Monday, March 12, 2007

speechless, at the right time

I remember when you first told me you loved me. We were in your car, we had just gotten back to your house and we both had our seats back. Some song was playing, I can't remember what. We were holding hands. As I leaned over to kiss you, hug you, touch your face, I remember us laughing that the damn e brake got in the way. It was quiet for a minute, and that's when it happened. You had me in your arms and you said it. That you were in love with me.

How long is too long, to sit with the silence, before it seems awkward that one hasn't responded to a first "I love you?" Ten seconds? Thirty? It wasn't as if I didn't hear you. I did, you knew that as I looked up at you and kissed you, squeezed you tighter, breathed you into me more.

I did feel it then, but too many seconds had passed and I felt like the moment had gone. Too late to say it. It slipped into the heater vents as I deeply exhaled it out. But no words came. I could have said it. At any time, really. When we went back inside and cozied up on the couch with each other and a movie; I could have said it then, I just didn't. Not because I didn't feel it. I did. I let the moment pass me by. That moment, when I should have said it, was gone.

But then? As I'm writing this now, I feel like that was a cop out. I must have not said it fora good reason. I also think, when you love someone, you should tell them, right then, right there, in the moment. Given the moment is appropriate and all. No amount of seconds or minutes or hours that pass should equal the time frame of a missed chance. I felt it, but I just didn't say it. I don't know if what I'm feeling is described as regret.

I remember though, feeling it, earlier that weekend. We were at the mall and I had dragged you into girly accessory stores, and you didn't complain, not a bit. At least not that I remember now. You were adorable the way you were, with me, that day. I just wanted to eat you up. I remember it was crowded and after a while, we both just needed out of the place. We couldn't find we where parked, looked on every floor, not remembering where we had been just a couple hours earlier. This made us laugh. We said "screw it" and decided to go get something to eat and have some beers and figure it all out after. And we did, and I remember our way of walking to the car, finally finding it, me giggling, tipsy and warmer from the alcohol. It was cold that day and you took my hand and we headed for no direction really, to look for your car, somewhere. I remember, then, at that moment, was when I started to feel it. It was at that moment. It came over me in a huge wave and I remember thinking, God, I am in love this guy. I hadn't felt that, well, ever. Not like that, so sure of it. Not before you.

When we finally found the car, there was traffic, tons of it, getting out of the garage. And I was flustered and hot. And some song, I don't remember what now, was on the radio. I remember us turning it up, and we blasted that sucker. You opened the windows, all of them including the sunroof, and we blared that rap shit, and I wore your hat. We were both laughing, hysterically really. It was at that moment, that I wanted to say it. Scream it. Over the music I wanted to scream out, "I love you!!" And I didn't. Although the timing seemed so right, something held me back.

And something held me back that night in the car. In one instance the timing didn't feel totally right, the other couldn't have been more perfect. In neither situation did I have the nerve to say it.

All along though, I felt it. Maybe I should have said it, in those times. For the first time, then, that night back to you, or the next day to you, first. I didn't.

And I don't really know what all this means. I know what I feel; I just couldn't seem to get it out.


brandy said...

That was bloody brilliant!I wrote once on wanting to say things (nice things) and not being able to say them. You managed to capture what I wanted to say in such an articulate and heartfelt way. A great post!

brooke alexandra said...

Why is it so hard to say, "I love you?" I STILL have a hard time saying it.

Loved the post! You always make me think.

k.r.i.s.t.e.n. said...

i liked it. i could totally understand where you were, what you were feeling, what you are feeling. love is definately a weird and unexpected feeling.

PeeJ said...

Ahhhh yes - I know this feeling though I've only really had to go through anything like this once. Being told is great, wanting to tell someone is great. Sometimes though as I've said before, you just don't need to - they know, and you know too.


Aaron said...

I love you, Meg. ;^)

e.b. said...

That was nicely written.

Did you ever get it out?

brookem said...

brandy- Thank you so much!

brooke- That was the thing- I didn't get why it was so hard to just say it. And thank YOU.

kristen- Thanks... it sure is.

peej- You're totally right.

aaron- You make it seem so easy!! :)

eb- Thank you. I did get it out, shortly after that. Once it was out, it was never a problem to say it thereafter.

Ally said...

I know it's mean, but it's always been funny to me when I hear stories about someone just responding with "thanks." But I totally don't think you should say it until you're sure, and I don't plan on saying it again until I meet "the One." So bravo to you for not just blurting it back and being thoughtful about it. Real love isn't a fleeting feeling or a mood; it's something that endures and thus saying it can wait.

DCVita said...

ahhhh you reminded me of the first time I heard "I love you". It was a great feeling. That one will forever be embedded in my memory.

angel, jr. said...

Wow!! That's all I can say right now!!

brookem said...

Ally- I laugh at the idea of saying "thanks" too. Seems out of place.

dcvita- I think first loves always stay in our memory, and heart, in some way or another.

angel jr.- hmm, good or bad?