things that make me happy/smile/feel good, etc.

I don't have anything all too interesting to write about today... so I'll use today to post some things that make me happy. That way I'll have something to reference when I'm feeling in a funk or need a boost.

~Things That Make Me Smile~

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-acoustic music/guitar

-straight hair with no waves

-visiting with my mom

-a phone call from a different time zone

-finding an old bday card, with money in it

-sunsets

-the feel of my bed with fresh sheets on it

-an impomtu visit from M, from maine, for the weekend

-clean dishes out of the dishwasher

-a tall glass of milk

-stuffed animals with a past story

-leaving work on a friday evening

-a new pair of shoes

-the smell after it rains

-an unexpected phone call

-or email

-and even better, a handwritten something

-finding out I didn't go over in my cell phone minutes

-Buy One Get One at Payless

-red lipstick with T

-having a 40 minute drive to and from work all to myself

-fall, and October/November

-a yummy martini from Tempo

-warm, homemade bread

-uniformed men

-candle-lit rooms

-waking up early on the weekend but feeling rested

-Bearface

-people watching

-rehashing stories from college

-D & J's relationship, happiness, and committment to each other

-a fresh pedicure

-updating my ipod

-yummy smelling shampoo

-a little sunburn

-thinking about 6S

-fitting into a smaller size

-our heart tattoos

-a towel just out of the drier

-an overdue haircut

-the butterfly feeling from someone new

-Joshua Radin songs

-Lake Tahoe

-the sound of the ocean

-having no plans, free time

-long weekends

-a good workout

-success & good fortune of my friends

-blue mascara

-a good Lifetime movie

-accessor(ies)/(izing)

-working hard for something and seeing the results

-kittens

-hugs, cuddling

-just being, doing nothing, and being more than okay with it

-having the most amazing best friends

-looking at pictures from the night before

-taking pictures for that matter, and organizing them, sending them, doing things with them

-new undies from VS
-Grey's Anatomy
-Fenway
-holding a baby
-having my hair played with/brushed
-new body lotions

These are just a select bunch. Luckily there's a gazillion more, which I guess is a good thing compared to not being able to think of any. I'll let this list be for a while.

Frosty

It was 9:30pm, we had just found out that Grey's Anatomy was a freakin REPEAT, and we were craving milk. Milk, and a chocolate dessert. Out of milk, we decided to hit Store 24. We were already in our after-work, lounging around the apartment, comfy outfits, but we were just going to Store 24, so what did it matter? Further more, and we decided this upon taking the right into the convenience store parking lot, what we were wearing wouldn't phase us for hitting the bar down the street either.

Me: "I could really go for a beer right now. I have no qualms about walking into a bar in this outfit."
T: "Me neither."
Me: "Wanna?"
T: "Yup."

So we pulled straight out of the parking lot, headed down a couple blocks, and b-lined it into Joe Sent Me in our pajamas. Straight up. We were both wearing the same grey fleece pants, the same clogs (BOGO from Payless), I was in a glasses, a thermal shirt and a wool sweater, and she was in a Martha's Vineyard sweatshirt. And we had absolutely no reserve about it. We knew what the scene would be. Mostly college kids, a few random older men, etc. We just wanted a couple brewskis, to get our milk, and move on.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- it's these times- these random, unplanned, spur of the moment events that I will forever remember. It's during so many of these on a whim moments that I have had the most fun, the most laughs, and the most memories.

We're walking towards the door to the bar, and I trip. I fall, face forward, towards the door, luckily gaining enough composure to stop myself before going face down. And I'm not the type, one of those people to try and play something like this off. No way in hell would I let a friend of mine get away with that without some comment (first I'd make sure if they're okay), but you can be damn sure that we're going to laugh about it. People that trip and just keep on walking like NOTHING happened are silly to me. I saw it. You know it happened, you know that I saw you do it. Just acknowledge the humor of it, come on! So I did, she did... and so did Frosty, the guy outside smoking who we later made buddies with. He saw I was okay, and then he laughed. He should! He made some joke out of it, after checking to see what the hell I had done, and we went inside.

Talk about a freakin random crowd! We stuck out. We were in a townie bar, filled with college kids, hockey on big screen tvs, darts, beer, a magician (yeah, that's right), and then us. Us, two blonds standing by the bar, slugging back a couple Coors Lights, in our jammies basically, and having no reserve about it.

We met up with Frosty (my buddy who laughed at me at the door) right after beer number two. The. Friendliest. Guy. Ever. What a good hearted guy! Totally down to earth, funny, kind, and really genuine. Him AND his buddies in tow. You can imagine my amusement when I found out he works for the fire department. Anyone who knows me knows how much I LOVE a man in uniform. Totally does it for me. I'm still into policemen, but lately... it's firemen that have been catching my eye. I could go on forever about my excitement on this topic, but I'll stop here.

We talked to Frosty, his brother, and a few other guys for the next two hours. Lots of laughs were had, beers were drank, "a fireman's schedule" was taught (and questioned, in detail by myself). I now know that firemen work on an 8 day week, an 8 week schedule. I know that if they take a day off, they have a week off. I know they typically work two 24 hour shifts. I know they often have other jobs on the side. Landscaping, painting, taxi driving, concession selling/vending. I know now even more that I'm interested in a fireman- if not just for the uniformed appeal, for the genuine good nature of these guys, their humor, their laid back way, their schedule!?, etc.

So yeah, the night was just another one of those really random, but so much fun excursions. We couldn't have planned that. Let's go out to get milk and end up meeting the town fire department and getting the scoop on the young fireman that I've been scoping out on my way home lately? (that's a story for another day) You just can't plan this stuff! And really... I wouldn't want to. It's times like these that I have found to be the best memories ever.

That's not like me....right?

Over the past year, I have become more introspective. I have learned new things about myself. I think know myself better at this point in my life than I ever have before. Which, is, a good thing. It should be, at least that's how I feel the majority of the time. I have gotten to know who I am more, what I'm looking for in my life- in a career, in a relationship, in friendships, in my future.

Learning more about myself has been an interesting process. I get a total thrill out of getting to know people. My current friends, new people, people from my past. I find it so captivating to learn about people, relationships, connections, interactions, etc. Relationships in general are so much a part of who I am. The relationships I have or have had- both platonic, and romantic, significant, and minute, all tend to play a significant role in how I in turn, learn about myself. It intrigues me, really gives me a charge, to be able to learn about different parts of people's character. I find that any interaction with someone else can be an opportunity to learn more about oneself.

Learning about others, making new friends, meeting new people, learning what other people are like, what makes them tick... it's always been so important to me and I have no doubt it will remain that way. It's in these interactions with people that I have found so many opportunities to learn more about me, and who I am. Not by any means in a self fulfilling way, I think just by nature of how I am, I find a way to spend time with myself thereafter, reflect and learn from all of these interesting interactions (good, bad, scary, romantic, intimate, inebriated, steamy, small, huge... all kinds).

So okay, I say I know myself well. I can describe myself in a paragraph, what I'm like, what I do, what I (think) I want in a relationship.... but I've gotten to thinking, is all of this a crock of shit?

I say I know who I am and what I'm like. I'd say I'm kind and understanding, but then I'll surprise myself and snap at someone or make a quick judgment. I say I know what I'm looking for in a career, but I'm in a job that I thought was exactly what I wanted to do, and I'm unhappy. If I knew so well what I'm looking for in a relationship, why then does it come so easy for me to fall for the wrong guy? Friendships are probably one of the biggest areas where I know what I want, because in that realm, I am so very blessed. No complaints there whatsoever!

I guess the more I think about it, the more I realize that yeah, maybe I do know more about myself now than I have in a long time. But there's always going to be more to learn. I'm really okay with that part. It's the times when I find that I've done something, said something, that I don't expect, that I didn't know I had in me (good or bad) that gets me a little off guard. I know, intellectually, that there is nothing wrong with that- finding out new things about myself, learning about a different way I handle something that I once dealt with a different way. I know this, that this should be okay. That I shouldn't feel so taken aback when something like this happens. There's no need to be so hard on myself. Hell, when I learn new things about other people, it's great and it's exciting and interesting and it's what I love. But when it's me? Why is it such a problem for me? Why can't I just experience that new side of me, that reaction, response, feeling, and as new and different as it may be, actually just be okay with that?

Things About Me

I found this survey somewhere and thought it was different so I spent some time on it....

I Am
Easily amused, passionate, empathetic, thirsty, open minded, inquisitive, a nurturer, critical, sexual, worrisome, introspective, so much like my mother, generous, loyal, affectionate, ambitious, appreciative

I Want
To be more fulfilled in my job, a kitten, for my dad- and C to live closer, a significant other who I have amazing chemistry with and who treats me well- not one or the other, a cup of tea, a vacation, a new pair of running shoes

I Have
An amazing group of friends, a stable and secure job and apartment, a wonderful family, too many shoes that will never equal enough, blue eyes and fair skin, an overwhelming urge to go outside and enjoy the fall weather, a tendency to procrastinate, laundry to do, a sense of spiritual connection, an amazingly comfortable bed that I love climbing into, to organize better, so much love for those that I care for, to make a dentist appointment

I Wish
It were Friday, Nevada was closer to Massachusetts, sometimes that I didn't expect so much from myself (and sometimes others), my skin was flawless, my great grandmother was still alive, sometimes like I'm still in middle school- at 11:11, happiness for my loved ones, to train for and compete in a triathlon soon

I Hate
Most Mondays, really fishy fish, wearing socks and stepping in something wet, how I have clammy hands so much of the time, the sound of a fork/knife screeching on a plate, the look of snow on the side of the road when it gets dirty, waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep because I can't stop thinking, that I sometimes make judgments about things/people too quickly, people that do not think of others- and only themselves, and ungratefulness, the thought that someday, I will lose my grandparents, the act of putting new sheets on my bed

I Fear
Losing a loved one, break-ins, robberies, muggings- and anything of the like, heights to some extent, that which I have no control over, loud voices, sometimes that I'm not good enough, not wearing seatbelts

I Hear
My ipod all day at work, fall leaves crackling beneath my feet outside, it's going to rain this week, acoustic music and it makes me happy, my roommate watching Jeopardy in the other room

I Search
On here, and maps on here, for new, different things to do, for humor in all situations, for the best in people, for meaning in things that there just may be none, for my favorite pair of underwear on a night I'm going on a date, for the perfect pair of jeans often when I shop, for the tiny hair clips I buy all the time and seem to lose inevitably, online for my horoscope

I Wonder
When I will get married, what my kids will look like, what I will look like 25 years from now, how lonely it must be for people who don't have any family or close friends, what my life will be like in the future, who will be the first of my best friends to get married, what it would be like to never have to worry about money at all, if I will ever feel fully comfortable with myself, what it would be like to not be an only child

I Regret
Those things which I didn't make time for, and should have, not speaking up in situations where I should have, putting forth too much energy trying to fix an unhealthy situation, times where I have been more worried about the outcome rather than embracing the here and now- living in the moment

I Love
My family, my friends, fall, milk, anticipating a vacation, cuddling, going to bookstores and coffee shops, trying new things, laughing, picking out and buying cards, planning celebrations, writing, kittens and puppies, the smell of just done laundry, the feel of my bed after a long day, waking up and realizing I don't have anything planned for that day, a good workout, the smell of good smelling cologne, a man in uniform, random acts of kindess, elderly people

I Ache
After physical therapy sometimes, in a good way-after a tough workout, when I miss someone- I can feel it all over

I Always
Say thank you, check to make sure I've unplugged my hair straightener, check my email, eat too fast, say "I love you" when I feel it, remind people of how much they mean to me, drink milk every day, obsessively check to make sure I've locked my car, wear rings

I Usually
Always treat people as I'd like to be treated, have trouble with math, pay my bills on time, remember faces but not always names, try to make people feel good, am on time-or a few minutes early, don't read the newspaper, always keep my nails short, wear contacts, think about the future, but try to live in the moment, take a lot of pictures

I Am Not
Pessimistic, a big fan of football, or basketball for that matter, totally confident with myself although I can pretend pretty well, in my profession for money, too interested in politics, good at geography, into country music

I Dance
A mean cha cha slide with my bests, with no reserve, pretty often, when I see a move on MTV that I think is cool to try to imitate it- I look like an idiot when I do this

I Sing
In the car, always to songs that remind me of college days, sometimes to hear my own voice

I Never
Wear double denim, go over 80mph intentionally, would try hard core drugs, don't get ill after drinking (hardly), make a promise I don't intend to keep, keep my eyes open during a scary movie scene, miss an episode of Grey's Anatomy

I Rarely
Go to bed without washing my face, for that matter-go to bed when I plan to, eat Thai food- but when I do I love it, go swimming anymore, floss

I Cry
When I watch A Wedding/Baby Story, to certain songs, when someone I care for cries, about things people wouldn't think I'd still be crying about, when nobody is looking, later on, after it's done

I Am Not Always
Able to put things into words (verbally) as well as I can in writing, able to articulate my concerns or thoughts as clearly as I'd like to in a conversations or especially during confrontation, good at taking my own advice, paying attention when I should be

I Lose
When I try to play pool, or darts, socks- a lot, my checkbook sometimes, track of time when I'm with my friends, pens

I'm Confused
About astrology, when I think too much about setting the clocks back or ahead

I Miss
M & D living with us, Sex & the City, certain things about being in a relationship, C, college life at times, home cooked meals by my mom, being a part of a team sport, when I used to not have a car payment

I Need
To write in my journal more often, to buy stamps, to get a new toothbrush, to think of what I'm going to pack for my trip to Miami, to do more things that make me feel good, to update my resume, to blog more consistently, an oil change, a new winter coat

I Should
Floss more, write more, take a class for the hell of it, make more collages, write down things when I think of them- so I'll actually remember them, use my debit card less, budget more, be more confident in myself, finish books that I start, get more rest, organize my pictures

goals?

I had just had a swig of my beer and we were talking about how the bouncer had a strong resemblance to my ex boyfriend. We were at the same bar that this same ex boyfriend had gotten pissed at one night when we were all out for a friend's birthday, and he peaced out, angry and drunk. Too many flashbacks.

We're standing at the bar, two of the dressiest girls there even though we were only in work clothes, and in comes a fairly good looking, Italian guy, with tattoos. He says that his friends are in the other room, and the one friend he was in this part of the bar with just "turned gay." He downs his beer and buys another. We find out he's in town for 29 more hours, but that he could extend it another 7 hours if it was necessary. I wasn't interested in him, like that, but he was amusing us for the time being, so we went with it. He says that while he's in town, he wants to get laid. Pretty.Blunt. He says he's just being honest, to which I congratulate him on. Hey, he's putting it out there right? I'm not interested but who knows, maybe some other chic might dig that sort of thing.

The three of us sip our beers, we're not talking, I catch my roommate noticing a guy with a name tag on his back, and I have to force myself not to laugh. Italian guy with tattoos is looking at us, and we're not talking. So naturally, what other normal way to get the conversation to flow, he asks us:

"So, what are your goals in life?"

WHAT? Did he seriously just ask us that? Maybe after the third or fourth DATE that would be accepted, but now? After 10 minutes, after you just told us you want to get laid? You want to know what our goals are?

She and I take another sip of our beers and kind of laugh. He doesn't. He's serious. He says so, and that he wants to know. I look away. Back at the bouncer that reminds me of my ex. (He's bigger than my ex, he has tattoos all over his arms. He's a badass version of my ex). So I hear her telling him some of her goals. I know these goals already; she's my best friend. But she doesn't talk about these very often, who does? And you certainly aren't expecting to be divulging them to Mr. Italian at the bar after work. She's sweet and sincere when she's sharing them. He nods, he's interested. He nods like he agrees, like he understands her and really knows her after 14 minutes at the bar. He turns to me and wants to know my goals now. "Short term or long term?" I say. "Long term." he eagerly replies. He's into this conversation. Like he's mentally keeping track of our goals in life.

So I humor him, tell him some of my goals about family and career... similar to what she said. He asks how many kids I want to have, and-icantbelieve this goal conversation is still going on- I say 2, or 3... he nods again, like he agrees. "Anything else?" he says? "Yeah, and I want to hook up with a man in uniform. Preferably a police officer or fireman. But that's more of a short term goal." I say. He smirks. Shit, what have I gotten myself into? "Do you wear a uniform?" I say, hoping to God he doesn't. I'm asking him a question that I can tell he wants to answer. He's got the look on like he's going to give me some really good answer. "Not for my job. But I can wear one for fun." And he nudges me. And I swig my beer. And he smirks, again. He's giddy. He would wear a uniform for me, or for her. He'd do it tonight, because he wants to g et laid.

The rest of the story isn't even worth telling because nothing else really happened. Things kinda fizzled after that deeper than should ever happen over a beer when I first meet you conversation did. We met his friend who just came out, he was nice. They were leaving and Mr. Italian wanted us to go with him. No thanks.

And this whole encounter makes me wonder- do things like this only happen to my roommate and I? There are sooo many more encounters we've had with guys where I'm left thinking, wondering, dumbfounded and baffled. Mr. Italian was cute, he was nice and in general, the encounter wasn't bad. It was actually pretty funny. Just something so appropriate to happen to us. Definition of us. A guy asking us what our goals are? Wow.

I wonder if he got laid last night. I hope he did, he was just being honest for Christ's sake!

A Note From:

Those that know me well know that I am a card person. I love sending them, for any, and all occasions. For no occasions. Just because. I could spend hours in the card aisles at CVS. Oh, and put me in the Paper Store? In heaven. Cardsmart, where all cards are 50% off? Can't get enough of it. Picking out cards for a certain event, and stocking up on cards to have on hand. It's totally my thing.

There's something about a handwritten note, something delivered via snail mail, to someone's door, that they physically have to open with their own two hands. Something tangible. That you can save in a special place for as long as they want (and if you're me, I have cards saved from years ago... I have trouble letting that stuff go). It's different than an email, a phone call, a voicemail, or text. It's random and it's unexpected. And yet, it's so very simple.

Two of my best friends, who happen to be siblings, have two of the sweetest, most adorable, precious grandparents I've known. I'm close with them, and have come to know them well over the years. Their grandmother has been dealing with some health issues lately, so since then, I have been sending her notes more regularly. Just checking in, thinking of you type of notes and cards. We talk on the phone now and then, and she is always so appreciative of the cards I send, saying how thankful she is. This totally gets me. Gets me in the way that I feel totally full with love for this precious couple.

But what really got me... what I actually carry around in my purse now, is a note I got from their grandfather recently:

Dear Meg:
Thank you for your card.
You will never know how much she appreciates it.
Thank you.

Totally got me. I know, it's so short and simple.... but it says so much. It's so meaningful. I get so much pleasure out of sending these cards, but to hear and see how much it means to someone else like that, it just really made me smile.

And that feels good.

ex boyfriend shirts and drummers

I guess it's been a bit since I've written. I guess I'm not really a consistent blogger. It's not like my blog is a Grrl Genius, Greek Tragedy, Ari Goes Down, or This Fish- blogs that I, clearly among a ton of other people, actually read on a regular basis. So I'm thinkin that if I don't blog for a day or two, or a few weeks as the case may be, it's not going to be a let down for most people.

And for now, that's okay. I've only recently picked up on the blogging thing, and I do it because I like to write and thought this would be a good way to kinda... get it out there or something. But it's not like people even really know about my blog enough to come to it regularly to spruce up their days, get a laugh, or whatever... so really, in the grande scheme of things, the fact that I'm not a consistent blogger doesn't realllly matter. The fact that I wicked enjoy it, when I actually do it, maybe matters. I like that I can write, and post what I write, in pink no less. I like that I can get a comment or two and then meet other cool people that way. I'm kinda liking that right now, not many people really know that I'm into this. It's my thing, something for me, that I do for myself, because I enjoy it.

Anyway, so I figured since I post on other people's blogs, and link to my own, it might make sense to actually write in mine, otherwise what's the point or doing the link thing? It's just that lately, I haven't had too much to say. Or the energy to really put all that's been going on into words. It's not like there's been nothing going on... rather, there's been somuchgoingon, that I just wasn't feeling up to the task of getting home at night and writing about it. So I've decided I'm going to try and do this more consistently- more for me, without any attachments to outcomes of even caring who will read this, and who never will.

There's this blue shirt I have. 3/4 length, it fits me well, I've been told the color is good on me, and it's one of those shirts you feel good in. I bought it about a month ago, and wore it to a party where I knew I may be having a run in with my ex boyfriend. I chose the shirt because I love the color and after trying several other options, this was the one thing that I actually felt... confident in. So I busted it out, wore it that night, saw my ex, felt confident, had a little meltdown thereafter but moved on, and hadn't worn the shirt again. Until this past Saturday. Again, I was looking for something that I knew I'd feel good in, so out came the blue 3/4 length, and out we went. The concert was sweet, and afterwards we even got to hangout with the Barenaked Ladies. The drummer was the coolest- down to earth and completely hysterical. So that was pretty cool, and at least I was still feeling good in and about the shirt . Until we were standing at the bar, and in walks my roommates ex. They didn't have a run in or anything, we talked to some of his friends, but no contact was made by them. Still though, at the end of the night, I couldn't help but think, maybe this shirt isn't as great as I'm making it out to be? For myself, and my friends.

The only two times I've worn it, yes- I've felt good about the idea beforehand, but both times, ex boyfriends have been in the mix. Not ex boyfriends where things just fizzled out, or where you just decide you're "better off as friends." Exes where you get the feeling when you're around them. The needing to switch to a stiff drink instead of beer kind of feeling about the way things ended. You don't hate each other, you don't want to never see them again, in fact- it's the one you will always have a special place in your heart for....BUT, none the less, both of you still end up having that weird, uncomfortable, Jack and Coke necessary, type of feeling thinking about a future encounter.*

I think as girls, we have the capability that boggles our guy friends and boyfriends, to be able to remember outfits. What we were wearing when we first met you. What shoes you were wearing when you walked in to pick us up. How we wore our hair on our first date. Our favorite shirt we like to see you in. The outfit we wore when we first met your parents. Your favorite underwear of ours. Our favorite boxers. Your favorite shirt you'd wear in the fall. The dress we wore to your friend's wedding. The shirt we wore when we saw you for the first time after we'd broken up.

That blue, damn, 3/4 length, favorite shirt of mine. I don't want this to be associated with exes anymore. So I'll wear it to work someday. Or to a girls night out. Or when I go visit my grandparents. To my mom's house. Places where I wouldn't run into anyone questionable, and neither will my friends. And maybe that will help. Because I love this shirt, and I don't want to say goodbye to it yet. I don't like goodbye.

*I used to love Jack and Diet Coke. It was like, my drink of choice. Until it wasn't. And the drink, the smell, the look of it all, made me physically ill. So I took a break from them. It was always a drink I knew was a good choice- it would inevitably give me a good buzz, and I could count on it. But the aftermath wasn't worth it, so I took a break with it. Until recently, when I eased back into it, having Coke instead, thinking that might help. And it did. It does. And I always know that Jack will be a good standby if the situation calls for it.