Friday, January 05, 2007

the only thing that stays the same is change

I have a tendency of looking at moments in time, by comparing them to what I was doing, around that time the previous year. Or sometimes it's the previous week, but mostly, it's a reflection of what once was, a year ago in time.

One year ago today, I was living in a different place, with three other people, my best friends. Now, we have since moved apart; we still remain close, now only two of us co-habitate together. Instead of splitting bills and groceries among four of us, we now do for two. Instead of having three best friends at the distance of a hallway, it's now by distance of a phone call, a T ride, or a 3 hour drive. That living situation is one of the happiest memories in my heart. It's not "better" now that we're not all together; every day I miss it. It's different, but a lot of good has come of it too.

Last year at this time I was not single. I was in a relationship that was more serious than it should have been for the time we had been together. I was so involved, so emotionally invested, that I was using my energy on keeping a not so good thing going, because it seemed the right thing to do, rather than using my strength to begin to walk away. Saying goodbye was the right thing to do.

I'm pretty sure this time last year I had more money. Now rent is more, and I have more bills. The overdraft protection currently, although not present last year, is so worth the new things I have gained- which are not just limited to material possessions. So I am more than okay with this.

Last year I lacked the introspection that I have since gained. Today I know myself better than I ever have. I have learned new things about myself through the experiences, relationships, dramas and upsets, successes and disappointments, and change, over the past year.

I used to not like change. It made me feel nervous, and uncomfortable and anxious. Now I've learned, that with change, comes opportunity and growth. Now I don't so much fear it as I do look forward to it, and try to embrace it as much as possible when it happens. I learned to do this because I found I was finally ready to let myself be more open to it. I realized, that I had no other choice. You can resist change all you want, but it isn't going to just go away. I once read a quote: "the only thing that stays the same is change." This has stuck with me. Only I didn't really get it until fairly recently.

By saying goodbye to an unhealthy relationship, moving, experiencing new things, being more independent, being okay with being alone, I have been okay, and happy, with change. I still find it to sometimes be a bit overwhelming, and yeah, even scary at times. I now though, have the past year behind me which has shown me that change, it can be a really, really good thing. If only we are open to letting that change happen.


e.b. said...

Sometimes things change and we don't even realize it. It does not often take extra effort, just life's course. And what is to fear about that?

brookem said...

It's true, things can change without it being that big a deal.

livingcontradiction said...

Change is painful during the change but when it all "changes", isn't it nice to look back and see where you've come from?

A CEO I worked for once told me I needed to know where I came from, where I was and where I was going...He also told me that the knowing where we come from is most important of all...

Ally said...

I kind of struggle with change too; I guess I just feel a bittersweet kind of feeling when I reflect on memories and how things once were. I just can't let myself reflect on the past too much and instead try to stay focused on the present and future.

Anyway, it sounds like you've made some positive changes in your life. So bravo!

Joy said...

OH Brooke, Am I proud of you or what! You rock. *Here's a tissue* and you can borrow my stuffed piggy or my elephant, Ellie if you'd like. They bring me a lot of comfort.

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