Wednesday, October 25, 2006

That's not like me....right?

Over the past year, I have become more introspective. I have learned new things about myself. I think know myself better at this point in my life than I ever have before. Which, is, a good thing. It should be, at least that's how I feel the majority of the time. I have gotten to know who I am more, what I'm looking for in my life- in a career, in a relationship, in friendships, in my future.

Learning more about myself has been an interesting process. I get a total thrill out of getting to know people. My current friends, new people, people from my past. I find it so captivating to learn about people, relationships, connections, interactions, etc. Relationships in general are so much a part of who I am. The relationships I have or have had- both platonic, and romantic, significant, and minute, all tend to play a significant role in how I in turn, learn about myself. It intrigues me, really gives me a charge, to be able to learn about different parts of people's character. I find that any interaction with someone else can be an opportunity to learn more about oneself.

Learning about others, making new friends, meeting new people, learning what other people are like, what makes them tick... it's always been so important to me and I have no doubt it will remain that way. It's in these interactions with people that I have found so many opportunities to learn more about me, and who I am. Not by any means in a self fulfilling way, I think just by nature of how I am, I find a way to spend time with myself thereafter, reflect and learn from all of these interesting interactions (good, bad, scary, romantic, intimate, inebriated, steamy, small, huge... all kinds).

So okay, I say I know myself well. I can describe myself in a paragraph, what I'm like, what I do, what I (think) I want in a relationship.... but I've gotten to thinking, is all of this a crock of shit?

I say I know who I am and what I'm like. I'd say I'm kind and understanding, but then I'll surprise myself and snap at someone or make a quick judgment. I say I know what I'm looking for in a career, but I'm in a job that I thought was exactly what I wanted to do, and I'm unhappy. If I knew so well what I'm looking for in a relationship, why then does it come so easy for me to fall for the wrong guy? Friendships are probably one of the biggest areas where I know what I want, because in that realm, I am so very blessed. No complaints there whatsoever!

I guess the more I think about it, the more I realize that yeah, maybe I do know more about myself now than I have in a long time. But there's always going to be more to learn. I'm really okay with that part. It's the times when I find that I've done something, said something, that I don't expect, that I didn't know I had in me (good or bad) that gets me a little off guard. I know, intellectually, that there is nothing wrong with that- finding out new things about myself, learning about a different way I handle something that I once dealt with a different way. I know this, that this should be okay. That I shouldn't feel so taken aback when something like this happens. There's no need to be so hard on myself. Hell, when I learn new things about other people, it's great and it's exciting and interesting and it's what I love. But when it's me? Why is it such a problem for me? Why can't I just experience that new side of me, that reaction, response, feeling, and as new and different as it may be, actually just be okay with that?


brooke alexandra said...

I completely agree with you on this. Recently, I believed I knew myself quite well, and then out of no where I was smacked back to reality. In a psych class we were asked to describe ourselves in a paragraph, listing details that best described our personality...basically your profile on Well, I couldn't do it. I starred at a blank piece of paper for ten minutes and I kept contradicting myself. I would write a quality I thought I had, and then say, "Well, you can be the total opposite of that at times." I feel sorry for the guy that ends of with me.

Anonymous said...

Hey, your back :)
I know the things you discover about yourself are not necesarrily always good, but just imagine how boring life would be if you knew yourself so well that you could never say "wow, i didn't know i had it in me to(fill in blank)".

Zoe said...

I think it's hard to fully know yourself, since people keep changing. You can know you hate tunafish, but you may grow older and come to enjoy classical piano even though you've always been a Metallica girl.