Monday, June 25, 2007

sneaking in

We fought. Argued. So often. We'd bicker, and I hated it. Especially before bed. You didn't want to talk about the fight the next morning. I did. I wanted answers. Why did we keep doing this? Mustn't this be a sign? You said that all couples fought. And I refused to believe that. You said I overreacted, calling me selfish for wanting to talk about it because you said you were done with the conversation. And "how could I" not accept that. I told you I wasn't being selfish. That I just wanted a plan. To work on, or towards. To make this get better. Not knowing for sure if it really ever could, get better.

I was sad. Upset. And discouraged. Thinking, wondering, is this as good as it gets? This? This is what it's like? And I began to think maybe I was overreacting. I began to cherish the good, lived for the good of it all, of us. Those few and far between good times, amidst all of the turmoil. I would apologize, over and over, for making you upset. Actually believing that it was my fault.

You said you never felt this strongly for someone before. Couldn't picture life without me. You, we, we pictured a family together. Marriage and a house and children and a puppy.

We would have our happy times. Takeout on the floor over candlelight. Ice skating hand in hand on a cold winter day. Then, inevitably, it would go back. Back to bad. To yelling and drinking and tears in the bathroom, or over chai tea at a Starbucks with a girlfriend down the road on a bad night.

Using all of the emotional strength I could muster up, I tried. Over and over to make it all work. Make it better. Make us better. Tried, with all I could, to make us the happy couple that I hoped we could be. I wanted so badly for us to just be happy together. I thought I could do that could be us.

It didn't work. After a while, it all ended up being much, much more actual work, to make us work, than it was worth. I loved you with everything I had, and pulled the hardest move I've ever had to make when I told you I couldn't do it anymore. When I said goodbye.

It's been a long time since all of that. I don't think about you as often as I once did. But I still do sometimes. And it's sneaky. It sneaks up on a warm sunny Sunday afternoon in the summertime. When I'm not doing anything we ever did together, I'll think of you then. And it will throw me for a loop. We never had a summer. I'll be on a bike ride, or eating homemade salsa at a friend's house, and you'll be there. Not physically, but you're there. And it will hit me like a ton of freaking bricks. It creeps in. You, creep in. You end up in my thoughts, just like that, and sometimes in my dreams. Into my mind at a random moment.

And maybe there are some triggers, who knows. Seeing your friend, who is dating my friend. Me, meeting a new guy. Hearing a song on the radio that reminds me of you, of us. But sometimes, there you are, again, all of a sudden. With no rhyme or reason to it all, you're back. And I don't even see it coming. The bag and box of you and your things, your reminders, the notes and cards, our pictures and your boxers, they're all stowed away. Gone are the physical reminders of you.

But those emotional reminders, those damn emotional reminders, that have a way of getting in, unexpectedly, they go, and they stick right to my heart. And then I feel it, and I feel you, like a little twinge from time to time. A reminder maybe. Of a time when. What once was. What is so different now, today. Of where I've been and where I've come.

You're still there. Here. Sometimes more than others. Often it's nothing. Sometimes it's really intense, pulling, abruptly at my heart.


I miss you sometimes, and I don't really want to anymore.

29 comments:

appletini said...

It really sucks when those memories sneak up on you when you DON'T want them to.
Wouldn't it be nice to just have a shut of switch in our head that we could push and all memory is gone? :)

Airam said...

Yup .. been there. Know exactly what you mean. And I still go through this from time to time. I don't know what to say other than the cliche "it gets easier with time" because it really does. My thoughts of him still remain but that twinge (you know) ... that goes away. And you'll be able to think of him without longing for him.

B said...

when you start thinking " is this as good as it gets" time to get a move on for sure

egan said...

I think this post had to have a rather bittersweet feeling to it. I'm glad you're able to write this kind of stuff about your life. It will make things in future relationships much easier. Good for you for putting this out there Brookem. I like the separation of physical and emotional reminders. Nicely done.

egan said...

Ditto what b said on the "as good as it gets thing". It sounds like you're just too kind, and yes that's possible.

2xA+r0n said...

How come you haven't found a new boytoy yet? :P

Bre said...

Ack! Those memories are so hard and hurtful to deal with sometimes. It's less than fair all around.

JustRun said...

I understand that all too well. I dont' want to "miss" anything about that and yet, for some stupid reason, the memories come in. I'm sure there's a reason for it, but hell if I know what it is.

Beth said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've been there and I guess I'm actually there right now.

I hated it when he told me that he was done with talking about the problems when I still had so much to say and to figure out. And I remember thinking, "Is this all there is? Surely it gets better."

I know that intense pulling at your heart that you describe so well. I could actually feel your pain as I was reading this. I hate that sometimes it still hurts for you. But I truly feel that one day someone will come along and take all that pain away. For you and me both. We just have to find the boy with the right glass slipper to fit our feet!

undercover celebrity said...

On a conscious level I know that everyone goes through love and heartbreaks -- but I secretly believe that the love and heartbreaks I feel are unique. Surely, no one has ever felt love with the same intensity I have. I remember saying to Mark at one point, "I don't think I'm capable of loving anyone else like I love you" --

--and your post, I could have written it (probably wouldn't have sounded as great, but the story would have been the same)... and somehow I find it refreshing to know that someone else has had the same insane feelings and the same crushed heart... and sometimes thinks they miss all the madness -- though I couldn't tell you why...

anyway, thanks for sharing such sincerity!

Desiree said...

This was a beautifully written piece... you are a talented writer... not all bloggers have the gift. ;) It sounds like you had a bit of a 'The Notebook' romance...

The Diva's Thoughts said...

Wow! I have so been here.

Michelle said...

Yup, I'm still getting those too...twinge, nostalgia, and all. But it'll go away. Both with time and eventually with a new man :) Best of luck

brookem said...

appletini- truly, that's when it's the worst. one thing when im sitting down wallowing in the thick of it all, when im ready for it. but to catch me off guard in say, a staff meeting on a tuesday morning at 9am? not cool for my eyes to tear up as im asked, "how was your training the other day?" riiiiight. it would be freaking sweller (is that a word, actually?) than ever to have a shut off switch. let's invent.

airam- i do believe also, that it gets easier with time. i wonder though, when's it end? how long is too long? my overanalytical self thinks about this (and brandy and i talked about it too). ah, i dont know. but it's nice to hear your experience with it too.

b- you are probably right. in the throws of it (uh, literally and figuratively), that is sometimes harder to see. you know, the big picture thing. although in most aspects of my life i have that capability, seeing it in this situation was often tough. probably why i should have been blogging back then, huh?

egan- it is bittersweet, good call. where on the one hand i am glad to be so far removed from the whole thing (physically), i still find so often that it's very close to my heart, and wonder, have i really, really gotten past this? but i do agree, thinking about it and getting it out, will (hopefully) help down the road.

egan- and ditto what i said to b. and thank you. perhaps that can be the case sometimes. i just hated seeing him hurting, even if he was hurting because i was breaking up with him for hurting me. it's a vicious cycle.

brookem said...

aaron- no luck lately. haven't been really feeling it either.

bre- i know it! life isn't fair, i guess that's one truth.

justrun- i dont exactly know either. sometimes i think it happens to help work through some of it all. other times im just not too sure.

beth- and i hate that he did that to you. you deserve so much better than that. may you find someone that will embrace all of your wonderfulness. you deserve the best.

undercover celeb- i do the same thing sometimes. i guess at some point, we all deal with this stuff. it's just part of life. i try to believe that sometimes you just need to meet a few wrong someones to be able to recognize the right someone when they come along.

desiree- thank you so much for the compliment. it means a lot! i always feel that way about your writing.

the diva's thoughts- i guess we all have! im sensing a trend here!

michelle- that's the hope!

Chris said...

I miss you too bubble. Oh, wait, wrong blog, wrong response....

I mean... Seriously, I feel ya. There are people in my life that I haven't seen in years but hey remain a very real part of me. Sometimes I allow my mind to wander and wonder, but most times I put it all into perspective and realize that the past was the gateway to the present.

radioactive girl said...

I love that you could write about such real feelings. I have felt them too, and it would be really nice if there were a way to turn the feelings off when we finish with the person, but I think part of learning and growing is to remember just those things. Even if it is things you wish you could not think about. This comment seems rambly, and disconnected, so if you only understand one part of it, make it this part: I loved the entire post. It was beautiful and so true.

brookem said...

chris- bubble, is that you???
you made me laugh chris, thank you for the comment. i like the idea of the past as a gateway to the present.

radioactive girl- i do understand what you're saying, and it's so true. i think it's important to remember both the good and bad of relationships past. if there was no good to remember, then what was the time for anyway? and thank you so much for your kind words.

Trixie said...

dang those memories... they are like a ticking time bomb, lying dormant until poof! you hear a song, you smell a certain scent, you pass by your old hang out...

cherish the memories but dont forget why it did not work out.

remember, the best is yet to come! :)

Airam said...

Hey thatnks for the info!! I'm getting lots of emails!

Get Trished said...

Every time I am reminded of that ex, I just try to remember the bad. That yes, there were really fantastic times, but there were really awful times. And it's those awful times that I have to remember, or I'll go crazy. Especially when I found out he was getting married. And I felt like I had missed something, why wasn't I the one he was marrying? And then I had to remember why HE wasn't the one I was marrying...

m said...

hey... i know exactly how you feel. i've been there. it sucks. it took me a long time to not feel that way, and the irony of it all is that the only real way to truly be "over" it is to fall for someone else- someone better for you- while these thoughts/feelings/whatevers are a part of why maybe you haven't been meeting many good new prospects. it's a vicious cycle.
keep an open mind. put out positive vibes. i know you're good at that. i know it's so hard to do, but really, i know this for a fact, that when you do have your next meaningful relationship, you'll think back to mr. last year and think to yourself, "and what, again, was so great about him? the guys i date keep improving...this is great!" and it's another way to know what's important to you, and what you DON'T want in a guy.
mr. last year was very worth it, and you should not regret one minute with him. but remember that when you miss him, you miss the idea of him, the guy he COULD have been- not the guy he is.
i heard all of this advice when i was in your position, and it just sounded like a bunch of crap you say to someone to make them feel better. but i beleive that you'll really feel it someday soon. you deserve a man that will treat you like the kind, thoughtful, beautiful, dependable, funny, outgoing, positive person you are. belive that.
like you-know-who always tells me, "do what you feel like doing, when you feel like doing it (like a triathalon!), and look around." those are the kind of people and the kinds of things that will open you up to all sorts of great things, and maybe even mr. next time...who i guarantee will be amazingly better than the last one.
love you. xoxo

brookem said...

trixie- thanks so much for your suggestions. the best is yet to come, i do believe that to be true.

airam- woot! im excited!

m- wow. way to get me to cry right here at my desk at work! (in a good, good way). you sneaky thang you. you are such a wonderful, amazing, person and SUCH a great best friend. truly, i dont know what i would do without you. i know that you saw this whole relationship take its course, and you can understand what i am saying. you offer some great advice here, which does NOT seem like crap, i do know it to be true. i feel a bit silly, thinking how long ago this relationship ended, and seeing that i still feel this way. ah, well, we all have our little setbacks. i guess it's just part of life.
thank you so much for being there for me in so many ways. you mean the world to me.

Rambler said...

Does it always need to end up this painful? in this much hatred?

ruby said...

Don't you wish it was as easy as to put the emotional reminders away as it is the physical ones? Into a box, in the back of the closet. I don't believe that he, that relationship, is as good as it gets because you are an awesome girl and you deserve great things and you shall have them!

e.b. said...

I have been thinking about this and I get it - but the thing is that this happens all the time with everything. All memories creep in and send you little reminders of nostalgia. Good and bad, no matter where you are. I still have those moments and pangs of exes and things we did together. It doesn't really stop and then I realized it happens with everything - friends, vacations, families, school. It is just a nice reminder of where you have been and all that has happend both positive and negative. The best you can do is roll with it.

brookem said...

rambler- there isn't any hatred here. my intention was not for it to come accross that way at all. i also don't think it "always" ends up like this. i have other exes, relationships, where the experience was the polar opposite of this ending.

ruby- yes, i do wish! right now they are in the trunk of my car. i needed them even further than the closet. far enough away so that on the middle of the night or after a couple cocktails on a saturday, im not tempted to look through it all. and thank you.

eb- i totally agree. it happens everyday with even little things. friends, old jobs, school, etc. and all you can do is learn from it and roll, just like you said. you so smart.

Melissavina said...

Sucks. It really does.
I've wanted so badly to erase someone from my heart, but then again, I wouldn't be the person I am now without having had them in my life.

So it's a catch 22.

Not that you could do anything about it.

Sucks.

ARM said...

Will it ever really go away, though? Will we ever forget? Those reminders you speak of? I still get them after 10 years and I've never talked to him since that last time.