's the best looking thing there, and when I try to squint to see the latest on Nicole Richie's arrest, he thinks I'm looking at him. Yeah, ew.

Those guys are everywhere in the evenings. They're there, and so are the cutesy chicks who dress up for the gym in order to impress these guys. And it's crowded and it's annoying and instead of it being a good stress reliever, going to the gym with this scenery at hand really leaves me feeling... yeah, annoyed.

And to top it off? I dropped an f-ing 15 pound weight on my toe. Yeah, shit.

I love the gym in the morning. It's quiet, calm, and clean. The people there are similar to myself. Also some moms, perhaps even some good looking men who aren't still in college, who didn't drink a 30 rack last night. They actually have to go to work today. It's nice there in the morning, and I feel all happy and good about the morning gym experience. Screw this night stuff.

Now, when my alarm goes off at 5:30am, I will no longer think to myself, "I'll just go tonight." No, no freaking way. I will remember tonight, and every other night I've attempted the nighttime gym experience and I will damn straight pick an early morning over this any day.

Jury Duty

Jury Duty. Some people dread it. Me, I've only had to go one other time before the today and I actually look forward to it. I wish it was every year, let alone having to wait three. I guess I'm just fascinated by it. Or the men in uniform. Any chance to get a paid day out of work, and oogle men in uniform (with handcuffs) to boot, I'm down. There's something about a courthouse that intrigues me.... maybe it's how "offical" it appears. How strict it all is in there, and how you know you won't get away with anything even if you tried. (Being told several times that we could "not go in the no access/employee only rooms"- no shit, right? - got a little annoying)

Maybe to some, going for jury duty is intimidating or something. Going through a security check point every time you enter and re-enter the building. Hey, I have nothing to hide. The only things in my bag today include: two pens, a notebook, my cell phone (which is turned on silent now- thank you very much Mr. Uniformed Officer), a half eaten granola bar, my wallet with $3 dollars (when is pay day?), a chick lit book that I keep having to re-read because I've been so ADD lately, my ipod, and three lipglosses (yes, I'm an addict). Nothing in here I'd be embarassed to be sifted through. I'm in no way embarassed of the fact that I'm reading a book called "The Grrl Genius Guide to Great Sex."

So I bust my butt to get here early today (7:40am) to get a parking spot for my 8:00 scheduled report-in-or-else time. Now I'm outside on a random bench, admiring the huge, "intimidating" structure that is the courthouse, because Mr. Uniformed Officer with Handcuffs said "you can have a break, we shoot for 8:30." Oh really? Because if I knew they shot for that time I could have hit snooze another three times.

***Sidenote about the snooze button- I seldom use it. I'm one of those people who believe that it's better to get a longer, uninterrupted sleep than waking up early, and pressing snooze continuously... over... and over. Today was different because even though I thought I'd be able to get up right on the first blast of music to my alarm, my body said otherwise and I in fact had to succoumb to the snooze button. Just this once.***

Anyway, I downed my iced coffee in a matter of 10 minutes (mind you, I'm one of those people who keeps these things going until lunch time) because "refreshments aren't allowed in the courtroom." I get in there, make myself comfortable, early mind you- all of that, only to be sent outide to do some more waiting, at the beginning of a norotious waiting-around-kind-of-day.
Oh well... and so it is- jury duty.
And that's all fine and so very much worth it, because I'm learning about Great Sex.

forever always seems to be around when things begin

There are days, times, moments, when I get totally into lyrics. Consumed with googling them, rewinding them, playing songs on repeat to hear them, memorizing them. Yeah, I'd say its almost an obsession. I try to find songs that fit my particular mood that day or what I'm thinking or feeling at the time. Almost always I can depend on Damien Rice or Joshua Radin to do the trick. Lately it's been Ray Lamontagne, Imogen Heap, Rachel Yamagata, or Kate Havnevik. Often it could be Norah Jones, Coldplay, Dido, or Snow Patrol. Recently Ryan Adams and Cary Brothers and Joe Purdy. Used to be more John Mayer and Ben Harper... sometimes it still is. It's just funny how some songs, some lyrics, totally sink in and I find myself remembering them, literally, years later. I remember during my freshmen year of college, replaying Ben Harper's Forever... over and over. I remember how I felt at the time when I was listening to it; I remember the room I was in when I heard it, how I felt when I saw him in concert playing it that year. And now, all that, those memories, they all rush back when I hear it on my ipod on or the radio, today, years later. Those lyrics, that feeling I got then, I still remember it so clearly, today, still.
Interesting how certain lyrics and songs can bring us back to certain times, memories, relationships, places, etc. Just random, Just interesting.

someday

I'm not really ready
to be all okay with this

I can pretend though
that when you say that, like that
that I'm happy
that it doesn't bother me

I can pretend
that I don't see that
hear that
that I don't really feel like this

the truth is
I'm not really ready
to be all okay with this

I can pretend that this may not in fact, really be real
that it's not serious
even if it is

I can pretend that I'm content with what's missing
what was once there but now is not
because perhaps this is the way it needs to be

and, I can tell myself over and over
that this is what's right, at least for now
the way it should be

but right now
im not really ready
to be all okay with this