Ouch

Once I was a good twenty minutes into it, I couldn't distinguish what it was that I was crying about. I mean, I knew what I was upset about, but the tears only really started, after I had so carelessly slammed the top of my head on my dresser as I was putting some clothes away.

Funny how all it takes is something really little to get you going, when you know a good meltdown is on it's way.

It's my mom's voice too. Of course it's also seeing her in person, coming at me to wrap her arms around me when she knows I'm upset, but it's even just her voice. Hearing her voice on the phone, after a bad day, if I've been holding it all inside, that will do it. I will inevitably, lose it. And I'll pretend it's not happening. That the water is boiling, that I have another call, that I just have a tickle in my throat, no I'm not crying, I'm fine. I won't let her hear the actual quiver in my voice. It's not that I'm ashamed of it, or as if I won't tell her when we talk today. It's just that the more I hear her voice, the harder it will get for me to hold back the tears that are on their way. Hard to keep it under wraps.

Not that I have to keep it under wraps. But I was trying to. At least for an hour or two. I held it back when I found out, when S told me. Because then, that wasn't the time or place. I was in the car, it was raining, I needed to focus. No crying. I came home, tried to just do my thing, to avoid thinking about it. I couldn't help it; I did think about it, a lot. At that point though, I didn't feel like crying; I had no tears ready. I was numb. I was feeling hurt, angry, humiliated, and frustrated. I had a zillion emotions, running, crazy wild through my mind. But I remember feeling surprised that I wasn't crying then. It just wasn't happening.

Until I slammed my head. And fuck, that really, really hurt. I slammed my head as I was getting up, on the corner of my bureau, and for the love of Jesus God, it killed. T heard me yell. She asked if I was okay; I said yes. It's her voice too. It started. Her asking me, her caring voice, my pounding head and my aching heart, it all started, then and there.

It's a simple thing like that, and it will do it. And it had me, curled in a ball on my bed, using my teddy bear's paw to wipe my eyes. The tears just kept coming. Part of it I had done to myself. My head really ached. The other part, was beyond my control at that moment in time. It wasn't something I could have been less careless about, so as not to have my heart be aching right then, like my head was, it just happened. It has been a bit of a long time coming, and I knew that when it did, it might not be pretty.

It is a combination of physical and emotional pain. My head still hurts today, and so does my heart. I prefer the first hurt, the kind I can actually put my hands on, that will soon subside, to the intangible hurt, that's deep within, that's so very hard to mend.