Friday, December 22, 2006

availability in all shapes and forms

"Do you think that you are attracted to unavailable men?" she asked me. "Well no. It just so happens that two of the people that are on my mind right now, happen to be unavailable." I am not drawn to them for that reason. As a criteria. Looking for unavailable people. "Yes, but when one was available you didn't want to be with him, and you have never given the other situation a chance." I didn't know what her point was. I didn't get it; I wasn't sure where she was going with this. I began to think of a really big glass of wine, and chocolate. I had cramps. Perhaps this conversation wasn't going to really go anywhere.

"I don't mean this to be mean," she said, "but you are the only person I know, your age, that doesn't want to pull their hair out when it comes to dating." I said nothing, just stared at her. Was she going to say something else? Was it my turn? Did she want my reaction to that? I had nothing. "Most people your age are all caught up in meeting the next man, the perfect man, being in a relationship. You just seem to be so at ease about it all, like it's not even much of a priority." Well, it's NOT a priority. By any means. I have always felt that when the time is right, things happen. That there is a reason behind everything and right now, I'm single for a reason. I'm usually pretty fine with it.

I do often find myself missing good parts of relationships past, but I also find that I'm totally caught up in the good parts of being single. Not having anyone to check in with, doing my own thing, when I want to do it. Less money spent around the holiday season. Time to take creative classes like cooking and "change your inner talk change your world" (I took it, it works... I need to review the notes though, toxic voices are somewhat loud lately). Things like that, about being single, that I'm enjoying and wholeheartedly delving into. Sure I would like a cute man companion to be on board with me, but I'm not feeling incomplete because I don't have it. It's just... it's not a priority, she was right.

Okay, so there do happen to be people on my mind that are unavailable. Physically. And emotionally. Okay, and geographically. Etc. Etc. Blah blah blah.

I've learned, that it's better to be single, and attracted to someone unavailable, than in a relationship with someone who is unavailable. I've learned, that there is a difference between someone who is available physically for a relationship, and being emotionally available to be in one. I've learned, that you can even be in a relationship, with someone who appears to be by all definitions, "available," but turns out that ends up being so far from the truth it's scary. Being with someone who isn't emotionally available, to love you the way you need to be loved, to make you feel secure and comforted in the relationship, to make you happy, well that experience is just awful. It's painful. And sad.

So, I've learned, there's many ways to be involved with an unavailable person. Sometimes you don't even know it's happening, until you're in the thick of it, and it's too late. No warning. No sign that they are going to be emotionally not available for you. Sometimes it's hard to see that distinction, when it's not a physical availability we're talking about, rather an emotional one.

What I haven't learned, is how, or why I guess, I have been involved in these type of situations, and how to kind of... avoid them? But then again not all of them have even turned out bad. They all really have been experiences from which I've grown. They've happened, and sometimes it's sucked, but they all have taught me something or another.

"What are you thinking right now?" she asked.
"I don't know."
I don't always know what to say when she asks me these questions, these things that I sometimes think are randomly out of the blue. But at least it gets me thinking.


brooke alexandra said...

At least you knw you have learned from thses experiences and that they have shaped you into the person you are today, which is an amazing person. Don't get so down on yourself.

Ally said...

I agree that it's better to be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person. And like you, I've learned a lot from my experiences, although I'd be happy to never be in another relationship with the wrong person. It's painful and exhausting. I've tried drawing conclusions and rules from each of my experiences so I can avoid making mistakes in the future, but I don't think that's the answer either. Like you, I trust that when the time is right, things will happen just how they are supposed to.

k.r.i.s.t.e.n. said...

"i'm single for a reason" - i like that