Monday, March 19, 2007

signals

I'm not good always, at feeling out whether a guy is interested or not. I used to be better at it. Now, sometimes, I just don't know. I don't read these signals well. Sometimes I misread them, thinking that when he asked for my number he really wanted to get to know me, was genuinely interested, and didn't just want to sleep together. Other times I'll misunderstand and be totally aloof and not even fathom that a guy like that, could be into a girl like me.

Because I have not done so well at reading the signals lately. Therefore, lately, I don't always know what the right move is. And it makes me more reserved, and I hate that. It's partly because of the guy that I went out with a couple weeks ago. I met him the night of the speed dating, not at the event but after. I should have known when I joked with him that he probably regularly attends these events to pick up the girls at the end of the night who haven't left or coupled off, that that actually was the case. His sly little laugh and smirk should have told me better. When I met him for drinks and appetizers the following week, I should have known that he wasn't what I was looking for based on his incessant grilling of me to come back to his place to "watch a movie" after only spending about an hour together. No thank you.

I should have read those signs. But the date was one of the best I've ever had. There was laughing, flirting, kissing. It was really good, and fun. And promising, I thought. At least of something fun, a dating thing, which is what I was looking for from this. Not necessarily anything serious. I would have considered a second date.

Well apparently that's not what this guy wanted either. Which I learned the following week, when he and his three friends met us at the same place as the week before, and a group of ended up going back to his house with everyone for a little gathering. Words that shouldn't be mentioned outside of a serious relationship and the comfort zone that I may or may not get in with someone, were whispered, in sketchy, skeevy, whiskey laden tones in my ear. He didn't want to date. He wanted sex. And want to have me do things to him, in his upstairs guestroom. Just real quick, they'll never know. I'm no Charlotte, and I'm not freaked at the occasional dirty talk, in the right situation. But this was obscene. Gross, really. Inappropriate and such.a.turnoff.

And here I am, thinking things could be fun, dating like fun. A cool guy, funny and friendly and sexy. No, wrong. Again, me, wrong. With the signals. What gives? Am I just not able to read them? I'm usually good at that kind of thing.

So this is the issue. How do you know when a guy is looking for just sex, or something more? When he asks you out to eat, how do you know what kind of eating out he may have in mind? Do you just go with it, and see what happens? And that's how you learn? Then why did he even bother with the drinks, the appetizers, the family talk, acting like he gives a shit about that stuff?

I guess I'm just not sure. Some guys, they just have a vibe about them. You know that they aren't looking for dating, or a relationship, and sometimes you're still interested, and that can all be well and good. Some guys, appear to want the dating thing, yet surprise you like this one did. Others, you just fall into a relationship with, it's easy and fun and you both want the same thing, things just seem to go along so nicely, it's no work at all and you're just consumed by the goodness of it all; it almost feels too good to be true. Or maybe that's just a daydream of mine.

And maybe lately my signal reading has been a little off. And maybe this is most definitely one to add to the come on list.

Oh well.

18 comments:

Ruby said...

Ok first of all...WTF??? What's up with him?? You're too good for him brookem!! I don't know about signals anymore either...I thought I did too. It gets more confusing everyday.
*sigh*

Airam said...

From my past experience ... every SINGLE time I've felt uneasy about a guy (with regards to anything really) it never ended up working out. I think it's safe to trust your gut instinct.

And you're absolutely right. Being in a relationship should be easy. There should be NO QUESTIONS about how he feels about you or how you feel about him. Just chalk it up to another experience and something you learned for the next time around.

M said...

I've gotten rather bad at reading men too. My solution is usually just to be honest, ie. "I'm just looking for sex" or, "I've done the fuck buddy thing, now I'm interested in more and if you're not, then I'm not for you". Not subtle, I know... but I hate wasting time on badly suited relationships. I wish I could help more but I think we're in the same boat. That guy made you feel uncomfortable, he definitely wasn't worth it.

Ally said...

Gross. Yuck. I'm sorry that happened, and I can see why you'd be disturbed.

The whole "movie" thing was a definite huge red flag. And not that I think it has to be a hard and fast rule necessarily, but guys never try to kiss me on the first date--and I like it that way; in my mind, the "watch a movie" line/grilling combined with kissing on the first date = huge guard up. Then throw in the next outing not being a date but meeting at a bar (?) = probably not the classiest guy with the best intentions. But I can see how the rest of the niceties of the date made the big red flag (him grilling you) easy to ignore though. And by no means does any of this excuse his behavior.

So I'm hoping you slapped him or something. What did you say/do?

k.r.i.s.t.e.n. said...

oh gosh - i've come to believe that all guys are just looking for sex and nothing more. where are the normal guys?

PeeJ said...

Mmmf - what Ruby said. You should've verbally tore him a new arsehole in front of everyone else. Always the best way to deal with these cock-in-pocket idiots, humiliate 'em in front of everyone - it's amazing how quickly they revert from being a sleazebag lothario into being a whipped little mummy's boy :)

As a man (well I was last time I looked) I would at least say that we're not all like that and we're not all just interested in your ability to provide us with a bit of "in out, in out" to the tune of Beethoven's 5th...I know, it's a weak plea but trust me we're not though you'd be hard pushed to tell thanks to the behaviour of a few eejits.

Peej
x

Aaron said...

What Peej said. We're not all looking for sex straight out of the gate. Some of us actually wait until the second date! j/k

Anyway, sorry you had to go through all that, but it's part of dating. Perhaps I should recount a story of mine on the second date. Yeah, I bet that'd be interesting.

"Others, you just fall into a relationship with, it's easy and fun and you both want the same thing, things just seem to go along so nicely, it's no work at all and you're just consumed by the goodness of it all; it almost feels too good to be true." Not a fairy tale. I believe it. I wonder if the Actress is that person...

brookem said...

seriously, i said the same thing- WTholyF! thank you everyone, for reassuring me that he's a tool, and that all men aren't this way. i did go with my gut, knowing he's not worth it. i peaced out shortly after that comment, and i haven't talked to him since.

peej- your comments always make me laugh. and i thank you for that. hugely.

e.b. said...

I don't feel like there is a way to know definitely - you have to give people chances (at least when it feel right - I wouldn't force anything). And you live 'n learn.

I just realized you changed all the colors to green over the weekend. Cute.

Joy said...

Hey Brooke! There's no real way to know, no radar. I say the best thing to be is armed: sober and aware. Some men have the perfect game and there is no way that you can tell that they just want sex. You just have to go with your gut and trust your instincts.

angel, jr. said...

I don't think we as males are good at sending out signals. We don't know how to say it verbally, what makes us think we can say it with body language and signs?

angel, jr. said...

I don't think we as males are good at sending out signals. We don't know how to say it verbally, what makes us think we can say it with body language and signs?

Thomas said...

Airam is exactly right. For example, sometimes when I want to leave a comment on someone's blog and I can't think of anything funny to say, I can tell that me and that blog probably aren't going to work out.

Trixie said...

that is such a turn off.... like you said, there is a time for that and it has to be mutual or at least the 2 people should be on the same page/vibe.

i think our gut feeling is almost usually right the first time around. so if you feel not at ease or doubtful of his intentions, it's something to watch out for.

B said...

Hi

you already know what to do, you waited to see what happened and you reacted by doing what was right for you- I see no problem. and just as men will never completely figure out woman nor will we figure out them. and to be honest some guys are just really good at dishing out bullshit to try to get ya to the bedroom with no intention for anything else.

thanks for visiting my blog I look forward to reading some of your posts and I hope you will visit again.

Tom said...

yeah, you gotta be careful with a guy who is dropping that kind of language at you on a 2nd (?) date...?! that's preeeety messed up.

PeeJ said...

I just thought of the perfect quote for this - from Heathers...

"I have a little speech prepared for when my suitor demands a little more than I'm willing to give them."

"Oh wait a second, you're not even worth my fucking speech!"

LOVE that film.

Peej
x

Carrie said...

I can totally relate to this - I once went out with a guy whom I thought was genuine in his interest in me... which I guess he was. It just didn't extend to my personality, history, thoughts, future, ideas... well, you get the picture.

As women get smarter guys lies get better. Not all guys are like this, but it sure is disheartening to keep running into the ones that are.