Wednesday, April 11, 2007

tell me the reason and make it better

Today I'm fidgety. I'm nervous and I feel a little off centered. I feel butterflies and my palms are sweaty. I keep drinking tons of water, and I want chocolate, lots of it. I feel a little nauseous, and I want to be tucked under my covers, with Oprah on my tv. I keep playing with my earrings like I do, when I'm nervous or overthinking about something. I feel off.

I have no real, good, certifiable reason for this feeling. It's out of the blue and it's weird. And it reminds me of the days when my ex and I used to fight, or be in an argument first thing in the morning, about some stupid something, and then it would all seep into my workday. And all day, my mind just could not gain any type of focus. I felt similar to how I do today, back then. Nervous and panicky. I little bit sick. Not totally right.

But there's no fighting. There's no arguments, no discourse. My ex and I haven't talked, I'm not upset, there's nothing wrong. There's no reasonable explanation for this feeling. And I hate that. I need a reason.

I've had two really good dates with my guy friend. That one a couple weeks ago, with the martinis and the adult conversations. Then last night… dinner and chilling at his place. He's all sorts of very nice, funny, and comfortable to be around, complimentary and cute. All those things, he's got all of that. Good, quality things.

And I can't pick out anything wrong. But my overanalytical self just can't seem to help but try to. Why do I do this? Why do I find the need to pick things apart? Tear a good date apart to find something wrong? I'm searching, looking, needing there to be something, but there isn't. Everything has been going so well. I'm happy when I'm with him, he makes me smile, and laugh. The pace is just right. A good, healthy, normal, nice pace. There's not calls and texts and emails all over the place. I don't feel smothered. I feel excited upon the idea of seeing him. Want to see him. Want to plan dates. I am attracted to him.

Maybe it's that I'm used to doing the single thing for so long? This is just the newness and adjustment to it? But what, with a new, good relationship, I am supposed to feel a little bit sick? Off balance? Nervous like this?

Is it that I'm not used to this? In my last relationship, the beginnings consisted of no such dating. No dinner dates, cocktails, getting to know you's. None of that stuff. It was all very intense, very fast, and boom, we were a couple. A serious couple and then it was deep. We were in deep, and it was all so fast. So much emotion, so fast. Too much. Too soon.

Maybe I'm just not used to this. This nice treatment, by a genuine guy? Someone that makes me laugh and that I have actually had good dates with, that leave me looking forward to more? Well that's all a good thing. It should be. It is. But why then, do I feel like I need to find something, something not right? How come the feeling of a little bit off?
What in the hell is my deal? Isn't this totally mad? That I should be feeling this way? With such a good new prospect? Does this mean something deeper? Am I making this into some crazy big deal when I should just be going with the flow and saying fuck it, and just being in the moment? Why is there the nervousness, the butterflies and the uncertainty, and the overfreakinganalyzing?

Why do I do this? Can't I just enjoy a good thing? This is a good thing. Come on!

21 comments:

Carrie said...

Coming from someone still in shock after meeting a true and honest gentleman? Feeling off is totally normal.. and such a shame. We ought to feel 'off' when someone treats us poorly instead of nicely.

Not to say that a day tucked under the covers with chocolate and Oprah is a bad thing... Maybe throw in a bit of shopping and it could be a perfect lazy Wednesday!

Jennifer said...

I felt the same way when I met my husband. After so many turds it's weird to find someone good.

Thanks so much for your kind comments at my blog today!

Princess Extraordinaire said...

It's hard for you to believe he could be so nice and be true about his feelings for you - go with it and don't be so hard on yourself - remember you deserve everything wonderful!

Airam said...

I'm sorry but I can't help but chuckle at how frustrated you sound and not knowing what you should be frustrated about!!! It's very endearing ...

What are some things that you do to de-stress?? Maybe you can do something like that? And in the meantime enjoy the beginning stage of this relationship ... every relationship starts differently and I think that the slower it starts the longer it's bound to last.

brandy said...

I felt the same way recently but it was because I was on holidays. You are feeling fidgety because of a great guy. Holiday time, great guy, what difficult burdens we shoulder! I'm surprised anyone has managed to evoke any sympathy for us at all! :)

Clare said...

It doesn't sound odd at all and really is quite normal by the sounds of it.

Chocolate always does the trick :).

egan said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I think you're just warming up to the guy. I wouldn't put too much thought into it otherwise. Now if after a few more of these dates you're going through the same emotions, we'll have to revisit the issue. Just exhale and have fun.

brookem said...

phew, you guys made me feel so much better. thank you.

and thanks for commenting on my damn freakish nervousness.

LaLa said...

This reminds me of that 'Sex & The City' episode (are you a fan?) and she's seeing Aidan, but finds herself so unnerved by the lack of drama.

I think we've become so used (or at least I have) to guys shitting all over me (not literally, of course), that when a decent guy actually comes along, you find yourself waiting for the ball to drop.

Gah, did this make a lick of sense? It's like 3 in the morning and my brain is mush.

e.b. said...

Stop thinking about it - you will miss the good stuff. Relax and breathe it all in.

Kimberly said...

I agree with Jennifer - I had the same feeling when I met Mark. It's nice to take things at a turtle pace sometimes especially when you've gotten burned by the too-fast too-soon stuff. But you have to manage the butterflies - I try to do it by going for a run, spending time with girlfriends, all that normal stuff that keeps me from getting totally lost in the other person!

Ruby said...

I think you were right with the 'be in the moment' and maybe it's just time you need. And chocolate. And possibly shopping and a manicure.

Trixie said...

Perhaps, you are just nervous since this is someone that you clearly see that has potential is a nice genuine guy you could really like and who will treat you right.

Also I think there was a SATC episode where Carrie and the girls were analyzing their relationships and they felt weird that there was no drama in the current relationship (Aidan?) because in past relationships there was always drama so this no drama feeling was something they were not used to.

In any case, it's good to blog about it to get the jitters out of your system and be able to enjoy the ride with mr genuine. :)

undercover celebrity said...

I wish you lived closer -- you could come hang out with me and my roommate -- we are both going through the SAME thing right now. It's so hard to trust someone new who seems so great.

Here's what I told roomie just last night: You may be so used to there being drama in a relationship that when there isn't any it freaks you out so you create your own. You HAVE to let that go or you may ruin a great new relationship.

Best of luck, it sounds like you two are well suited for each other! :)

Adam said...

If it makes you feel any better... he's probably feeling awkward and off-centered too. If you felt centered aka "normal"... it would probably indicate that he's just a normal guy (in your eyes). If he's make you feel off-center, that because he's not a normal guy, maybe its something more.

So, I sit on the other side of the fence (being a guy). I've had similar feelings. Awkwardness, nervousness, etc. So, he's probably feeling the same way you are.

Also I just want to say, and I hope this doesn't come off as negative, its just a word-of-warning:
don't get too "emotionally involved" yet. Even a guy like me can be witty and charming for 2 dates, but after a while... some of us deteriorate :-)

Jessica said...

Darling, I feel like that every day.

I'm always nervous, It's never quite right. Even when I am head over heels.

Of course I'm crazy so maybe this doesn't make you feel better. Sorry, carry on.

B said...

in your first paragraph you were describing how I feel during that time of the month LOL

girl - just relax and do something nice for yourself, ride your emotions, I agree with clare eat some chocolate or something like that.

Melissavina said...

I feel like sometimes I'm a jedi and I just sense a disturbance. I know exactly what you're talking about here, but I'm more intense about it. When this happens to me I totally go with it, stress out over the fact that something MUST be wrong, and then I sabotage things with my compulsive overfixing. Nice, huh?
But the Oprah and chocolate is childsplay, I can't rest or lay still when I feel like you do.

I hope it all worked out, I realize this post was a while ago. Have a great weekend with more good martinis and conversation!!

acaligurl said...

its your intuition! trying to tell you something! not sure what, only you will know.
i hope it goes away soon!

k.r.i.s.t.e.n. said...

i get like this too. and you're right, it's tough to get the anxiety to go away. i used to get like that a lot when i first moved to ny, but then i learned how to control it and not let it get in the way of my day. i'm sure you're feeling relaxed by now after your vaca!

m said...

I feel you, hun. I'm not as attracted if they aren't just a little bit quirky or bad boyish. I'm retraining to like good boys :)