Saturday, February 24, 2007

questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart

there were times when i clearly remember thinking that i would never ever be the same without you. and that scared me. i didnt want to be me, without you. there were days that i would walk around in a bit of a fog, because of nights spent kept awake reaching for your body that was no longer there, searching for your lingering smell on my pillow that was now gone. weekends we once spent together, were now filled with coffee shops, girlfriends, cocktails, and many tears. the journal that i started when i first felt the pangs of uncertainty about us, was being scribbled in on a daily basis now. to read it now would show a script of a very tumultuous time.

months went by and things did seem to get a little better. then a slip up. a picture would fall from the pile on my nightstand. looking through email archives id find the lyrics to love songs you used to send me. and for the next several days, it was rough. tears again, and fears. fear that, shit, no way, really? again? im going backwards? and i thought i was doing so good. ive been here before but it was months ago. why am i back here? this pattern would happen. things would be okay, then another damn slip up. and then the tears. and fears. and questioning.

then more time would go by. and weeks turned into months with no real missing you pangs. well not that brought full on tears anymore at least. i still missed you. id be kidding you if i said it was a quick and easy thing, to get over you. over us. it wasnt. it still isnt.

i dont think about you too much anymore. and when i do, at first its your smell and your arms that i miss, or your hands. then its your yelling and anger that i dont miss, and your meanness.

and i realize how far i have come.

i used to not be able to imagine me, without you. i used to not want to be me, without you. now, almost a year later, i cant imagine me with you. i cant imagine someone like me, who i have become, who i have changed into, being with someone like you.

and that's progress.


Brrrr said...

that is good progress. that process is such a heartbreaking thing to go through but when you finally get to the other side of it ... wow ... it's a beautiful revival.

k.r.i.s.t.e.n. said...

yup, i know how you feel. everything happens for a reason. it's amazing what time can do.

Anonymous said...

That's definately progress, congrats on coming through it stronger and hopefully happier.

brandy said...

Well said! I love it when you can actually see progress in a situation, and more importantly, realize you are better for it.

brandy said...
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PeeJ said...

Time is the healer, definitely - and the more time that passes, the more other life experiences come in and fill the gaps. So as well as time, there's the stuff that comes with time, the distractions, the nice stuff that heals the emotional wounds nicely too.


DCVita said...

Awesome Post! I totally totally relate to you. You have no idea how much! But you are right, time heals all wounds. And the more time passes, the more you will realize that you are a much better person that deserves eternal love and happiness. It will find you one day my dear. Just hang in there. I am in the same boat with you :)

e.b. said...

I am always amazed when I do look back and feel healed. I love how much progress we can make with time. It also helps to know that the next time this happens, time will heat that hurt as well.

brookem said...

brrrr- It is a tough process, and continues to be, indeed.

kristen- I am always trying to remind myself of that.

ruby- Thank you.

brandy- I do believe I have come out a stronger person... we'll see.

peej- You are right about the really good distractions that have been good fillers.

dcvita- Thank you :) It's helpful knowing others are in the same boat. I know this, but sometimes I think, geeze- I've been dealing with this for SO long, and still am. Isn't that weird? But it's nice hearing someone is in the same situation too; so thank you for sharing that.

e.b.- You are right about being able to look back and see that at least since I've been here before, and I'm still okay, I can deal again.

brooke alexandra said...

I really like this one. Probably, because I can relate, and because the way you write is amazing.

brookem said...

brooke- thank you so much my friend.

PeeJ said...

Oh and good song btw. The one Coldplay track that is like icy fingers up my spine is "Trouble"


Ally said...

I like that you processed it. Some people seem like light switches to me--feelings on, feelings off. But you felt it all and suffered through it to emerge a better person on the other side. And that means you have a capacity to love, care, and be vulnerable. Bravo.