Saturday, March 24, 2007

how come?

I hate these reminders of you. There's so many freaking reminders. You know, for the longest time, I felt good that I was in a new place. A new apartment, somewhere you'd never been in, we'd never been us in. There was never an us here. No shared moments in the kitchen, cooking a meal together. Nothing shared on the couch in this place, my head in your lap as we watched a movie together. We shared my bed, but not in this new place. No shared bed memories here.

And so for a while, the no shared moments, together, here, that was all good. With the newness, there was no you, no us. I didn't have to worry about looking outside at my driveway and remembering us kissing there. Didn't have to see the upstairs shower and remember what we did there.

So the newness, it was all pretty good. Because it didn't evoke memories of you. But then, the newness, the fucking newness, reminded that it was lacking you. Devoid of you. Never once was there a memory here of us together.

And sometimes it's everywhere. Sometimes you are still everywhere. You are in the way that my body falls asleep at night. The way I still bring a glass of water to bed. It's in the way that I leave the door ajar in the bathroom while brushing my teeth. It's in the way I put my hand on the passenger seat of the car.

I used to do all of these things, in the anticipation of you being there. The bed. The water for you. Expecting you to join me to brush our teeth together. Me putting my hand on your leg when I drove us somewhere.

The thing is, you're not here. You never were. Which makes it so weird, for me to still be doing these things, as if you were. As if it's going to ever be this way again. Why still, all these memories? Why still, can I feel your presence here, when you were never here to begin with? How can you miss something that you never had?

Why must you keep turning up all over the place? In places you don't belong. That you weren't ever before?

Go away. Please?

20 comments:

copasetic fish said...

things like that have very little to do with actual physical places. i've been very careful to keep J away from my new place, but because he's in my heart, he goes with me everywhere, every day. if you figure out how to fix it, please let me know!

LaLa said...

Hi Meg, thanks for stopping by my blog. I just read your latest entry and I really like the way your write. I definitely look forward to reading more. =) Cheers.

Ryane said...

eventually, i think those memories will fade to the place where they belong and stay there. in the meantime, (and to help them along their way)you might try burning some sage around your new apartment, while kindly asking those memories to remain at the door. however, having been there myself, I know this is never as easy as it sounds.

brandy said...

I think, the only thing that fixes the boyfriend phantom pains is time- that's the only thing that worked for me. And the realization that it wasn't always as good as I remembered it to be. (Ie "Us fixing dinner", was actually "me fixing dinner while he waxed on and on about his art".) Ahhh men.

Mel said...

Scary the way a heart can hold on to things even when we've moved on in every other way we know how. No matter how much I've managed to push memories away I have my moments, more than I want to. I hope these times for you soon become few and far between.

brooke alexandra said...

It seems the harder we try to forget them, the more present they are in our lives. It's never as simple as just forgetting. And deep down a little piece of you doesn't want to forget.

Ruby said...

It sucks to know that regardless of everything you've done to move on and every effort you've made a random memory can trip you up...time though. Time soothes all.

M said...

ick I know hun. I've had the same problems. The best thing to do is make new memories... in whatever way you feel like. :) It's gotten to the point that I've weeded out one by one and have hardly any from my last relationship. It's a slow process though.

PeeJ said...

Thus is the problem when someone's shot through your life like the veins in expensive cheese. It's almost impossible to get rid of every trace of 'em. My friends think I'm bizarre because if I break up with someone I do a complete sweep and clean. Stuff, photos etc - the worst is music and I swear that you should never, ever, EVER listen to music you really like when you're breaking up with someone. Listen to cheesy trash Europop or something worse, that way you get to keep the good stuff to yourself.

As others have so wisely said, time's the great healer - not much help when all you want to do is smash stuff up and scream at the top of your voice but it's better than going to bed with Ben & Jerry...

Peej
x

Aaron said...

At the expense of sounding harsh... does blogging about it help or hinder? If it helps, keep writing. If it hinders, why continue to reopen the wound?

B said...

beautifully written

e.b. said...

I feel like no matter what you do those memories can hit you over the head. Even far removed when someone has moved in their place - they still come along. Not that this helps - but maybe knowing they will never entirely go away means that they can take their place and you can move on with them.

brookem said...

thank you everyone for commenting :) and hello to the new bloggers! thank you for stopping by.

aaron, blogging helps. im overwhelmed with the support and feedback i get from all of you, and knowing that im not the only one who goes through this stuff, helps. writing it out, rehashing it all out, helps.

Clare said...

I hope the memories start to fade soon and you can feel happier in the new place.

Priyanka said...

thanks for sharing this, i've often found myself feeling the same way, finding that certain someone in the way the light forms shadows through the blinds, in the way the sheets smell like lavander, the way a stranger smiles...it's been years but somehow he always finds a way in...

Trixie said...

it's is very hard to chase the old memories away. time will eventually make it better. you may never forget the memories but the pain will be a little less each time.

Joy said...

Reminders can be so hard and the triggers to memories are sneaky little buggers but one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

DCVita said...

That was beautiful. I can totally relate. The only thing I can tell you is that the person never really goes away. You will always have some memories, but that is OK! But there will come a point when you look back on that memory with fondness instead of despair. Time definately helps. But you are making great progress. Let it all out. Blogging for me definately helped too!

mysterygirl! said...

I don't know how we can miss the things we never had, but I manage to miss those very things every day. A lovely post.

Airam said...

I feel like this sometimes. Sometimes for a split second something will happen to me (good or bad) and I'll want to tell him about it but will remember that I can't.

It gets better with time.