she's baaaack

It was that easy breezy beautiful kind of summer. I was 18? Maybe 19. Summer break before Junior Year of college. It was the year I met her, working at the air force base together, my stint as a shredder. Take that literally. I spent half of my day in a room to small to be a room, more like a closet. AC blasting, surrounded by heaps and heaps (for you Egan) of to-be-shredded paper. The other half of the day I spent next to her, in a cube that wasn't really a cube, no divider at least, doing some kind of computer work that I didn't understand, but really actually, emailing each other. Even though we were at an arms length from each other we'd script out lengthy emails about our summer nights with friends, boy friend issues and mishaps, and about what we should order for lunch. A trip to the Dunkin Donuts on base was our daily ritual. Sitting in her old school Buick, we'd make our way to just streets away to fill ourselves up on iced coffees. This was before the Simon and Garfunkel and Oasis renditions. Before we were legally old enough to buy our own booze. It was a time of curfews or rather breaking them, and dating a guy who was older than me that my father thought was too old. I loved life that summer. Work was easy and we were out by 3:30pm. It was when nights were thought to be cool when they were spent in Target's stationary or movie department. We'd go to the mall after, and frequently hit Sully's Ice cream for a frappe on our way home. It was that type of summer that you don't want to end, not that you ever want summers to really end. Going back to school, as exciting as it was to be the year of turning 21, and back to roommates and parties and a free gym, was sad in a way, in a new way. It was the summer I met one of my very best friends. The type you know right then and there will be one of those lifelong friends. Distance like West Virginia to Mass didn't matter then as much as France to Boston-ish hasn't mattered now. You vow to keep in touch with these type of friends because they have worked their way into your heart and you can't possibly imagine losing that link. So you email and call and you do what you gotta do to make it work. The friendship, it works because it's become so much a part of you that without it you'd be missing a piece of yourself that has grown to love this person. So you babysit her fish for nine months. They start out as 35 and she comes home to 5, but that's okay because you tried she says. And at 4:37pm on a Thursday that isn't going so hot, you receive a phone call from her and she's in the same! time! zone! She's home. And just like around this time in 2001, again you've got that feeling that this will be a good summer.

renewing this lease

So tomorrow night is the presentation to the class on blogging. And seriously, lest it seem I've got things under control at this here blog, understanding what's what, throwing up pictures here and there, whipping out a new "profile picture," let me just clarify. I do not. Understand the whole blogging thing fully. I don't get by easy on here. I can post and sometimes even figure out tags!, but really? look at these digs in comparison of some of the new layouts on the block.

The thing is, I don't really care. (I mean about my own "look" changing. I just love all your looks. Seriously. Very trendy and hip.) But about mine. I'm all set. I probably won't change my layout, or server? (is that what it'd be called if I switched to typepad or something?), anytime soon. I'm all for embracing change but dear lord. Not happening with this puppy anytime soon. I mean seriously I just renewed my lease in my apartment another year and that's really all the moving talk I can handle. And even that wasn't a move move. It was an agreement to stay put. Which is what I'm going to be doing here. With blogger. For quite some more time, heat and hot water not included.

So I haven't compiled any handouts like suggested. A one pager with definitions and sites and how to's. But I'll do my best to bust out, to a group of wonderful writers and now new friends, what exactly my idea of a blog is (these poor people!), and how really, this stuff is where it's at.

**UPDATE**
It went just fine tonight. I talked about blogger (represent!), and typepad. Wordpress and blog.com. Indiebloggers and even livejournal?! (Does anyone really use that anymore?) They just asked a couple questions. "Is this the same as myspace?" and "What if someone steals your work and tries to publish it?" All in all it went well. And thank you blogbuds/studs for your good luck wishes!

fragile

Things I know to be true:

-Life is too short

-And not fair

-Tequila and I do not a good combo make

-My mother can always make me smile

-Fish don't live forever

-Neither do loved ones

-And they are often taken away way, way too soon

-Lindsey Lohan is out of control. Seriously.

-You can rarely find flights to the West Coast for as sweet of a deal as I recently did

-Divorce can really complicate things within a family

-Watching someone close to you go through something awful, and not being able to make it better for them is really heartbreaking

-Candles always make things seem a little better for me

-A good dose of sun can do wonders for the soul

-Some people just really want someone to listen. Like the little old lady that I visited tonight.

-The saying "things happen for a reason," as much as I try and use it/believe it/live it, does not always make sense.

relish

There's nothing like a good cookout to kickoff the summer.

Happy Memorial Day!

reason # 737, 738, 739, & 740 on why keeping in contact with an ex is a bad idea:

-because no matter how many times you try and tell yourself that things have changed, a person, really doesn't change. this you know to be true.

-what seems like a good idea at the time will, inevitably end up kicking you in the ass the next day, and for the several days following that.

-it's really not helpful to be reminded of the song that he hears to this day that still reminds him of you.
oh, or to rehash the time at your old apartment, when no one was around, that thing that you two did. that he thinks is so hot, and oh by the way, just so happened to mention to his buddies the other day. really, what the fuck?

-and most importantly:
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

quirkiness

perpetually forgetting if my straightener is turned off
the heart tattoo on my foot that I share with two of my best friends
how I drink milk with everything. pizza, beer, and milk (don't hate).
my propensity to attract men of middle eastern/brazilian decent, particularly who work at dunkin donuts
being known as the girl who will always have the camera
never being able to remember a joke, no matter how hard I laughed or how many times I've heard it
my affinity for men with a good head of hair, and layered clothing. oh, and those that are somewhat musically inclined. and that wear appropriate shoes.
the way I bite my lower lip when I'm nervous
how I prefer shades of blues, bright ones
needing to talk to my mom once a day
how a baby can always brighten my mood. the tops of their heads, and their smell especially.
my need for spontaneity in any type of relationship
my nose ring from junior year of college
jil sander sun as my signature scent (damn that it's discontinued!)
the color fuchsia/muavish & deep pinks
my ability to dish out relationship advice yet still end up constantly questioning my own love life
having to burn a candle and have nice lighting after a hard day
being the "planner" or "starter" of the group
my tendency to favor names with a hard "c" or "k" sound—connor, mkenzie, coley, kirk, kaylee
how I never remember to bring my contact case with me anywhere and therefore have to use makeshift devices for storage. = shot glasses.
always needing lipgloss, and a pen on my person
opting to sit to someone's left. particularly in movie theaters. I turn right.
how I'm prone to sneeze at the sun, and how my blue eyes crave sunglasses always. even in snow. especially around snow.
mixing ½ gatorade, ½ water
how I love greeting cards
swimming, life guarding, swim lessons, and how the water is so me
my aversion to most things seafood related. even though I'm from new england.
my weakness for a good bag of salty frito's, men in uniform. firemen I think especially. okay and cops.
how completely unacceptable and unattractive I find chipping nail polish

this blogging thing and new friendships

You start this blogging thing for yourself. To get your ideas out there, have an outlet for the stuff that floats around in your head, and heart, on a daily basis. I started this bad boy not knowing a whole hell of a lot about how things work here. And now my writing instructor is asking me, go figure?, to explain to the class what the blogging phenomenon is all about.

Which I suppose I could start out by saying what I just did. Why I started, how I feel a sense of community with this whole thing. How it's just a whole nother thing to get your writing out there, in a public forum and kind of let go of stuff, in that way. The support and feedback you get from others through this way. I could talk about how to start a blog, how to funkify it all with headers and all that crazy jazz (which I clearly keep to a basic minimum seeing as how the wordpress switch caused me to need a drink on contact with the mere thought of it). I could talk about the pros and cons of blogging, but what I really, really want to say about it all right now, is the opportunity to meet amazing people through this way.

I knew when I left for my trip to Myrtle Beach last week that I was going to miss this place. Reading about new digs and food gems, vacations in Spain, looming babies and clogged drains, girlie things and shoes, top ten lists, kids birthday parties and facepainting. And I knew I was going to be meeting Brooke, one of my first ever blogging friends, and one of the big reasons this blog that I was starting back in August just felt to totally make sense.

There are those type of friends that you meet in college, or high school even. Those you make an instant connection with, that have seen you through your best and worst times, breakups and breakthroughs. They're the clichéd friends that you would call at 3am on the rare occasion that you aren't already together. These are the ones that I had the luxury of vaca-ing with last weekend. And what a freaking great vaca it was. The weather was to die for, the beach was beautiful, our place was the bomb, it was all just so perfect.

There are the friends I traveled with, and then there are friends of a different type. Ones you don't see often, but when you do it just feels like no time at all has passed. Or maybe you haven't even met yet, but when you do, it just feels so comfortable in a way that you could only hope for. Thank god for blogging for the fact that I met my long lost twin sister. We swear we share DNA. From the name similarities, to the little things we continue to find in common with each other. From our music choices to drink selections. The tv shows we both like, and our affinity for being attracted to the same type of guy (ahem). You know when you just meet someone and it just feels like your paths were meant to cross? As though certain things happened in life to direct you toward each other? Well that's how it felt when I "met" her back several months ago. Through letters and phonecalls I have gotten to know this amazing girl that I cannot come up with enough wonderfullness for. So Saturday when we finally got to meet meet, it didn't surprise me in the least that it just had that real real comfortable, fun, easy feel to it all. The kind of feeling you get when you hang with an old friend, an old comfortable friend. That feeling like everything is just really right and you're happy and like there's no place you'd rather be that with these type of friends. Because they get you and it's just this indescribeable bond.

So in a couple weeks, in my writing class, I'm going to talk about what a blog is and how it all works. How you start one, why it's a good thing, what can suck about it. (Because I am Miss Blog Know How; you can call me that now, thanks.) But what I really want to show love for right now is the amazing group of people I've met through this whole thing. I'm laying on the cheese factor here, I know. I'll stop. I just really like all of this, all of you. And that I got to meet someone I consider one of my closest friends from all of this, well that's just pretty damn sweet.

beach trip

For the next five days, I'll be vaca-ing in sunny Myrtle Beach. Go figure, it's bike week there too. Because that's how me and ma' ladies roll.

I've said that I like me a man in uniform, but not so sure about this look:
HOT BIKER
Hmm.
And also like a good head of hair but this is edging on catching up to my length.
So hot.

Anyway, hope that all you blogbuds of mine have a good weekend! Is it weird that I'm feeling like I'm going to miss this forum, pretty big time?

TV men

Lately I have been thinking about the leading men in the TV shows that I like to watch. I mean, let's face it, I made a list of all the men on TV I sweat, and damnit, there's quite a few! I'm sure I even forgot some.

Some of them are bad asses, which I suppose is their appeal. Some of them are just too good, which would be a turnoff, if they weren't so damn adorable. Some don't even know they're hot. There's the one's who cheats, the guy that blows things up, tries to save the world and/or lives. Those that just want off of the island.

Without further ado (because I know you're dying to know my thoughts on this one) let's do a little rundown, shall we?

24- So Jack Bauer is obviously a badass. He means business and people shut the eff up when he tells them to. He's pretty good looking, right? And more so because of his authority, I think. All he has to do is say his name and the masses will listen. I'd date him. Date. Long term relationship potential isn't so good there. He's too high risk.
Milo just creeps me out. Morris is kind of attractive yet needs to tend to the button down shirt with no tee-shirt underneath situation he has going on. Cover up some, stud. You know this girl likes layering.

Lost- Oh I'm a Sawyer girl damn straight. You thought Jack? Nope, too stuck up lately. Sure Sawyer's killed a couple guys; he's a con artist, just killed Locke's daddy- I'm saying whatever to all of that. I'm down. He's hot and really, what girl wasn't turned on by that initial scene of him and Kate getting it on?
Jack's lost my interest. I liked him more as Charlie on Party of Five (you know you loved that show too). He's too cocky. In a way that turns me off. And I guess he's into Juliet. Whatever.
Jin seems kind of sweet though right? He's killed some people too. Little bit of a language barrier we'd have ourselves there. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing either. Hmm. Attractive, but probably not a good match.

The Hills- Oh yeah, I'm going there. Only to say that both leading guys suck. Spencer, well that speaks for itself. Complete ass. Not even attractive. Jason reminds me too much of a guy I once dated, and he keeps getting arrested. It would never work.

Grey's Anatomy- Really, I think they're all swell to look at. But beyond that? There's really nothing there I'd totally go for. George is growing on me, yet he's married (although that doesn't seem to have phased him in the past). Seems like a really good friend type.
Dreamy... eh, not sure. Good looking enough. Knows it though. And really, Meredith is so freaking whiny; if that's what he's into, then a good match he and I would NOT make. Burke is very attractive. A little into himself, but I think that may work for me. Alex, eh. Been there done that type of guy. All set.

Sex and the City- I know it's over, but come on, did you think I wouldn't go there?
Aidan well he's pretty much the package right there. I'm digging that shit. I like his job, his height, his hair. His wanting to wait to sleep with Carrie. How he's a homebody. His dog Pete. All good things. My top choice by far.
Berger. Funny, right? Totally dig that. Seems to have some ex issues. And the post it note breakup situation. Lord help him. I reward him no points, and may God have mercy on his soul. (big bonus points to a blogbuddy who can name that movie reference!)
Big. Attractive. Perpetually unavailable though, huh? Or available at the wrong time. Been here too. These relationships have that indescribable appeal to them. I don't know, not sure about this one, long term.
And sweet Steve. The underdog right? Very funny, silly. A little too silly, sometimes. But cute, and sweet. And just loves Miranda. To death. Which is really, very very endearing. I think he'd make a good husband. Not necessarily seeing it happening though for me. (I love how I'm acting as though I'm on the Bachelorette, choosing, like for real, marriage... with a tv character.)

And just for a back in the day reference, Felicity.
Because I loved Ben. Very attractive. Sweet. Really into her, big time. Rough around the edges and I like that. Good hair. Hot.

Lastly, a show I watched only an episode of because clearly I have enough shows to keep up with already....
October Road- I don't even know his name on the show, but know he's hot. Definition of a guy I'd be into. Totally. All I know is that he's good looking and dresses well. That's all I know and I'll go on that.

So there's my rundown of prime time tv's leading men that I'm into. Basically I'd like an Aidan, with a side of Ben and Sawyer, dressed like the guy whose name I don't know, with a Burger sense of humor, a Steve sweetness, a Jack Bauer assertiveness, and a George innocence/friend quotient. I don't think that's too much to ask for. This is my game after all.

on those girl crushes...

After writing the post the other day on girl crushes, I surveyed a few more of my friends (still working on the guys), and here's a gem of a quote from my good friend B:

"I would have to say someone I know...it would be my friend Lauren's sister in law. She is a lawyer, very smart, very classy, always put together, always looks perfect, but not snooty and stuck up, a runner, has a golden retriever, and is married to Lauren's brother who is like a child in a 30 year old man's body...so that makes her all the more normal for a rich lawyer who lives in Alexandria, Virginia. I can only hope I'm that confident and put together someday!"

It's like rain on your wedding day

Even if you are coupled up, you can imagine this. I know you can get this scene. Because even when you're coupled, you remember your single times. Nights spent in bars surrounded by your friends and/or random couples all over each other, ohsohappily in love. RSVPing as a single to a wedding because you certainly aren't going to bring the person you're just casually dating (or doing whatever with), to your Uncle's wedding. You remember these times. They were big parts of your single years, so I know you'll get this.

Tonight I was all around couples and love and engagements and happiness. First it was dinner with a college friend who has apparently found happiness with Mr. Long Distance Man. Sure long distance isn't ideal, but for them it is working because it has to, for now. And she seems happy, and they're cute in their posted pictures online, and all seems really so good.

Later in the evening it was at one of my dearest friend's new condo. With her fiance. I'm in this wedding one year from now, and really, I couldn't be happier for them. He's just about one of the greatest guys ever, and she deserves that, truly. I just love this girl to pieces and she deserves this happiness.

So in I walk with my 18 pack of Coors Light, bust right into that and they're going down like water on this humid night, and I begin chatting with my dear friend's sister. Who I'm also friends with. Who, what do you know, is also engaged. And she seems happy, and they're giggly as he's tickling her and she's showing me her gorgeous ring and that's really fine as I reach for more Sunchips.

Oh and now I'm hearing wedding bells actually ringing as happy in love couple number three comes in. Also engaged. On to the next beer I realize, as I hear, "do you have a date" tossed among happily coupled up partners, that I am the only single in a group of 7. This doesn't totally phase me, I even chuckle a bit to the thought of this scenario as chug another sip. Truth be told, I'm neither ecstatic or depressed about it all. It's the facts and I'm having a good time and so it goes. I am that friend that can mix well in these situations and damn it I'm happy for these people.

And for single to slap me in the face just a few more times, let's discuss the ride home. First it was getting lost, and ending up in the exact neighborhood, pretty spot on to the guy who ever so casually blew me off a few weeks ago. And that's as fine as can be, because it's a breezy night and Van Morrison is blaring and really what bad mood comes from Van Morrison? None I tell you. Things are fine.

And then it's the truck that pulls up right next to me. The same exact truck that an ex from years, long long time ago years, drove to a wedding that we once attended. And left to get freaky yo', in the back of that beast. And so my friends now joke, "when the truck's a rockin..."

Still fine, and when three men pull right up next to me now in motorcycles, the same one that a certain far off friend took me for a ride on this summer, I'm really pulled together and feeling great and loving life, like totally.

And I make it home, pull in the driveway, and now I'm just feeling like bed is screaming my name. And it's hot and it's humid and fuck I dropped my keys. Where's the damn hallway light? My contacts need out. I need in, my bed. Right now. I feel like my drive home soundtrack should have been Alanis Moorisette's Ironic even though I don't even like her music, it's just fitting right? Instead it's more of the Coldplay variety which is fine, swell really, but perhaps a little too mellow. And when I accidentally hit 96.1 and get Delilah I just about throw up in my mouth a little.

So I get inside, slip into this new ditty I got to wear to bed. And I never, I mean pretty freakin rarely, do I sign online anymore. And the clincher of all of this, after months of time to move on, even more than a year really, is getting an IM from that ex. Really because why not wrap it all up with a conversation with him, right? Because on a night like this, it all seems to just have that way of not surprising me in the freaking least.

I Am From

I am from Maine, and am often called a maniac
I am from two parents who think I'm pretty damn special (read: an only child)
I am from the 80's
I am from a full kitchen, clean clothes, and a warm bed
I'm from big hair, stone washed jeans, scrunchies, leg warmers, and snap bracelets
I am from family cookouts, Irish bread, American Chop Suey and boiled dinners
I am from a cottage at the beach
I'm from Fourth of July cookouts, and shopping at Trading Posts
I am from the Friday Night Lineup/TGIF of Full House, Family Matters, Boy Meets World, and Step by Step
I am from carefree summers, life guarding by a pool
I am from four grandparents, all still alive today
I am from the school of thought that kids should eat their veggies and drink milk with dinner
I am from please and thank you
I'm from a swing set in the backyard, not the fancy kind, and my childhood bike that was stolen
I am from tea and Manhattans
I am from games of Go Fish, Solitaire, War, and Poker
I'm from The Price is Right, Wheel of Fortune, and Jeopardy
I am from uniforms until grade six, nuns too
I am from baking, and Christmas carols
I am from an Irish family, compassion for others, and corn beef
I am from setting the table, sharing, and a canopy bed
I'm from any excuse to celebrate, birthday parties for pets, and leaf raking parties included
I am from skin that freckles within five minutes of sun exposure, and burns hell of a lot too
I am from permed hair, and overly hair sprayed bangs
I'm from biting my lips, eating when stressed, and hiding m&m's in my pockets
I am from a long line of worriers, and I'm pretty bad
I am from a Catholic college, and beer pong in the quad
I am from my mother, my best friend, who I tell everything
I'm from my dad who I share the same hands and feet with, whose little girl I will always be
I am from homemade apple pies, make-your-own Sundays, and homemade chocolate chip cookies, from scratch
I'm from a childhood that's had more ups than downs, more good times than bad, more laughs than tears, that's made me who I am today.

watermelon

is the color of new new blog theme.

i've always loved a good green/pink combo. the other one before this had it, but i figured, you know, for may/spring/my bday weekend, i'd spruce it up a bit.

and here you have it.
happy weekend!

Girl Crush

Listening to the radio this morning on my way into work, the dj's were talking about how Blake and Chris seem to have a little man love going on. Apparently Chris has said that he'd "go home" for Blake. And they really seem to have quite the tight friendship going on. The dj's were saying it's pretty much a BFF, teenage girl thing they got going. This got me thinking…

About girl crushes.

Girl Crush
Feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl. A nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level.
Related to boy crush.
(urbandictionary.com)

In college, there was this one girl who I referred to as my "girl crush." She was this really tall girl, long brown hair. Whenever I saw her, she'd be laughing and smiling. I always saw her seeming happy and positive. This girl knew how to have fun, and she was also intelligent. She could pound beers with the rest of us, yet still make it to her 8am class looking sassy and refreshed. She had a core group of friends that she hung with, and whether it was a class we had together, or running into each other at the gym, she was always real friendly. Nice. Never not smiling. And we didn't even really know each other. She was just a friendly, warm person. And I had a girl crush on her.

So this was all in a very non sexual type way, obviously. Clearly I'm
wicked hot for very much into the male gender. So women have girl crushes. I wonder, do men understand this? Seems to me when I've mentioned a girl crush to a guy friend before, they go wild with makeout, porno wild, sexual fantasies. Asking questions of whether I've ever madeout with a girl? And would I? Do I like boobs? And have you and your roommate ever kissed?

But it's not about that. A girl crush, to me, it's not about that kinda thing at all. Yes, if I was to go for a girl, I'd probably pick a girl crush of mine. Usually they exude a vibe I'd be into, if I was, into girls. To me, a girl crush is based on a level of attraction, a vibe they give off. Usually my girl crushes demonstrate a sense of confidence, intelligence, beauty, and kindness. And it's about the way a girl presents herself. Carries herself. For me, she's classy and down to earth. It's not about wanting to shag her, it's just about a sense of admiration more than anything. You know, it's about qualities I admire in someone else.

Like Charlize Theron. Or Jen Aniston (we're on a nickname basis, her and I). Both attractive women, no doubt, and both just give off a good vibe. Two definite girl crushes.

And I know that guys have man crushes too. They probably aren't as open to talking about it as women are. Maybe they get weirded out by it? Feel less, manly?, talking about it? Then again, I had an ex who was obsessed with some wrestling champion guy (I won't say his full name on here, lest he google search him and opps?, happen upon my blog). But clearly, there we had a very serious guy crush situation going on . Perhaps a little too extreme.

Anyway! So...

Ladies, who are your girl crushes?
And guys? C'mon. We know you have them, let's hear it.

May

Have you ever started writing something, on a topic you wanted to write about, thought, "oh this a good blog would make!," and yet, when it comes right down to it, it's not making a good blog? The writing is turning out choppy and run-ony. You find you're using too many puns, too much cliché, and the point of what you really wanted to say, is just totally lost. At least it's not evident in your writing. You strive to write evocative things. Like that time you busted out something in your writing class that people gave really good feedback on. You want to write, because it's been days, but you're finding you're hitting backspace more often than not, and highlighting whole sentences and going for delete on contact.
So you end up not writing, on your blog at least, for a day or two, or a few days, sometimes a week. Because whenever you try to write, you get the feeling something is missing. Or maybe that's just how you felt about the last guy you were dating. Things seem confusing and the idea of writing about you being an only child just seems altogether dumb now. So you paint your nails, shop online and buy a new pair of shoes, and come back. To the computer, or your journal. Because sometimes you find when you write not at your computer but at your favorite Barnes and Noble, in your journal, things come easier to you. A different kind of flow there. Especially when you can do some people watching. So you try that, but still, it's all seeming hard and tough and that's not how this writing thing you love so much should feel like.
So you think that maybe you're mind is just a little too full right now. With birthday plans, boy or lack thereof uncertainty, which two Idols will be booted tonight, why it's so freezing in your office, etc. So you decide that perhaps this just isn't happening, not today at least. And you know you can't really force it. Tomorrow is a new day, and it's May now, a good month, so things will happen. More writing will happen soon because it's May, and you like May.