places, and drinks

I want to be sitting by the ocean right now, with my ipod on, with my feet in the sand, the sun blazing down on me, with a frozen drink in my hand.
Or I want to be in a cabin, in the middle of the mountains, with a cozy fire going, a big wool sweater on, and a hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps in my hand.
I also wouldn't mind being on Lake Tahoe, on a boat, going around the lake, with the wind breezing through my long hair, music playing, with a coors light in my hand.
Maybe on a frozen pond, wearing mittens, holding hands with someone, laughing because we aren't the best skaters but we're having a blast, sipping a tazo chai.
I'd like to be at a black tie party, in a sexy black dress, with my hair up, the perfect accessories and shoes, a new perfume, and a martini in my hand.
I wish I were babysitting the kids I used to years ago, going outside with them, building a snowman, coming inside and baking homemade cookies, with a tall glass of milk in my hand.
I'd like to be in front of the tv, watching Grey's Anatomy, with my best friends, under a blanket, in comfy clothes, with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'd like to be in bed, under high thread count sheets, with a good man, with playful laughter and longing glances, hair sweeping gestures and morning breath, and two cups of french vanilla coffee.
I'd like to be celebrating the new year, with those that mean the most to me, with new years paraphernalia, steamers, sparkles, and a glass of champagne in my hand.
I'd be happy to be at the mall, shopping at Crate and Barrel, and Express, with no lines, and sales, sipping an Orange Julius.
I'd like to be somewhere far away from here, where I've never been, exploring new things, and new people, with a drink I've never had in my life in my hand.

35 years from now

At first I thought the goosebumps were from the window that I had cracked open while I was drying my hair this morning getting ready for holiday festivities. But as I heard Merideth Viera telling the story of this precious group of ladies and their annual holiday tradition, I realized it was actually the tv segment, that was giving me the chills.

The Today Show this Christmas morning, featured a group of 6 or 7 ladies, and their holiday tradition. For 35 years these women have gotten together, just the girls every year during Christmastime, to celebrate their friendship and the meaning of the season. As they showed them all, laughing, drinking, crying together, I found myself with tears in my own eyes. These women have been the very best of friends for over 35 years- they have been through everything together. Marriages. Children. Cancer. Divorce. Triumphs. Disappointments. Everything that best friends go through together, they have been there on the journey together for the past three plus DECADES.

And as I was watching it, I couldn't help but think- wow. The best part of the whole segment, besides seeing these precious little ladies laugh, celebrate, and be merry together... was the thought that this will be us in 35 years.

Saturday night, the night before Christmas Eve, I got together with 5 of my best friends for our annual tradition. Quite similar to these ladies, although probably more in the way of the pomegranate martini consumption, we celebrated our Christmas together, as we have for the past 6 years. My heart has been overflowing with emotion since Saturday. These girls are my angels. My heart. They are my home and they mean the absolute world to me. Seeing this special this morning on tv has left me smiling since, knowing, for certain, that this will be us in 35 years.

I feel very lucky this holiday season to be surrounded by amazing friends and family. To those that I love that are far away (B, S, Dad), I hope that you are enjoying the holiday surrounded by friends and family. To everyone else, I wish you all a happy season, spent with those that mean the most to you.

availability in all shapes and forms

"Do you think that you are attracted to unavailable men?" she asked me. "Well no. It just so happens that two of the people that are on my mind right now, happen to be unavailable." I am not drawn to them for that reason. As a criteria. Looking for unavailable people. "Yes, but when one was available you didn't want to be with him, and you have never given the other situation a chance." I didn't know what her point was. I didn't get it; I wasn't sure where she was going with this. I began to think of a really big glass of wine, and chocolate. I had cramps. Perhaps this conversation wasn't going to really go anywhere.

"I don't mean this to be mean," she said, "but you are the only person I know, your age, that doesn't want to pull their hair out when it comes to dating." I said nothing, just stared at her. Was she going to say something else? Was it my turn? Did she want my reaction to that? I had nothing. "Most people your age are all caught up in meeting the next man, the perfect man, being in a relationship. You just seem to be so at ease about it all, like it's not even much of a priority." Well, it's NOT a priority. By any means. I have always felt that when the time is right, things happen. That there is a reason behind everything and right now, I'm single for a reason. I'm usually pretty fine with it.

I do often find myself missing good parts of relationships past, but I also find that I'm totally caught up in the good parts of being single. Not having anyone to check in with, doing my own thing, when I want to do it. Less money spent around the holiday season. Time to take creative classes like cooking and "change your inner talk change your world" (I took it, it works... I need to review the notes though, toxic voices are somewhat loud lately). Things like that, about being single, that I'm enjoying and wholeheartedly delving into. Sure I would like a cute man companion to be on board with me, but I'm not feeling incomplete because I don't have it. It's just... it's not a priority, she was right.

Okay, so there do happen to be people on my mind that are unavailable. Physically. And emotionally. Okay, and geographically. Etc. Etc. Blah blah blah.

I've learned, that it's better to be single, and attracted to someone unavailable, than in a relationship with someone who is unavailable. I've learned, that there is a difference between someone who is available physically for a relationship, and being emotionally available to be in one. I've learned, that you can even be in a relationship, with someone who appears to be by all definitions, "available," but turns out that ends up being so far from the truth it's scary. Being with someone who isn't emotionally available, to love you the way you need to be loved, to make you feel secure and comforted in the relationship, to make you happy, well that experience is just awful. It's painful. And sad.

So, I've learned, there's many ways to be involved with an unavailable person. Sometimes you don't even know it's happening, until you're in the thick of it, and it's too late. No warning. No sign that they are going to be emotionally not available for you. Sometimes it's hard to see that distinction, when it's not a physical availability we're talking about, rather an emotional one.

What I haven't learned, is how, or why I guess, I have been involved in these type of situations, and how to kind of... avoid them? But then again not all of them have even turned out bad. They all really have been experiences from which I've grown. They've happened, and sometimes it's sucked, but they all have taught me something or another.

"What are you thinking right now?" she asked.
"I don't know."
I don't always know what to say when she asks me these questions, these things that I sometimes think are randomly out of the blue. But at least it gets me thinking.

I'm a Carrie

I happen to be one of THE biggest fans of Sex and the City ever. I was so into the series when it was on, so into all of the characters and their lives and who each of them would be out of my friends. When I lived with D, T, and M, we would go out and say we were the girls from the show. We'd try and think of who was who. I've always been a Carrie. I have a Mr. Big. I loved every single episode of the show and watch the dvd's I own frequently, now with the commentary to hear more about the writing behind the characters and what went into it all.

And this past weekend, I had the most amazing Sex and the City experience ever! It was a 3 hour bus ride where I was in my absolute glory. I loved every moment of it. I just had to come here and write about this wonderfully amazing tour.

The ride started right outside Central Park. We got on the bus and the tour guide (Stephanie), had us look out the bus to our right, to where Carrie had said goodbye to Big before he went into his engagement party with Natasha. This is also where the scene was filmed where Miranda was in charge of the guest book at her friends wedding, and Charlotte wore that amazing bridesmaid's dress and slept with the best man during the reception. Also where, at the last scene of season six, Carrie walks down the street and gets the phone call from "John."

After each spot we saw, we were able to watch the scene on the little screens in the bus. So cool. The next stop was to that little random sex shop where Charlotte was introduced to the "rabbit." I loved that episode. We got to go into that location, into the sex store, where we got 15 minutes to shop around. From there we went by the church where Samantha met one of the only guys that she wasn't able to get- Friar Fuck. Remember him? He was that good looking priest that Samantha was into, and started to go to church for. From there we went to the Magnolia Bakery where Carrie and Miranda have eaten cupcakes outside of before. We all got a yummy freebie cupcake, and from there....oh my god... we went to Carrie's front steps. This was my favorite part of the whole tour.

Some other stops included that cool bar that Aiden and Steve owned where we all had a cosmo, the place where Carrie and the girls were trying all the different perfumes and she announced to them that she was "taking a lovah," Charlotte's art gallery, Samantha's apartment, and sooo many more.

There were tons of other stops, many little tidbits we learned, scenes we got to view, behind the scene info given to us. And I loved every minute of the whole thing. I'm such a SATC addict that I could go on and on and on about it all, because it was really, that good. So good. I just had to say something about it, because it's something I'm going to always remember. Man I miss that show.

I need to stop this

I'm an idiot. I do this every time. I can't complain, because I do it to myself. I put my damn self into this situation, and then I whine about it. I whine, and I cry, because I don't know what to do with myself after it happens. I could prevent it though. Why don't I? Why not avoid the calls, the freaking looking for you here, or there? Why do would I do that?? Why do I do this? I am such a stupid shit for this, and have no right to whine about it because it's preventable. It's something I have control over. I have been told, before, that in life, there are some things that you just have no control over. I have control over this. Worry about things which you have control over. I have control over me whining about feeling like THIS.

Alone. Lonely. Without YOU. And it's not even the YOU that I'm missing it's the THING that we had. The relationship and the GOOD of it. None of the bad. And when this happens? I think of the good, not the bad. Why is it just the good I think of? How is that fair? Why would my mind do that to me, filter out the bad? As a defense mechanism type thing? F that. I need the bad. I NEED the bad. To remind me. To remember. To confirm. To assure me that I did make the decision based on the bad. The bad outweighed the good. The bad outweighed the good. (repition will make me believe)...

At times like these, shit, the good is all over the place. Why? Why can't the bad the here, all of the time? Must the good be in my face all the time? It doesn't help. It doesn't help for us to talk, for me to initiate, to call, to send this or that and pretend. It's pretending. That's what it is. I think I'm ready for it; I over and over convince myself that now, I am ready. That you've moved on so I should be too. And I have. In so many ways. But here it is, one year later and so much has changed...
Yet....
God.

I'll pick 5:30AM instead

Tonight I have been reminded why I have always hated going to the gym at night.

For one, it's freaking crowded. So crowded. The elliptical I usually choose upstairs? Taken. The stretching area/room with the balls? A zoo. All I wanted was to get a quick workout in, and I really did know damn well I was taking a chance by going at 7pm, but I haven't worked out in too long, I didn't get there this morning, and I figured I'd give it a go. I thought it would be fine. I was wrong.

And you know who they are. Those damn guys with the polyester Adidas pants 5 sizes too big. With the ripped, muscle shirt on, and his ipod either strapped or clipped on somewhere. He's that guy. There's a good chance he's wearing too much cologne, or else he looks like he hasn't showered or shaved in days, you take your pick. And he looks like he's in a frat. The one who struts around, does his reps on the machine, then doesn't wipe it off. He thinks he's the best looking thing there, and when I try to squint to see the latest on Nicole Richie's arrest, he thinks I'm looking at him. Yeah, ew.

Those guys are everywhere in the evenings. They're there, and so are the cutesy chicks who dress up for the gym in order to impress these guys. And it's crowded and it's annoying and instead of it being a good stress reliever, going to the gym with this scenery at hand really leaves me feeling... yeah, annoyed.

And to top it off? I dropped an f-ing 15 pound weight on my toe. Yeah, shit.

I love the gym in the morning. It's quiet, calm, and clean. The people there are similar to myself. Also some moms, perhaps even some good looking men who aren't still in college, who didn't drink a 30 rack last night. They actually have to go to work today. It's nice there in the morning, and I feel all happy and good about the morning gym experience. Screw this night stuff.

Now, when my alarm goes off at 5:30am, I will no longer think to myself, "I'll just go tonight." No, no freaking way. I will remember tonight, and every other night I've attempted the nighttime gym experience and I will damn straight pick an early morning over this any day.

Jury Duty

Jury Duty. Some people dread it. Me, I've only had to go one other time before the today and I actually look forward to it. I wish it was every year, let alone having to wait three. I guess I'm just fascinated by it. Or the men in uniform. Any chance to get a paid day out of work, and oogle men in uniform (with handcuffs) to boot, I'm down. There's something about a courthouse that intrigues me.... maybe it's how "offical" it appears. How strict it all is in there, and how you know you won't get away with anything even if you tried. (Being told several times that we could "not go in the no access/employee only rooms"- no shit, right? - got a little annoying)

Maybe to some, going for jury duty is intimidating or something. Going through a security check point every time you enter and re-enter the building. Hey, I have nothing to hide. The only things in my bag today include: two pens, a notebook, my cell phone (which is turned on silent now- thank you very much Mr. Uniformed Officer), a half eaten granola bar, my wallet with $3 dollars (when is pay day?), a chick lit book that I keep having to re-read because I've been so ADD lately, my ipod, and three lipglosses (yes, I'm an addict). Nothing in here I'd be embarassed to be sifted through. I'm in no way embarassed of the fact that I'm reading a book called "The Grrl Genius Guide to Great Sex."

So I bust my butt to get here early today (7:40am) to get a parking spot for my 8:00 scheduled report-in-or-else time. Now I'm outside on a random bench, admiring the huge, "intimidating" structure that is the courthouse, because Mr. Uniformed Officer with Handcuffs said "you can have a break, we shoot for 8:30." Oh really? Because if I knew they shot for that time I could have hit snooze another three times.

***Sidenote about the snooze button- I seldom use it. I'm one of those people who believe that it's better to get a longer, uninterrupted sleep than waking up early, and pressing snooze continuously... over... and over. Today was different because even though I thought I'd be able to get up right on the first blast of music to my alarm, my body said otherwise and I in fact had to succoumb to the snooze button. Just this once.***

Anyway, I downed my iced coffee in a matter of 10 minutes (mind you, I'm one of those people who keeps these things going until lunch time) because "refreshments aren't allowed in the courtroom." I get in there, make myself comfortable, early mind you- all of that, only to be sent outide to do some more waiting, at the beginning of a norotious waiting-around-kind-of-day.
Oh well... and so it is- jury duty.
And that's all fine and so very much worth it, because I'm learning about Great Sex.

forever always seems to be around when things begin

There are days, times, moments, when I get totally into lyrics. Consumed with googling them, rewinding them, playing songs on repeat to hear them, memorizing them. Yeah, I'd say its almost an obsession. I try to find songs that fit my particular mood that day or what I'm thinking or feeling at the time. Almost always I can depend on Damien Rice or Joshua Radin to do the trick. Lately it's been Ray Lamontagne, Imogen Heap, Rachel Yamagata, or Kate Havnevik. Often it could be Norah Jones, Coldplay, Dido, or Snow Patrol. Recently Ryan Adams and Cary Brothers and Joe Purdy. Used to be more John Mayer and Ben Harper... sometimes it still is. It's just funny how some songs, some lyrics, totally sink in and I find myself remembering them, literally, years later. I remember during my freshmen year of college, replaying Ben Harper's Forever... over and over. I remember how I felt at the time when I was listening to it; I remember the room I was in when I heard it, how I felt when I saw him in concert playing it that year. And now, all that, those memories, they all rush back when I hear it on my ipod on or the radio, today, years later. Those lyrics, that feeling I got then, I still remember it so clearly, today, still.
Interesting how certain lyrics and songs can bring us back to certain times, memories, relationships, places, etc. Just random, Just interesting.

someday

I'm not really ready
to be all okay with this

I can pretend though
that when you say that, like that
that I'm happy
that it doesn't bother me

I can pretend
that I don't see that
hear that
that I don't really feel like this

the truth is
I'm not really ready
to be all okay with this

I can pretend that this may not in fact, really be real
that it's not serious
even if it is

I can pretend that I'm content with what's missing
what was once there but now is not
because perhaps this is the way it needs to be

and, I can tell myself over and over
that this is what's right, at least for now
the way it should be

but right now
im not really ready
to be all okay with this

Home

November 27, 2006

I just got in late last night from my longest stay ever in Reno. I have probably been there about 8 or 9 times now, and every single time I go, I feel like, this could be home.

It could be home for a lot of reasons. It could be home, because my dad is there. It's where he moved a little over three years ago. And C's there. He's been there even before my dad. When I think of home, I think of a lot of East Coast things, naturally; it's my familiar. But lately, I have thought of home as so many parts of the West Coast too.

It could be home because the area there is so me. It's so beautiful and I could totally picture myself moving there, finding a small one bedroom, I'd already have some people I know, so that would be a good thing, and I'd have the mountains, and Lake Tahoe. I'd have family and some friends already. I'd have no humidity and I'd have warm days on a hammock.

For a couple months at the end of my last year in grad school, I seriously considered moving out there. I'd go to see my dad, and I'd pick up apartment listings books outside grocery stores. I'd be even more observant, taking in the areas we'd drive through, look at "for rent" signs even more intently. I'd check the newspapers, google apartments when I'd get back home. I looked at the jobs out there, I found jobs I could apply for. I pictured my life there, my moving there. And so much of it was so appealing. So much of it still is.

As many aspects of it that I love and that I could picture would be so home to me, a whole huge chunk of it is just too unfamiliar to my familiar, lifelong home.

My mom is home. My home was with her for my childhood, and she's always going to be my home, even now, as an adult. We have an amazing relationship for which I am so grateful. I honestly couldn't picture being that far from her. My grandparents are home to me. All four of them, who I am so fortunate to still have in my life. I've even lived part of my childhood with my mom's parents. My home was with them. My best friends are home to me. I've lived with them too, they were my home for more than just a year, and they are still my home. They are my go to people if I need to talk it out in the middle of the night; they're the siblings I never had.

Home has always been the East Coast to me. The New England cold weather, the seasons, especially the fall, the Sox, Bruins, and Pats. York Beach, Hampton Beach, the town I grew up in. The Nor'easters, the 90 degree humid weather, they are all so very much home to me. It may not all be stuff that's amazing and desirable to others, but it's still what I know, what I'm used to, what makes up "home" if someone were to ask me to describe it.

All of these people and things have made up my home for the past almost 24 and a half years. The thought of being far away from all of that, it's freaky. It scares me and it gives me the feeling. But it excites me too. And for those few months after grad school, I was legitamately getting ready to be serious about this move. But for all these reasons of a familiar home and all things associated with it, I couldn't do it. I am still here, home with the familiar- the faces, the memories, the people. I'm home with all of that.

They say "home is where the heart is." But what if you're heart is grounded, if it is home, in two places? And the thought of leaving one place for another is really that intriguing, yet at the same time that unthinkable? I am certainly one for trying new things, and being adventurous and although sometimes have a fear of change, I'm one to embrace it. Growth comes with change. I like being comfortable, but I also like the uncertainty that comes with new, with unfamiliar, with change.

But changing my home? To that far away? Not right now. Not yet. I guess I will just know when, or if, the time is ever going to be right for that. Or if some miracle happens, and Reno switches coasts, becomes New Hampshire, or Vermont, or Maine- then I'm so there, in a heartbeat.

Until then, I will spend my vacations embracing every moment I spend there. Taking it all in, living in the moment with it all. There's not many places that you can visit and really feel like you're home. I do there. And that's a good feeling.

The rest of "about moi"

Here's 58 more, to make 100 in the list...

43. I prefer to use an old fashion paper agenda type book rather than a techy PDA.

44. I am very good at keeping in touch with people. I like to write random letters, send out of the blue cards, and emails.

45. My mom and I always leave singing messages back and forth on our voicemails. Our favorite is You Are My Sunshine.

46. I hate the smell of it, I hate to DRAIN it, but I love tuna fish straight from the can.

47. People in my family have a long life expectancy. I’m still close with my great-grandmother’s sister, who is 98. She still takes aerobics classes.

48. I’ve seen John Mayer in concert I think, 7 times.

49. I really value my independence.

50. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I think Christmas has become too commercialized.

51. I have a real, like I’m back in third grade, pen-pal.

52. I wear mostly all silver jewelry. I have one gold diamond necklace that my mom gave me with the diamond from the engagement ring from my dad. They’ve since divorced, and this necklace is really special to me.

53. I used to have a fantasy of making out in the pouring rain. It finally came true.

54. I am very selective in what kind of deodorant I use.

55. I look forward to having children very much. I know I want more than one, maybe 2 or 3.

56. Peanut m&m’s are my downfall. I think it’s a family thing.

57. I make sure that every room in my apartment is clean and picked up. Except for my room. I have trouble keeping my bedroom organized.

58. I have always wanted to work at a grocery store. I used to play supermarket with my great grandmother, ringing up her items on a fake cash register. I love cash registers. I often think of getting a part time job as a cashier, just for the hell of it.

59. I love Italian subs, with hots please.

60. I don’t have any siblings. I do have an “almost sister,” and three or four close friends that are like sisters to me.

61. I don’t know whether I really believe or not that guys like it when girls make the first move.

62. I have a long history of worrying way too much about what people think.

63. It gets tiring sometimes, making sure that everyone is happy and content. This is my own doing though, and typically I enjoy it. It’s when I neglect to pay mind to my own happiness that it gets tiring.

64. My first love is still in the back of my mind. That doesn’t mean I want to get back together with him, it just means the relationship was very meaningful.

65. I miss swimming. Competitively, recreationally, teaching it, lifeguarding- all aquatic things related, I miss.

66. I check my email sometimes a little obsessively. I get so excited when I receive real mail.

67. I love the smell of new books, newspapers, and magazines.

68. I wear six rings on my fingers. They are all silver.

69. I enjoy going places alone. I value alone time as much as spending time with others.

70. I don’t like leaving people alone. This has been something that’s been hard for me since childhood. I remember, as a young child, worrying about my dad when he was home alone.

71. Pomegranates remind me of D. I never had one until sharing one with her. I also like pomegranate martinis.

72. I have been told that my blue eyes and my smile are my best physical features.

73. In a relationship, I need to be with someone who has his own interests, hobbies, and friends, outside of us together. And I need to be able to maintain my own independence. I would dig dating a guy that plays the guitar.

74. I am still very close with the family of my dad’s ex-girlfriend. Her daughter is the almost sister, and her son is one of my best friends. They are all wonderful.

75. I love winter hats, scarves, mittens, and gloves.

76. There are people in the blog world that I wish I knew in real life.

77. I have gone back and forth about thinking it would be cool to be on The Real World, and thinking I could never do it. The idea of "7 strangers, picked to live in a house, work together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens, when people stop being polite, and start getting real" intrigues me. Living with 6 other people, in a new place, in a sweet house, sounds pretty sweet. Everything on camera? Notsomuch.

78. I really like Morgan Freeman, and the movie Shawshank Redemption.

79. I miss the show Felicity. I remember watching it with my mom in high school and us talking about that being me one day, away at college. That seems like so long ago now in a way, but in others, only yesterday.

80. I want to get married in the fall. I don’t do well in the wicked heat, and hate humidity. I went to a really pretty wedding in October one time; it confirmed my plan. Hopefully my future husband will agree with this.

81. I miss peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. I remember in middle school, they had them in the cafeteria and they were made with three pieces of bread, tons of fluff, and the creamiest PB ever. I loved them.

82. I prefer my jelly with the preserves. I like raspberry the best.

83. I used to love watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I still do.

84. I can usually fall asleep pretty easily if I don’t have a lot on my mind. I doze often, and catch myself nodding my head. Oops.

85. I LOVE my digital camera, making collages, sending pictures to friends- everything picture related, I love.

86. I’m thinking it could be cool to take a photography class. Or a cooking class.

87. It takes a while for my hair to dry. When I blow dry it, it takes a long time, and when I wear it up in a clip, still by night time, it’s not dry.

88. I once hit a possum driving home from a bar in college. It ran out in front of the road, and my friends and I screamed, drove back to check on it, and it was gone.

89. I really think Omar Epps from Love and Basketball, Alfie, and House is attractive.

90. I regularly check my horoscope. I don’t know how much truth there is in that stuff, and I know they are made to be pretty general, but I usually end up believing them.

91. I love TLC’s Wedding, Baby, and Dating stories. Oh, and Perfect Proposal. I remember when I used to have the time to watch them in college. I miss that.

92. I prefer Gin to Vodka, Whiskey to (most) Rum, and beer to wine.

93. I get really clammy hands, a lot of the time. Everyone who is close to me knows this. I used to be really embarrassed about it, now I just laugh at it. Sucks, but it’s not going to change.

94. I love surprises and surprising. Surprise notes, visits, packages, letters, all of the like.

95. I will generally let people go who are waiting to pull out of a street, or are trying to merge into traffic. I would want someone to do the same for me.

96. I believe in the Buddhist idea of Karma, and that we reap what we sow.

97. I love fleece. I have a new fleece scarf that I love, multiple fleece jackets, and blankets.

98. I am good at remembering faces, but not names. I hate when this happens.

99. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends, I consider myself so very blessed (is this already on the list? if so, who cares, they deserve all the mention in the world).

100. I have been known to pee my pants from laughing so hard.

6 in 1 day.... fish, the trilogy.

Dear B,
I'm so sorry. I was doing all the right things. Cleaning it when I should, feeding them the right amount, not leaving the light on all day (I learned that the hard way), changing the filter regularly. They were doing so good! All swimming around, playing with the little shot glass I put in there for a cute effect... they seemed happy in their new home. All was good in their new spot.

Unit it wasn't.

Until yesterday. And I swear, if I hadn't missed your call this weekend when you called me, from France (idiot, how could I miss the call?!, I miss YOU), then I would have assured you all was well, given you the update on your favorite fish, Blacky, telling you how they were thriving in their aquatic playground.

And they so were! Until yesterday. That's when it all started I guess. One died. Shit, and you know how I hate the actual scoop out and flush bit. So it was okay, I was okay... one out of the whole crew, and it had been sooo long since any prior casualities! But then today. Oh my God, today. I wake up, and one more is dead! NO! I tell T, and she goes to get it out, and there is ANOTHER dead. That's two so far. I get home from work tonight, go to check on the little guys... two more, gone! Are you freaking kidding me? I change the filter. I feed them, have a little talk with them. They seem okay? I come to do some work on the computer for a couple hours... turn around, and no freaking way, are you serious? Two more.... dead!

B, that's 7, in less than 24 hours! What the hell is going on? We're doing all the right things; what is wrong with them? With my caregiving?! They've been doing so well... and now this?!

I am so sorry.

And I'm sorry I missed your call. I missed your call, and I miss you. How is France? We haven't gotten one of your group email updates in a while. I miss our talks. I miss your singing, our singing, to Oasis or Simon and Garfunkel in your Buick. I miss our lunches and your stories. The smile you always bring to my face. I miss your smile. And as you once said, "I miss the bull shitting"... the sitting on your couch, literally, bull shitting about our days, our qualms, what the hell she's wearing on tv, what to text him back, where to go out for drinks.

I hope you're doing well. I'm sorry about your fishies. Blacky is still okay though, I swear.

Talk to you soon,
M

NY bound...

Well, I'm getting ready to leave tomorrow for NY to see my Samantha, and her hubby Chris. She's really the sister I never had. Or should I say the sister I almost had? Our parents dated back in the day.... and... long story short, although they are no longer together, I truly feel like I gained a sister out of the deal, and couldn't be more amused by that.

More to come when I get back.....



PS- Did anyone see the hot scene with Sawyer last night on Lost? Wow.

on pause.

I cannot, no matter how hard I've tried these past couple of days, think of something really worth writing about. Something that I would be interested in reading in one of my daily blog visits. The more I think about what I could write, the more insignificant anything I might have to say feels. But it's been a week. And I'd like to post more often than once a freakin week! Oh well... I'll come back soon, and I know soon enough I'll think of something. Not yet though... right now I guess I'm just at a blog stand-still.

unannounced

It's one thing to be able to anticipate, prepare for, be as ready as you can to see someone that you don't particularly want to, or need to see. It's quite another when they show up unexpected, unannounced, out of the blue. I'm thrown off guard, at a loss for words, or with what words I do find, I'm nervous, noticeably so. For me, I know I need to avoid this confrontation for a multitude of reasons, but one of the biggest is that I know how I get when I see him, or talk to him, or think about him too much. It's a door I wish to keep closed. Maybe one day I can open it up, a spec, but not until I'm totally ready, and that time is not now, and really... perhaps it isn't in any foreseeable future for me, and that's something I'm okay with. It's a door that doesn't need opening, and that's something I've come to learn through first slamming it closed, then creaking it open a little bit, opening it way too wide, closing it again but not locking it, and now, closing it, with no lock, but with a firm feeling of satisfaction in that shutness.

He didn't physically show up at my door. He wasn't there, in person, or through a phone call, an email, or a text. Nothing so concrete as that. So you may wonder... what is the big deal then? You thought of him? You found an old tee shirt? An old note he wrote you? You went somewhere that reminds you of him, of you two? No. Nothing so concrete and real as that.

A dream. That's all it was. A simple, little dream, but yet... so something that I had no control over. I didn't want that, I wasn't ready for that dream. I had no warning. Maybe it wasn't him there in reality, but seeing his face, unannounced at my door, on my couch with me, things with us seemingly normal, light, and fun all in a dream... so real seeming- not prepared. And of course the dream didn't have any of that bad stuff. It, of course, had all of the good things... laughs, sweet gestures, affection, compliments, cuddling, comfort. And more. It had all of that, which at one time was there in this particular relationship with him, but it had extras. Extra good stuff, that was never there, but in the dream it was. Instead of something like, arguments, tears, excuses... things that would serve as reminders, the damn dream had good extras that brought up the what ifs, the second guessing.

I hate these kind of dreams the most. What good are they? An unwanted reminder of what was, what could be? What will never be? And a blow in the face, with a sting that pierces through the next day, or many days, thereafter?

Is it my subconscious trying to tell me something? I'm clearly an overanalyzer, so I will no doubt sit with this one for a while, trying to overinterpret it to death.

It's okay I guess... I mean, it was just a dream. I just wish it weren't so damn real seeming. Why I'm so much a read between the lines type of person that I feel the need to find meaning in this. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's just that I didn't prepare for this, no warning to GET ready for it whatsoever. As ready as I think I am or would be for it, I wasn't, I'm not. I didn't want this dream. Not now (ever?) I'm not ready yet.

things that make me happy/smile/feel good, etc.

I don't have anything all too interesting to write about today... so I'll use today to post some things that make me happy. That way I'll have something to reference when I'm feeling in a funk or need a boost.

~Things That Make Me Smile~

<>

-acoustic music/guitar

-straight hair with no waves

-visiting with my mom

-a phone call from a different time zone

-finding an old bday card, with money in it

-sunsets

-the feel of my bed with fresh sheets on it

-an impomtu visit from M, from maine, for the weekend

-clean dishes out of the dishwasher

-a tall glass of milk

-stuffed animals with a past story

-leaving work on a friday evening

-a new pair of shoes

-the smell after it rains

-an unexpected phone call

-or email

-and even better, a handwritten something

-finding out I didn't go over in my cell phone minutes

-Buy One Get One at Payless

-red lipstick with T

-having a 40 minute drive to and from work all to myself

-fall, and October/November

-a yummy martini from Tempo

-warm, homemade bread

-uniformed men

-candle-lit rooms

-waking up early on the weekend but feeling rested

-Bearface

-people watching

-rehashing stories from college

-D & J's relationship, happiness, and committment to each other

-a fresh pedicure

-updating my ipod

-yummy smelling shampoo

-a little sunburn

-thinking about 6S

-fitting into a smaller size

-our heart tattoos

-a towel just out of the drier

-an overdue haircut

-the butterfly feeling from someone new

-Joshua Radin songs

-Lake Tahoe

-the sound of the ocean

-having no plans, free time

-long weekends

-a good workout

-success & good fortune of my friends

-blue mascara

-a good Lifetime movie

-accessor(ies)/(izing)

-working hard for something and seeing the results

-kittens

-hugs, cuddling

-just being, doing nothing, and being more than okay with it

-having the most amazing best friends

-looking at pictures from the night before

-taking pictures for that matter, and organizing them, sending them, doing things with them

-new undies from VS
-Grey's Anatomy
-Fenway
-holding a baby
-having my hair played with/brushed
-new body lotions

These are just a select bunch. Luckily there's a gazillion more, which I guess is a good thing compared to not being able to think of any. I'll let this list be for a while.

Frosty

It was 9:30pm, we had just found out that Grey's Anatomy was a freakin REPEAT, and we were craving milk. Milk, and a chocolate dessert. Out of milk, we decided to hit Store 24. We were already in our after-work, lounging around the apartment, comfy outfits, but we were just going to Store 24, so what did it matter? Further more, and we decided this upon taking the right into the convenience store parking lot, what we were wearing wouldn't phase us for hitting the bar down the street either.

Me: "I could really go for a beer right now. I have no qualms about walking into a bar in this outfit."
T: "Me neither."
Me: "Wanna?"
T: "Yup."

So we pulled straight out of the parking lot, headed down a couple blocks, and b-lined it into Joe Sent Me in our pajamas. Straight up. We were both wearing the same grey fleece pants, the same clogs (BOGO from Payless), I was in a glasses, a thermal shirt and a wool sweater, and she was in a Martha's Vineyard sweatshirt. And we had absolutely no reserve about it. We knew what the scene would be. Mostly college kids, a few random older men, etc. We just wanted a couple brewskis, to get our milk, and move on.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- it's these times- these random, unplanned, spur of the moment events that I will forever remember. It's during so many of these on a whim moments that I have had the most fun, the most laughs, and the most memories.

We're walking towards the door to the bar, and I trip. I fall, face forward, towards the door, luckily gaining enough composure to stop myself before going face down. And I'm not the type, one of those people to try and play something like this off. No way in hell would I let a friend of mine get away with that without some comment (first I'd make sure if they're okay), but you can be damn sure that we're going to laugh about it. People that trip and just keep on walking like NOTHING happened are silly to me. I saw it. You know it happened, you know that I saw you do it. Just acknowledge the humor of it, come on! So I did, she did... and so did Frosty, the guy outside smoking who we later made buddies with. He saw I was okay, and then he laughed. He should! He made some joke out of it, after checking to see what the hell I had done, and we went inside.

Talk about a freakin random crowd! We stuck out. We were in a townie bar, filled with college kids, hockey on big screen tvs, darts, beer, a magician (yeah, that's right), and then us. Us, two blonds standing by the bar, slugging back a couple Coors Lights, in our jammies basically, and having no reserve about it.

We met up with Frosty (my buddy who laughed at me at the door) right after beer number two. The. Friendliest. Guy. Ever. What a good hearted guy! Totally down to earth, funny, kind, and really genuine. Him AND his buddies in tow. You can imagine my amusement when I found out he works for the fire department. Anyone who knows me knows how much I LOVE a man in uniform. Totally does it for me. I'm still into policemen, but lately... it's firemen that have been catching my eye. I could go on forever about my excitement on this topic, but I'll stop here.

We talked to Frosty, his brother, and a few other guys for the next two hours. Lots of laughs were had, beers were drank, "a fireman's schedule" was taught (and questioned, in detail by myself). I now know that firemen work on an 8 day week, an 8 week schedule. I know that if they take a day off, they have a week off. I know they typically work two 24 hour shifts. I know they often have other jobs on the side. Landscaping, painting, taxi driving, concession selling/vending. I know now even more that I'm interested in a fireman- if not just for the uniformed appeal, for the genuine good nature of these guys, their humor, their laid back way, their schedule!?, etc.

So yeah, the night was just another one of those really random, but so much fun excursions. We couldn't have planned that. Let's go out to get milk and end up meeting the town fire department and getting the scoop on the young fireman that I've been scoping out on my way home lately? (that's a story for another day) You just can't plan this stuff! And really... I wouldn't want to. It's times like these that I have found to be the best memories ever.

That's not like me....right?

Over the past year, I have become more introspective. I have learned new things about myself. I think know myself better at this point in my life than I ever have before. Which, is, a good thing. It should be, at least that's how I feel the majority of the time. I have gotten to know who I am more, what I'm looking for in my life- in a career, in a relationship, in friendships, in my future.

Learning more about myself has been an interesting process. I get a total thrill out of getting to know people. My current friends, new people, people from my past. I find it so captivating to learn about people, relationships, connections, interactions, etc. Relationships in general are so much a part of who I am. The relationships I have or have had- both platonic, and romantic, significant, and minute, all tend to play a significant role in how I in turn, learn about myself. It intrigues me, really gives me a charge, to be able to learn about different parts of people's character. I find that any interaction with someone else can be an opportunity to learn more about oneself.

Learning about others, making new friends, meeting new people, learning what other people are like, what makes them tick... it's always been so important to me and I have no doubt it will remain that way. It's in these interactions with people that I have found so many opportunities to learn more about me, and who I am. Not by any means in a self fulfilling way, I think just by nature of how I am, I find a way to spend time with myself thereafter, reflect and learn from all of these interesting interactions (good, bad, scary, romantic, intimate, inebriated, steamy, small, huge... all kinds).

So okay, I say I know myself well. I can describe myself in a paragraph, what I'm like, what I do, what I (think) I want in a relationship.... but I've gotten to thinking, is all of this a crock of shit?

I say I know who I am and what I'm like. I'd say I'm kind and understanding, but then I'll surprise myself and snap at someone or make a quick judgment. I say I know what I'm looking for in a career, but I'm in a job that I thought was exactly what I wanted to do, and I'm unhappy. If I knew so well what I'm looking for in a relationship, why then does it come so easy for me to fall for the wrong guy? Friendships are probably one of the biggest areas where I know what I want, because in that realm, I am so very blessed. No complaints there whatsoever!

I guess the more I think about it, the more I realize that yeah, maybe I do know more about myself now than I have in a long time. But there's always going to be more to learn. I'm really okay with that part. It's the times when I find that I've done something, said something, that I don't expect, that I didn't know I had in me (good or bad) that gets me a little off guard. I know, intellectually, that there is nothing wrong with that- finding out new things about myself, learning about a different way I handle something that I once dealt with a different way. I know this, that this should be okay. That I shouldn't feel so taken aback when something like this happens. There's no need to be so hard on myself. Hell, when I learn new things about other people, it's great and it's exciting and interesting and it's what I love. But when it's me? Why is it such a problem for me? Why can't I just experience that new side of me, that reaction, response, feeling, and as new and different as it may be, actually just be okay with that?

Things About Me

I found this survey somewhere and thought it was different so I spent some time on it....

I Am
Easily amused, passionate, empathetic, thirsty, open minded, inquisitive, a nurturer, critical, sexual, worrisome, introspective, so much like my mother, generous, loyal, affectionate, ambitious, appreciative

I Want
To be more fulfilled in my job, a kitten, for my dad- and C to live closer, a significant other who I have amazing chemistry with and who treats me well- not one or the other, a cup of tea, a vacation, a new pair of running shoes

I Have
An amazing group of friends, a stable and secure job and apartment, a wonderful family, too many shoes that will never equal enough, blue eyes and fair skin, an overwhelming urge to go outside and enjoy the fall weather, a tendency to procrastinate, laundry to do, a sense of spiritual connection, an amazingly comfortable bed that I love climbing into, to organize better, so much love for those that I care for, to make a dentist appointment

I Wish
It were Friday, Nevada was closer to Massachusetts, sometimes that I didn't expect so much from myself (and sometimes others), my skin was flawless, my great grandmother was still alive, sometimes like I'm still in middle school- at 11:11, happiness for my loved ones, to train for and compete in a triathlon soon

I Hate
Most Mondays, really fishy fish, wearing socks and stepping in something wet, how I have clammy hands so much of the time, the sound of a fork/knife screeching on a plate, the look of snow on the side of the road when it gets dirty, waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep because I can't stop thinking, that I sometimes make judgments about things/people too quickly, people that do not think of others- and only themselves, and ungratefulness, the thought that someday, I will lose my grandparents, the act of putting new sheets on my bed

I Fear
Losing a loved one, break-ins, robberies, muggings- and anything of the like, heights to some extent, that which I have no control over, loud voices, sometimes that I'm not good enough, not wearing seatbelts

I Hear
My ipod all day at work, fall leaves crackling beneath my feet outside, it's going to rain this week, acoustic music and it makes me happy, my roommate watching Jeopardy in the other room

I Search
On here, and maps on here, for new, different things to do, for humor in all situations, for the best in people, for meaning in things that there just may be none, for my favorite pair of underwear on a night I'm going on a date, for the perfect pair of jeans often when I shop, for the tiny hair clips I buy all the time and seem to lose inevitably, online for my horoscope

I Wonder
When I will get married, what my kids will look like, what I will look like 25 years from now, how lonely it must be for people who don't have any family or close friends, what my life will be like in the future, who will be the first of my best friends to get married, what it would be like to never have to worry about money at all, if I will ever feel fully comfortable with myself, what it would be like to not be an only child

I Regret
Those things which I didn't make time for, and should have, not speaking up in situations where I should have, putting forth too much energy trying to fix an unhealthy situation, times where I have been more worried about the outcome rather than embracing the here and now- living in the moment

I Love
My family, my friends, fall, milk, anticipating a vacation, cuddling, going to bookstores and coffee shops, trying new things, laughing, picking out and buying cards, planning celebrations, writing, kittens and puppies, the smell of just done laundry, the feel of my bed after a long day, waking up and realizing I don't have anything planned for that day, a good workout, the smell of good smelling cologne, a man in uniform, random acts of kindess, elderly people

I Ache
After physical therapy sometimes, in a good way-after a tough workout, when I miss someone- I can feel it all over

I Always
Say thank you, check to make sure I've unplugged my hair straightener, check my email, eat too fast, say "I love you" when I feel it, remind people of how much they mean to me, drink milk every day, obsessively check to make sure I've locked my car, wear rings

I Usually
Always treat people as I'd like to be treated, have trouble with math, pay my bills on time, remember faces but not always names, try to make people feel good, am on time-or a few minutes early, don't read the newspaper, always keep my nails short, wear contacts, think about the future, but try to live in the moment, take a lot of pictures

I Am Not
Pessimistic, a big fan of football, or basketball for that matter, totally confident with myself although I can pretend pretty well, in my profession for money, too interested in politics, good at geography, into country music

I Dance
A mean cha cha slide with my bests, with no reserve, pretty often, when I see a move on MTV that I think is cool to try to imitate it- I look like an idiot when I do this

I Sing
In the car, always to songs that remind me of college days, sometimes to hear my own voice

I Never
Wear double denim, go over 80mph intentionally, would try hard core drugs, don't get ill after drinking (hardly), make a promise I don't intend to keep, keep my eyes open during a scary movie scene, miss an episode of Grey's Anatomy

I Rarely
Go to bed without washing my face, for that matter-go to bed when I plan to, eat Thai food- but when I do I love it, go swimming anymore, floss

I Cry
When I watch A Wedding/Baby Story, to certain songs, when someone I care for cries, about things people wouldn't think I'd still be crying about, when nobody is looking, later on, after it's done

I Am Not Always
Able to put things into words (verbally) as well as I can in writing, able to articulate my concerns or thoughts as clearly as I'd like to in a conversations or especially during confrontation, good at taking my own advice, paying attention when I should be

I Lose
When I try to play pool, or darts, socks- a lot, my checkbook sometimes, track of time when I'm with my friends, pens

I'm Confused
About astrology, when I think too much about setting the clocks back or ahead

I Miss
M & D living with us, Sex & the City, certain things about being in a relationship, C, college life at times, home cooked meals by my mom, being a part of a team sport, when I used to not have a car payment

I Need
To write in my journal more often, to buy stamps, to get a new toothbrush, to think of what I'm going to pack for my trip to Miami, to do more things that make me feel good, to update my resume, to blog more consistently, an oil change, a new winter coat

I Should
Floss more, write more, take a class for the hell of it, make more collages, write down things when I think of them- so I'll actually remember them, use my debit card less, budget more, be more confident in myself, finish books that I start, get more rest, organize my pictures

goals?

I had just had a swig of my beer and we were talking about how the bouncer had a strong resemblance to my ex boyfriend. We were at the same bar that this same ex boyfriend had gotten pissed at one night when we were all out for a friend's birthday, and he peaced out, angry and drunk. Too many flashbacks.

We're standing at the bar, two of the dressiest girls there even though we were only in work clothes, and in comes a fairly good looking, Italian guy, with tattoos. He says that his friends are in the other room, and the one friend he was in this part of the bar with just "turned gay." He downs his beer and buys another. We find out he's in town for 29 more hours, but that he could extend it another 7 hours if it was necessary. I wasn't interested in him, like that, but he was amusing us for the time being, so we went with it. He says that while he's in town, he wants to get laid. Pretty.Blunt. He says he's just being honest, to which I congratulate him on. Hey, he's putting it out there right? I'm not interested but who knows, maybe some other chic might dig that sort of thing.

The three of us sip our beers, we're not talking, I catch my roommate noticing a guy with a name tag on his back, and I have to force myself not to laugh. Italian guy with tattoos is looking at us, and we're not talking. So naturally, what other normal way to get the conversation to flow, he asks us:

"So, what are your goals in life?"

WHAT? Did he seriously just ask us that? Maybe after the third or fourth DATE that would be accepted, but now? After 10 minutes, after you just told us you want to get laid? You want to know what our goals are?

She and I take another sip of our beers and kind of laugh. He doesn't. He's serious. He says so, and that he wants to know. I look away. Back at the bouncer that reminds me of my ex. (He's bigger than my ex, he has tattoos all over his arms. He's a badass version of my ex). So I hear her telling him some of her goals. I know these goals already; she's my best friend. But she doesn't talk about these very often, who does? And you certainly aren't expecting to be divulging them to Mr. Italian at the bar after work. She's sweet and sincere when she's sharing them. He nods, he's interested. He nods like he agrees, like he understands her and really knows her after 14 minutes at the bar. He turns to me and wants to know my goals now. "Short term or long term?" I say. "Long term." he eagerly replies. He's into this conversation. Like he's mentally keeping track of our goals in life.

So I humor him, tell him some of my goals about family and career... similar to what she said. He asks how many kids I want to have, and-icantbelieve this goal conversation is still going on- I say 2, or 3... he nods again, like he agrees. "Anything else?" he says? "Yeah, and I want to hook up with a man in uniform. Preferably a police officer or fireman. But that's more of a short term goal." I say. He smirks. Shit, what have I gotten myself into? "Do you wear a uniform?" I say, hoping to God he doesn't. I'm asking him a question that I can tell he wants to answer. He's got the look on like he's going to give me some really good answer. "Not for my job. But I can wear one for fun." And he nudges me. And I swig my beer. And he smirks, again. He's giddy. He would wear a uniform for me, or for her. He'd do it tonight, because he wants to g et laid.

The rest of the story isn't even worth telling because nothing else really happened. Things kinda fizzled after that deeper than should ever happen over a beer when I first meet you conversation did. We met his friend who just came out, he was nice. They were leaving and Mr. Italian wanted us to go with him. No thanks.

And this whole encounter makes me wonder- do things like this only happen to my roommate and I? There are sooo many more encounters we've had with guys where I'm left thinking, wondering, dumbfounded and baffled. Mr. Italian was cute, he was nice and in general, the encounter wasn't bad. It was actually pretty funny. Just something so appropriate to happen to us. Definition of us. A guy asking us what our goals are? Wow.

I wonder if he got laid last night. I hope he did, he was just being honest for Christ's sake!

A Note From:

Those that know me well know that I am a card person. I love sending them, for any, and all occasions. For no occasions. Just because. I could spend hours in the card aisles at CVS. Oh, and put me in the Paper Store? In heaven. Cardsmart, where all cards are 50% off? Can't get enough of it. Picking out cards for a certain event, and stocking up on cards to have on hand. It's totally my thing.

There's something about a handwritten note, something delivered via snail mail, to someone's door, that they physically have to open with their own two hands. Something tangible. That you can save in a special place for as long as they want (and if you're me, I have cards saved from years ago... I have trouble letting that stuff go). It's different than an email, a phone call, a voicemail, or text. It's random and it's unexpected. And yet, it's so very simple.

Two of my best friends, who happen to be siblings, have two of the sweetest, most adorable, precious grandparents I've known. I'm close with them, and have come to know them well over the years. Their grandmother has been dealing with some health issues lately, so since then, I have been sending her notes more regularly. Just checking in, thinking of you type of notes and cards. We talk on the phone now and then, and she is always so appreciative of the cards I send, saying how thankful she is. This totally gets me. Gets me in the way that I feel totally full with love for this precious couple.

But what really got me... what I actually carry around in my purse now, is a note I got from their grandfather recently:

Dear Meg:
Thank you for your card.
You will never know how much she appreciates it.
Thank you.

Totally got me. I know, it's so short and simple.... but it says so much. It's so meaningful. I get so much pleasure out of sending these cards, but to hear and see how much it means to someone else like that, it just really made me smile.

And that feels good.

ex boyfriend shirts and drummers

I guess it's been a bit since I've written. I guess I'm not really a consistent blogger. It's not like my blog is a Grrl Genius, Greek Tragedy, Ari Goes Down, or This Fish- blogs that I, clearly among a ton of other people, actually read on a regular basis. So I'm thinkin that if I don't blog for a day or two, or a few weeks as the case may be, it's not going to be a let down for most people.

And for now, that's okay. I've only recently picked up on the blogging thing, and I do it because I like to write and thought this would be a good way to kinda... get it out there or something. But it's not like people even really know about my blog enough to come to it regularly to spruce up their days, get a laugh, or whatever... so really, in the grande scheme of things, the fact that I'm not a consistent blogger doesn't realllly matter. The fact that I wicked enjoy it, when I actually do it, maybe matters. I like that I can write, and post what I write, in pink no less. I like that I can get a comment or two and then meet other cool people that way. I'm kinda liking that right now, not many people really know that I'm into this. It's my thing, something for me, that I do for myself, because I enjoy it.

Anyway, so I figured since I post on other people's blogs, and link to my own, it might make sense to actually write in mine, otherwise what's the point or doing the link thing? It's just that lately, I haven't had too much to say. Or the energy to really put all that's been going on into words. It's not like there's been nothing going on... rather, there's been somuchgoingon, that I just wasn't feeling up to the task of getting home at night and writing about it. So I've decided I'm going to try and do this more consistently- more for me, without any attachments to outcomes of even caring who will read this, and who never will.

There's this blue shirt I have. 3/4 length, it fits me well, I've been told the color is good on me, and it's one of those shirts you feel good in. I bought it about a month ago, and wore it to a party where I knew I may be having a run in with my ex boyfriend. I chose the shirt because I love the color and after trying several other options, this was the one thing that I actually felt... confident in. So I busted it out, wore it that night, saw my ex, felt confident, had a little meltdown thereafter but moved on, and hadn't worn the shirt again. Until this past Saturday. Again, I was looking for something that I knew I'd feel good in, so out came the blue 3/4 length, and out we went. The concert was sweet, and afterwards we even got to hangout with the Barenaked Ladies. The drummer was the coolest- down to earth and completely hysterical. So that was pretty cool, and at least I was still feeling good in and about the shirt . Until we were standing at the bar, and in walks my roommates ex. They didn't have a run in or anything, we talked to some of his friends, but no contact was made by them. Still though, at the end of the night, I couldn't help but think, maybe this shirt isn't as great as I'm making it out to be? For myself, and my friends.

The only two times I've worn it, yes- I've felt good about the idea beforehand, but both times, ex boyfriends have been in the mix. Not ex boyfriends where things just fizzled out, or where you just decide you're "better off as friends." Exes where you get the feeling when you're around them. The needing to switch to a stiff drink instead of beer kind of feeling about the way things ended. You don't hate each other, you don't want to never see them again, in fact- it's the one you will always have a special place in your heart for....BUT, none the less, both of you still end up having that weird, uncomfortable, Jack and Coke necessary, type of feeling thinking about a future encounter.*

I think as girls, we have the capability that boggles our guy friends and boyfriends, to be able to remember outfits. What we were wearing when we first met you. What shoes you were wearing when you walked in to pick us up. How we wore our hair on our first date. Our favorite shirt we like to see you in. The outfit we wore when we first met your parents. Your favorite underwear of ours. Our favorite boxers. Your favorite shirt you'd wear in the fall. The dress we wore to your friend's wedding. The shirt we wore when we saw you for the first time after we'd broken up.

That blue, damn, 3/4 length, favorite shirt of mine. I don't want this to be associated with exes anymore. So I'll wear it to work someday. Or to a girls night out. Or when I go visit my grandparents. To my mom's house. Places where I wouldn't run into anyone questionable, and neither will my friends. And maybe that will help. Because I love this shirt, and I don't want to say goodbye to it yet. I don't like goodbye.

*I used to love Jack and Diet Coke. It was like, my drink of choice. Until it wasn't. And the drink, the smell, the look of it all, made me physically ill. So I took a break from them. It was always a drink I knew was a good choice- it would inevitably give me a good buzz, and I could count on it. But the aftermath wasn't worth it, so I took a break with it. Until recently, when I eased back into it, having Coke instead, thinking that might help. And it did. It does. And I always know that Jack will be a good standby if the situation calls for it.

Certain Reasons

COME ON.

Mr. Landlord called me back later the other night only to say: "we talked it over, and the answer is no".... apparently there are "certain reasons" that they don't want us to get a cat, and because they "stuck to their guns" when they showed the place to other potential tenants who had small pets and said no, they need to do the same now. Mr. Landlord did make sure to make it clear- three times during the conversations between when I first asked him on the front steps coming in, and over the phone call afterwards that he, in fact, is okay with a cat, but his wife doesn't want one. So he has no say, basically?

Obviously wife doesn't like cats... as anyone who knows cats, likes them, has them, whatever... just knows, they aren't "messy" and are in fact, pretty clean pets! They sleep all day so any reason she mentioned is just silly. Bottom line obviously just boils down to her not liking the poor little kitty who could have been living with me by now.

Wicked sucks. I'm totally disappointed since I've been wanting a kitty forEVER! Oh well, maybe when I meet the man of my dreams and we move in together, he'll approve of a kitty. Actually, it might just need to be a pre-requisite now for date-able men. "Doesn't mind cats."

Well, on a happier note... fishies are all in and doing well. We've had only one casualty since they've come to my apartment. There are two little baby fish hanging out though, so that kind of makes up for the loss. They're cute and they hang by the heater.

At least it's the weekend. THANK GOD. The weeks just seem to drag too sloooow, and the weekends go by too fast. Unfortunately, I've come down with a yucky cold and I'm feeling all stuffy, headachy, etc. And it's cloudy and gloomy-like today. That doesn't make for a great combo... so- tonight I plan to veg at home with T, a bottle of wine, and season 1 of Lost. I guess I'd like to get into that show since everyone talks about it and says how great it is? Season 3 starts next week, I think, and T got the season 1 DVD's from a friend at work, so I guess it works out that I'm not feeling so hot and it's gross out- at least it's Friday and we have 3 disks of DVD's to watch.

I miss my mom.

Fish, part II...

Well I've given it some more thought and have decided to mind B's fish while she's gone. I think it will be a good thing. She's on her way over here now, with the tank, 30 fish, and a piece of furniture to house this thing on. I'm actually kind of looking forward to this endeavor now.

I also just spoke to Mr. Landlord about a kitty. He said he needs to check with wife, who is "pretty set against it." His explanation was that she thinks cats are messy with their litter?, and that it will make for a lot of litter (not sure if he meant kitty litter, or actual trash-litter? I don't personally use the word "litter" for trash- I think it's an older generation thing)... ANYway! Mr. Landlord also wanted to know what kitty would do all day? I think it would be just fine, and, aren't cats like the cleanest animals ever? My kitty won't be getting litter everywhere, and you can be damn sure if he/she does, that I'll be cleaning it up. I don't see the issue here? So Mr. Landlord said he didn't mind, but he needs to check with wife.
I'm reallllly keeping my fingers crossed for this one as I've been trying to remain hopeful about idea of kitty for quite some time.

Nothing else really going on. I just put the heat on in here for the first time and the radiators are making some noises; I guess that's normal. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something... which never happens to me. I'm stuffy and headachy and keep sneezing.

I just need 30 fish and a kitten to make it all better.


OH!- got the tattoo on Saturday and it came out pretty sweet. We each had a different dude doing our's.... I ended up having the grouchiest, totally no response one out of them all. He was totally disinterested in any small talk I tried to make. Oh well, whatever. It looks good and we finally did it. Maybe when I get a little more savvy with this thing I can learn to post a picture or something?

"Nice tat"

Getting ready to leave soon to get matching tattoos with M & K....onourfeet. Hear this could be an excruciating spot, but given the fact that it's going to be a tiny little thing, and I've already gotten one tattoo, I'm not wicked wicked freaking out. Just a spec...kinda. D was going to join us but she wants to wait to see how it turns out. I think she's a little nervous. And my other best friend/roommie T would rather not ink herself permanately- might just get a piercing. So, we'll see how this whole experience goes. I'm excited to finally get it done as we've been talking about it for-freaking-ever. Think we'll need a few cocktails for the aftermath. Will report back later!*




*I say "report back" as though someone is actually checking in on this on a regular basis??

Fish.

One of my bestest friends is moving in a week, to teach in France for the school year. Awesome opportunity, and am totally envious. Anyway, months back when she told me of the news of her getting this sweet job, she asked me if I could watch her 2 cats. And I love cats... LOVE them. Like, spend tons of time daily thinking about getting one, what it will be like, what I'll name it, etc. Unfortunately, Mr. Landlord said "no pets" on the lease (I'm working on this). So, I can't watch cute little Igby and Lola. However, I did offer to take B's fish. Fish, yesss! Sounds cool right? I thought it could be fun, an easy job, and the cool tank would add a funky flair to the apartment. B told me straight up that she didn't think it was a good idea- too much work, too much cleaning, etc. And she knows how fishy, gunky crud could potentially skeeve me out.

Fast forward to today. B calls me and says that she has come up with a whole new system to clean the tank, and would I still be interested? I thought it sounded great! Cute fish, easy to take care of- I just have to feed the little guys twice a day, take out the filter thingy once every couple of months, etc. I was up for the challenge of watching the school for the nine months while she's gone- no biggie. So I called roommie, she's down, and I figure it's a go.

Then the reality sets in. Since this conversation with B, I've had the most anxious, nervous feeling in my stomach since icantremember, and it won't go away! They're only fish! It's not like it's a puppy that I actually have to reallllly watch, take care of, bring up, etc. And I was the one who wanted to babysit these guys for 9 months in the first place! And here I am wanting a kitten and I can't even deal with fish? So I've been doing some thinking and it could be one or all of several things:

-when I was in 6^th grade we had a fish tank at home. It was huge. Tons of fish- all kinds, big, small, babies, the gross ones that suck on the tank, really- TONS of fish. We go away for a vaca for a week, and come home to a tank full of DEAD fish. Apparently the electricity went out, and the heater, filter, I don't know-whatever it is that electricity is needed for for a fish tank (clearly I'm not too savvy about fish tanks and the like) had died, and so did a tank full of fish.

-"But what if one dies?" I ask B? "Just get it out with the net, and flush it." Ooook...flush it. Not so much the problem as actually sifting out a dead fishy, from a tank, and carrying it, DEAD, to the bathroom and giving it the heave ho.

-What if they come here, we get them all settled in their new place, and they freak and die? This makes me nervous. I can barely keep a plant alive. I buy fake flowers. I have a fake mini fish tank in my office..hello, sign, no?

-Maybe it's because I used to be a swimmer? I've snorkeled? It's all hitting too close to home?

-Or maybe it's the thought of the cleaning process? I dunno though...I'm girly in a lot of ways- ie- I like pink, and accessories, and eye shadow... but not in the can't clean the bathroom, or scrub the floor kind of way. So I don't mind getting dirty.. but maybe the thought of emptying a tank and making sure the little guys (all 30 of them) live while I do it... makes me nervous?

-B says that she has a big attachment to these guys- "they grew up in this tank!"... she can't just let them go... she can't flush them, she can't bring them to a pet store and give them away. And I understand this. Part of my worry is that Ii will end up being more attached to these fish than I'm ready for. And they'll be more important to me and my well being and happiness than I am to them (what do they care?)... and if/"when" (and B says they WILL)-gasp!, die.... what will I do? ohmygod.

Honestly, I don't know what it is, but wow, even writing about it right now is giving me the feeling! I'm ligitatamely feeling nervous about this. Maybe I just don't want to disappoint B? I feel like I would be a bad fish caretaker, and she'll come home from France to an empty tank? Here I was the one that offered up my fish babysitting services months ago. Not sure what (if any?) hidden meaning there is to all this. Maybe I should just suck it up and do it, it could be good for me, right?

42 things about moi.

1. I'm an only child. I have a "little sister."
2. I LOVE milk. Really, I drink it with everything. I've been known to have pizza, beer, and milk. 3. I'm thinking of darkening my hair. I like the blue eyes, fair skin, dark hair look. I'm nervous to take this leap.
4. I love coffee shops, and the like.
5. Fall, one of my favorite seasons is almost here... and for that I am happy.
6. That being said, I love apple picking, crisp weather, sweaters, foliage, and the fall's smell in general.
7. There is a man that I work with that once got so excited when telling me a story, that he did a pirouette as he was walking away. He doesn't take ballet, he's straight and he's married, and I will forever think of this every time I see him.
8. I sleep with a teddy bear...amongst several other stuffed friends.
9. If Nevada were VT, ME, or somewhere that close, I'd move there in a heartbeat.
10. I'm getting trained Reiki I in September.
11. I don't balance my checkbook, yet I always seem to keep track of my finances. I use my debit card religiously.
12. Watching Sex and the City reruns and seeing the complexity of Carrie and Big's relationship genuinely gives me the feeling.
I'm glad they ended up together.
13. I can no longer fit the number of purses/bags I have in my closet anymore.
That being said, I'm addicted to accessories- rings, earrings, necklaces, bags, purses, shoes- you name it.
14. I go through phases where I'm legitimately scared being home alone. I don't think I'll ever grow out of it.
15. I want to go to Ireland, or London, or France. I'm dissapointed I wasn't able to study abroad during college.
16. I think about getting a kitten every day- what he/she will look like, where I'll get it, what I'll name it, where it will sleep, what it's personality will be like. It's an obsession really. I NEED a kitten... now.
17. Remember the show Degrassi High? I do, and I used to love it.
18. I miss waitressing sometimes.
19. I don't like the way I smile sometimes.
20. I love Kelly Green.
21. I think cantelope is real yummy.
22. I believe half the fun of a vacation is the anticipation of it.
23. My mom is my best friend.
24. I love waking up early on a weekend and realizing I don't have to go to work.
25. All four of my grandparents are still alive.
26. I bite my lips when I'm nervous.
27. When I'm home alone, I check under the bed, in the closets, and in the bathtub before I go to bed.
28. I love pink.
29. I guess in addition to milk, I enjoy anything dairy related.... ie. cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, etc.
30. I have trouble keeping plants alive.
31. I take pictures constantly.
32. I do not like ants.
33. Something about the rain makes me think of ex boyfriends.
34. I'm a sucker for a Lifetime movie.
35. I like candles.
36. Men in uniform, good smelling cologne, and humor are turn ons.
37. My first kiss was in a closet.
38. I like kissing babies heads.
39. I will never have long nails.
40. I'm a Taurus.
41. I like forest green and dark purple- separate and/or together.
42. I'm tired right now and wrapping this up.

My first.

This is my first.
"Blog" that is.

Welp, here I go. I don't know all too much about this blogging thing... but those close to me know I'm interested in writing lately and I was recently told that the only difference between writers and non-writers.... is actually writing.

So here I go.



:)